Take it off! See. Love. Grow.

Your Ego is in the Way: Exploring the Complexities of Ambition, Authenticity and Self

• Joshua Fields & Jeremy Rubin • Episode 32

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Have you ever wondered why we often assume the worst in people or get defensive in conversations? It might be your ego talking. This episode is a deep dive into exploring the role of ego in our lives. We discuss how an inflated sense of self can hinder our compassion, encourage defensiveness, and even make us deny our accountability. But it's not all negative—sometimes, ego can result from our success, making it tricky to manage and control.

We also look into the role of ego in our relationships and how it can be a barrier to authenticity. The ego can prevent us from taking risks, making tough decisions, and connecting with people who could help us live more genuinely. It even convinces us to prioritize safety and comfort over personal growth. However, there's a flip side—when ambition and ego collide, it can lead to a relentless chase for success, trapping us in a cycle of constant striving and dissatisfaction.

Finally, we grapple with the paradox of ambition and ego. While ambition can fuel our desire for success, unchecked ego can distract us from the small, joyous moments along the journey. We invite you to join us in questioning whether the chase for success and the compromises we make for our ego-driven identities are worth it. This episode promises a reflective and enlightening exploration of the tricky balance between ego, ambition, and authenticity.

Reference Material:
10 Reasons Why ‘Too Much Ego’ Will Ruin Your Life | Thought Catalog

Ego | Definition & Facts | Britannica

Find us on our online platforms:
Co-Host: Joshua Fields ACC, CPC, & Master ELI Practitioner
Website: https://joshuafields.coach/   
Instagram: https://instagram.com/joshuaafields?igshid=NDc0ODY0MjQ=
Email List: https://archive.aweber.com/newsletter/awlist6189433 

Co-Host: Jeremy Rubin, Keynote Speaker, Author, Consultant, Sales Leader
Website: http://faceconsultinggroup.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/ajeremyrubinstory?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Take it All podcast, where we see love grow. I am your co-host, jeremy Rubin, and I'm here, episode 32 of my guy, joshua A Fields. Joshua, say hello to the folks Before he gets started.

Speaker 2:

We've been too long for so cheap. And you flex so deep in your sex, so do you. Got a girl, you got a girl.

Speaker 1:

We're using that kind of language of the podcast. What's that? What kind of language? We're dropping in bombs. Is that what we're doing?

Speaker 2:

That after my opening solo, that's the word you want to focus on. I mean, it's not like we don't use the word who's we? You know you don't say the N word. I hate you right now, do you not say it?

Speaker 1:

So it's one in the morning and Joshua was getting in, so he's a little tuckered out because we're actually recording early. So we're just going to continue to move, man my name is Joshua Fields.

Speaker 2:

Thank you for introducing me, jeremy Rubin. Yeah, but I was up late last night with a wedding. I DJ in my moonlight hours and I had a great wedding that I was DJing. Hey guys gonna turn it around. See how we can just vaclate between. We can just go. We have so much range we can go from. You got a girl to late in the midnight hour and God's going to turn it around and around and around. He's going to work on your favor.

Speaker 1:

The past is like. You was just in the club last night. Yeah, laying it at the cross.

Speaker 2:

Man, humans ain't shit. You know that.

Speaker 1:

You was just out there working it out of the dance floor. Now you working it out at this also because it didn't work out.

Speaker 2:

Oh, father man, we are complex, paradox, paradoxical, contradictory beings. And I love it. You love all that smoke. I love it. I love it. I'd be sitting space, to have all the space with people just looking at it. I'd be doing the same stuff.

Speaker 1:

I'd be doing the same stuff when I'm coaching folks and that's a human condition, yeah, but people act like, the moment that you subscribe to any type of whether it's a belief system, whether it's you know they hold you in a certain professional light, that you can make mistakes. Well, you can make mistakes, but it'd be better be the mistakes they decide you're going to make. Absolutely Outside of that box and it's like well, that's not for you.

Speaker 1:

I think I'm just going to be out of there. Yeah, I'll just tell some things and I'm going to talk about it this week, so let's go ahead and do a podcast about that. But I'm going to go down that rabbit hole, but I am going to introduce this episode, episode 32. Guys, thank you for rocking with us, and it is, I think, a timely episode. And this episode Is entitled your ego is in the way. Ruin your life.

Speaker 1:

So let's start out by loosely defining ego. Britannicacom states this about ego. Ego in the psycho analytical theory, is the portion of the human personality which is experienced as the self or I. So this is your self or I and is in contact with the external world through perception. It is said to be part. It is said to be the part that remembers, evaluates plans and, in other ways, is responsive to an acts in the surrounding physical and social world. So part of your ego is necessary, but too much ego can lead us down a crazy path.

Speaker 1:

Ok, so I'll just hop into the first portion of the article. It says that having too much ego makes you less compassionate. It makes you believe the worst in people and get defensive most of the time. It blinds you from seeing the bigger picture or giving the benefit of the doubt. It makes you think that people are personally attacking you instead of trying to understand where they're coming from. So when you have too much ego, when it's when it's about you, this is this is interesting You're actually less compassionate. You have less empathy. Have you ever experienced something like this, josh?

Speaker 2:

Absolutely not. I have transcended my ego. I don't tell what you all deal with. No, I have. I have consistently experienced this. It's a I mean, if we were to put it on our energy scale and talk about it in terms of the energetic profile that I help cover with my clients, it's right there. At one and two, the ego can be activated. What's funny, is it all the Ryan Holiday talks about this in his book Ego the Enemy, and one of the points that he makes that that is can be a blind spot is that success can fuel your ego and make it even more difficult to control or manage, because you are using the success that you have garnered from how you show up and think. Well, it's working.

Speaker 1:

Why would?

Speaker 2:

I need to change, and you know.

Speaker 1:

I'm having a problem.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, everybody else is a problem because we can immediately go to my receipts. Look at my receipts, look at the money I make, look at the house, look at the women I date, look at the, the places I shop, look at where I travel, all in effort, all in fueling your ego, and you know I've definitely been there. I've definitely been there. I've experienced this at work, managing teams, where there might be some things going on on the team that I haven't not necessarily directly I might have. Level three, did I made some compromises or rationalizations in my head that I know some shady stuff is going on, but I won't double click because it's providing me a result that feeds my success, which ultimately feeds my ego, and then it becomes a blind spot. So you don't lean in as as directly as you should, because the success is what you're getting. Is it that bad? No, it's not that bad, and all in effort, your ego is being empowered and then, once it's all said and done, you got the benefits of all of it. But how much damage was done in the process, how much of that has interrupted your ability to have some sustainable results, which we know, level one and level two, especially level two, when you're coming out of from a conflict I hate you, I got to win. It all costs.

Speaker 2:

Well, there's a, there's some, there's some disadvantages to that, which ultimately lead to short term strategies that have long term impacts, and and those impacts are waiting on you once you, once, that ego subsides but you know some people and I've been there or you live in this state of stress and you're fueled by this revenge story or these, these, these hate narratives that you have in your head. I remember even I deal with. I was bullied in a church, I was the fat kid, you know, I wasn't confident. And then, when you start to experience stress, now that becomes. Well, this is my counter to feeling that way. So now my ego is gonna be inflamed and empowered to do work or to do things that feed the ego outside of these victim stories or these ways you've been made to feel, and this is your way to combat that, and your ego is right there, ready to applaud you and spur you on. So, anyway, those are just. Those are. Those are my thoughts.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, no, that's. I mean, that's good stuff. I mean I read. I'm reading the same book based on your recommendation, and one of the things that I realize is my want to talk, maybe when I should be listening to someone that's in front of me, not just waiting to talk. You know so. You know, even when you're holding space for somebody, sometimes they don't need your or want your opinion, but you're a safe space for them to communicate what they're going through. And you know the ego will have you believing that, because of your experiences and because of, maybe, your background, that you may even be a little smarter than what you think you are, and maybe the energy that you're pushing is not even the energy that they need, but it does feed your ego. Look at me, I have the answer. Well, that's not a compassionate position, because it's I focused, it's not them focused. You know I've also seen this, like you said, and you know, and I just want to interject here.

Speaker 2:

The powerful way to which you're talking about is them focus. I want to also make sure that we're also. Them also means you. Yeah, it's the win-win mentality that helps us overcome the ego. It's not just this all right, all service to everybody else, yeah, serve without boundaries.

Speaker 1:

I totally get that.

Speaker 2:

So when we start to move past our ego, like you're a part of them. You know, thinking about now what is the win-win? And it says this is difficult to do, but it is a growth mindset that shows up and say, hey, level five energy's here, how can we all win? What's the win-win for both of us? That allows us to begin to transcend how this becomes this like this, I thing, because when it's all about you, you miss out on the opportunities to be able to serve others while you're a part of that equation. So just want to just anyway, just amplify that point.

Speaker 1:

Well, and even that is a step where it takes a lot more energy, right, like you, like the whole saying I'll go faster by myself, but further with other people, yeah Right, but to go further with other people, there's more that we need to consider, absolutely, even if that other people is not getting into a space where we're just serving someone without boundaries, but even looking out for ourselves, like again, what is the win-win for the group? And the ego gets in directly in the way of that. And I see it in being in cells leadership, where sometimes what we've been taught is to actually create conflict, is to hype up ego, is to create cultures and scenarios where it is less compassionate. Because, like you said, there's a result that we're trying to get and we know that sometimes it's faster to get to that result if the environment is a tad bit toxic for those that are there. You know that whole fight or flight. The hope is that everyone fights in this environment and we're going to get the result that we want a lot faster.

Speaker 2:

Give me an example of that. What does that look like within the leadership?

Speaker 1:

Yeah. So I'll give you an example. I had a I won't mention the name, but I work for a group and the owner had a very interesting way of leadership where it was like he would sprinkle just a little bit of negativity. Like he wanted you to believe that even though you're peers, you're not really peers. Like this person is looking at you and is hunting for your job. That person is looking at you and hunting for your job. This person said this about you. This person said that about you. So what that did was if everybody wasn't galvanized, you couldn't have like a, not necessarily a.

Speaker 1:

When you unionize at a company right, when you think about that, you think about factories we unionize, we have a certain amount of pay, we have a certain amount of sick days. It's in the group coming together that we have our power, because if you don't do these things, we'll walk out. Well, that same equity can happen when people just come together, right, and now we're moving as a unit and we're actually stronger for this. And this individual owner was like I don't really want them to necessarily move as a unit like that, because I might lose some control. So I don't actually want them to come together, I want them to constantly be looking over their shoulder, reporting back to me. I'm the safety. The safety is not in the team. There is no team as individuals actually working their hardest in the same direction, but not necessarily with each other. And that competitive and often toxic culture not only will create a lot of result right, it impacts the bottom line but also for him, he created an environment where he couldn't be toppled over, if that makes any sense.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely.

Speaker 1:

We're not going to come together because we don't even trust each other.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely.

Speaker 1:

So we're going to kind of play the game like we do, but we really don't and that little bit of separation gave him security and safety Absolutely.

Speaker 2:

So that's what I'm talking about.

Speaker 1:

And then I think people who are in that culture will be like yeah, I know exactly what he's talking about.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, absolutely so.

Speaker 1:

I see that and again, now you have more control, but you're definitely less compassionate about the people, because when you're constantly stressed about what people are, you know if your peers are gunning for you or they're out for you. What, if the case may be? I mean, what kind of environment is that? And a lot of us participate in those environments willingly.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that's a great example. That's a great example.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, why don't you move us along to number two?

Speaker 2:

You're telling me what to do.

Speaker 1:

Oh yeah, my little guy's tired. He's telling me what to do. I'm not eating these peas, yeah.

Speaker 2:

Hey, it pushes people away from you. Oh timely. Yeah, exactly, it may attract a few wrong people, but it pushes the so-called right people away from you.

Speaker 1:

Who's the wrong and right people? Josh.

Speaker 2:

I think that that has to be a personal choice and once you get clear on your value system, people that amplify you, the people that are your convex mirror, if you will, or even just can keep it plainly simple for you, the people that help you be more of your own least self, with minimal obstacles and those are the right people. But when you are in a ego-driven mindset, you'll surround yourself with people that you shrink for because you get a benefit out of it directly. Right, we talked about this in ignoring red flags. That is a very ego driven way to engage in relationships, which is I get safety and security out of this, but I don't really feel like myself. I don't get to be my least unhinged self around this person or these people. There's a financial benefit that I get out of this, there's status, there is resources that I have access to, so I prioritize that above and beyond who I am and I shrink for it. So the right people might allow you to live a bit more unapologetically, unleashed and unhinged, in a way that is more authentic to you. That don't necessarily come with these ties to these things that you've justified, that you need because it makes life simpler not easier, but simpler. So too much ego can get in the way of some really dope connections that might be awaiting you, which you're choosing to take care of self and self only. And the ego is really there to be a protection, or the perception of protection, that you have to engage in these relationships with these people because there is a fear that you won't be able to get these other things that you're holding so white knuckle, this white knuckle hold onto without that relationship. So you contour, you shrink, you fold, you come up with an alternate version of who you need to be to maintain a connection that is draining you and I know I've for my professional life. I've held on to my job thinking that I couldn't do it another way. They call them golden handcuffs. Yeah, golden handcuffs, we'll give you this and we'll give you that, and we'll give you this and we'll give you that, but in exchange for this and that, don't chase your dreams, don't be who you are, maintain a compliant mindset to behave and you can have a number of mindsets that involve growth mindset and be right there in corporate America. That's not what I'm talking about For me, the pressure to stay in a box and to stay small because I was organically growing in ways that I could not.

Speaker 2:

I couldn't get in the way of the success no longer mattered. My ego was like, yeah, we've done summit, okay, now what? So there is this pool, this yearning, this call that I had to readjust who I was so I could be a little bit more unhinged and unapologetic and more authentic to what was going on on the inside. And so I had to make a difficult decision and leave my job and now live in this way, and I've gotten my own experiences and my own, my own learnings that really help transform and transcend the ego driven decision to stay small in the space, to keep you limited and I'm all about a limitless mindset. Let's go where we go and let's explore, let's do all these things.

Speaker 2:

And you know, there's still relationships in my life that I have to think about, like, am I getting to the point that this is, this is limiting me or amplifying me? And I think we all should take a, we should all calibrate that often, because you're changing constantly and your marriage, your friendships, your job, your, your social connections, that club that you just joined, like there's always something, as you're changing and evolving, that you need to pause and sit and think Is it time to push this away and embrace more opportunity that allows me to be just more of myself? And that's the constant struggle, that's the constant journey. How much of yourself can you be without fear and do it out loud? And some people don't make that decision. Some people do, some people do a little bit of it and yeah, it's a, it's a. It's a, it's a perspective to have that you deserve, to be able to align with the right people and allow your ego to be in his proper place, so it doesn't keep you from some really dope connections.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I would say, and a lot of the workshops I did, was you know your freedoms on the other side of a tough decision and it always is. You know it's not. It's not that easy thing, you know that's a part of your autopilot, but it's a tough decision and I would say your freedoms, like there's multiple oh, yeah, yeah, absolutely Multiple versions of freedoms that are just ongoing, you know what I'm saying. Oh yeah, no, they're. It's a breakthrough for breakthrough. Glory to glory, yes.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, my God, spin around three times, spin right out of it.

Speaker 1:

I'm a was along to number three. Too much ego stops you from growing, which is kind of piggybacking on what you just said. Yeah, and what I experienced with this is your ego will have you in situations to make you look good and stay comfortable. Right, like, I just need to look. I want to look good today. How do I do that?

Speaker 1:

And so sometimes it's recycling the same stories. Like you know, you've been an executive. I'll see executives tell the same stories seven, eight, nine, 10 times and just to come out and get a lot like, like, because we do that. Right, it's like I'm going to laugh with you because and I'm going to make you feel good because there is some equity being exchanged here If I laugh at the joke, maybe when the promotion comes around, you'll know that, hey, I'm on your side, I'm the friendly guy, I'm the whatever, like, whatever story we need to tell ourselves, right. So that's a simple example, but I'll see, even like, we'll get around people and get into a room.

Speaker 1:

It's like I don't, I don't want to. I want to stay where I'm comfortable, I want to stay in a space where people believe I'm the professional, I know what I'm doing, and sometimes ego will keep you from getting in spaces where you have to be uncomfortable and have to quote, unquote, start over. Because even if you want to do something different or you have a dream, like you did when you were like man, I want to be a coach, it was like, well, there's still some things I got to do, like it moves from an idea to the actual becoming.

Speaker 1:

Well, there's some there's, I got to take quote unquote. People say a step back because I got to learn something. Well, a lot of times we don't want to learn, we. It sounds good, let me learn some new stuff. But then when it actually comes down to it and you have to actually be uncomfortable with not knowing, it's like wait a minute, this isn't feel good. I'm used to knowing the answer and I don't right now, and that can be a big hit to your ego.

Speaker 2:

So Absolutely.

Speaker 1:

Instead of getting in spaces where you don't know and you are uncomfortable, you tend to want to stick to those familiar places. Let me go where everybody knows my name, type oh, he's the guy. And you get that. Oh, you're the guy. You're the guy. You're the one, you're the woman, you're him, you're her. Yet you're not the version of yourself that you want to be, and so, instead of doing the work to be the version of yourself you want to be, you're like, let me get this little dopamine hit by just going back to where I'm comfortable and where they know you know, I'm that person.

Speaker 1:

So I see that a lot.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, and you. You. It's funny is I don't know this personally. Well, I guess I've experienced it. I remember making this decision to leave my job, my career of nearly 15 years, and then getting out here and doing something new and being like, yeah, why don't you? Just you should go back.

Speaker 1:

We had conversations about that.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm on the phone with you. I'm like man. I was talking to my guy, Manfredo, about this. He's making me remind, remind me of this in alignment with our conversations that we have, but it is that it's the I no longer trust, or I'm struggling to access the parts of me that know, if I stick with this, I'll figure this out too, but to your point, it can block you from it, could my decision to be able, and everybody's going through this and this. Again, we're not judging it, this happens, but I got uncomfortable. Oh my God, where are my clients coming from? I'm really out here. I have to find. I got a market. I got a brand. I got to be on social. I got to do this. I got to educate myself.

Speaker 2:

I got to do all these things to be able to be an entrepreneur and work for myself, to generate a revenue that matches in some ways what I've just built for the over the last 15 years. And now I've got to do this again for me, by myself, by myself, quote, unquote yeah, I'll just go back to just where everybody knows my name. Yeah, let me go back to the tribe. I'm sure let me. Just I'm tripping, but it is in that transition, right? It's in that transition where you need to remind yourself of who you are and sometimes, obviously, it helps to have a concave or not a concave. A convex or a plain mirror help hold that vulnerable space for you. That's why people hire coaches or hire some type of accountability resource. They help them in that transition when they're moving from a place that they've been comfortable to a space of growth and your ego is fighting you all along the way in that transition. When you recognize that you can put your ego in this proper place to then still allow yourself to, to move through that uncomfortable feeling and those thoughts that would keep you small or keep you, keep you back from experiencing a growth opportunity, and you know and people make that decision they'll go back to what's comfortable. It's very human. But just know that you're missing out on some other things that you don't know are coming your way If you just stretch forward and move towards the the uncomfortable parts anyhow. So yeah, let's.

Speaker 2:

Let's move on to number four. It blocks love from coming into your life. So the article says when you don't allow yourself to be vulnerable or risk facing rejection, you don't take too many risks or chances on love, chances that could turn your life around. When you're always waiting for others to come to you, you're going to miss out on amazing people or, even worse, alienate them. I'm going to read that again when you don't allow yourself to be vulnerable or risk facing a rejection, you don't take too many risks or chances on love. And what's interesting about this is I have a client that I'm supporting right now and you go through a bunch of bad breakups or things that didn't work out per se and that then feeds your ego. See, this is why I have to take a break. I have to go on my healing journey or I have to not engage in toxic or like now that now we've, now they're, now they're toxic and they're narcissists and they're they're all these other things right, these pop culture buzzwords buzzwords.

Speaker 2:

What's so dope about? Again, I'm a proponent of coaching. What's so dope about coaching is you get to look at you in the mirror. You get to look at your participation in an environment, your participation in an environment that causes you to shrink and pull back because of fear of rejection, going back to the toxic ex or the ex or the whatever that person was, however you label them, depending on how you feel that day.

Speaker 2:

Well, that's a real thing. That's it's an ego driven decision because it's comfortable. They know my name, they know my situation, they already know what's going on. I don't really have to fight to be an evolved person, because what if that person is rejected? I can't handle that anymore. So I'll just be who I am. And if I look at who I am, because I'm fixed see some of that, there's a little bit of that I'm just saying who I am. Well, that means you're fixed, and fixed things die. Things that change and constantly move and, as fluid, are growing. That's literally the difference. So, when we go back to these spaces that we've already been to, because we're afraid of finding love as we move through, what part did I play in this? How do I grow and evolve? Well then, I might alienate a whole host of people that are waiting on a version of me that doesn't exist. But I realized that this version of me needs to come out because if I don't, I'll keep dating the same people with a different name.

Speaker 1:

Yep, I'll go from X to X to see.

Speaker 2:

Depend on the time of the day.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Crazy out here.

Speaker 1:

It's crazy.

Speaker 2:

It's crazy, bullets are flying.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, look out, duck. No, I mean and you're right, it's true, I mean and get into a space where you're like, what am I doing to continue to get this result? Like really having that conversation and I think that this moves to a couple of the other steps before it's like growing, is surrounding yourself with people that aren't just going to pat you on the shoulder and console you and say, man, yeah, this sucks if this keeps happening to you and I'm like, well, let's actually look at. Actually, I love you, so I'm a hold this space. I know you're hurting, but how do we create an environment where this happens less of the time?

Speaker 1:

Absolutely, what could we have done now that this has become a pattern? I don't know all these people, but I do know you and I know that this is something that we consistently talk about. We've been dealing with this for a decade. So what can we do to move into a situation where we we get different or just accept that we, like this little world coaster, we're on Right One of the other? That's something to accept too, yeah, yeah, number five Too much ego makes you irrational. The article says when all you want to do is win or prove others wrong, you start acting in ways that are not very diplomatic. Oh shit, oh shit.

Speaker 2:

Let's say, I don't need to read this one.

Speaker 1:

You will always say and do things that you might you might regret If all you want to do is prove you're right instead of trying to understand things from a logical standpoint.

Speaker 1:

Now level three. This, this thing right here, is so interesting to me because I have a couple of friends that will roll this way where it's like the wind matters so much that I'm not even listening to you anymore. Like, I understand what you're saying is a boundary of what you're saying you want, but my win is so important that I'm going to do whatever I need to do, will whatever I need to, will change I ever need to change just to get the win, which is a very irrational thing. Right, it doesn't take me to account, the other parties. At the end of the day, it's, it's. It's. It's probably hurting you too, because you have to become a version of yourself that you might look in the mirror and hate. You got the result, but what is the community around you look like? At what cost? At what?

Speaker 2:

cost, at what cost? At what cost? Yeah, especially when the stressor that surrounds you is something that you hate, it becomes a level two mindset Resent was resentment, conflict oriented. I hate you. I have to win, and I will do that through by any means necessary, and doing it in a way where you are draining yourself in the process to get to this outcome, because of what you're fighting against is something that you detest, and so, again, rational thinking is out the window at that point, because the need to be right supersedes the need to be logical.

Speaker 1:

Yes. And you're like for what? Because you'll get it was so crazy about. I see folks in this cycle, right here you'll get the win and it's so minimal in comparison to the energy you had to expend and the pain that you had to experience to get the win and it's like is it even a win at that point? Just something to think about. Or is it the ego saying I like that shiny thing, we're going to do whatever we need to do to go pick your it.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, not as real. Damn just driving down people's streets today. No, no regard for the speed limit, no regard.

Speaker 2:

My guys is just yeah, here we are. Number six it makes you competitive in an unhealthy way. It lines a lot with point five. It can make you want to harm others so that you can remain on top. It makes you not wish the best for someone else and it will make you less content with your life, with your life when you want to take what others have Go. I remember all my sales awards were one out of this mindset. I didn't stay there. But there was definitely Joshua. You're soft, Joshua. You're not good enough, You're not smart enough. You're too unregulated, too undisciplined.

Speaker 2:

You don't have the insight or the competitive business mind to be able to grow your business or whatever it is, whatever, and really these were stories that I took from a little here, a little there and interpreted them as I don't belong, but I want to belong. I'm going to show you what I'm capable of. So you are great, I am. You're going to tell me how great I am? Absolutely, because my voice no, it's not good enough. I need the masses to communicate to me who I am. Is it a little bit of Xerxes? Worship me, for I am kind. Worship me, for I am kind. I'm going to keep it a buck.

Speaker 2:

If there's a part of me that has that struggles with fit with something in life, if I had one, this part, oh, this is the one, this is the one. Yeah, we're not booking clients just to be booking clients. There is a part of me that is driving to silence the voices, or the multitude, or the people that I used to work with. Well, what's he doing now? Right Again, short term strategies that have long term impacts, because how it impacts me is I never think I'm doing good enough, even in my current business.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, no matter how great a week you know, no matter how great I know, how great a week, no matter how much revenue has been generated, no matter people literally tell me to my face Thank you. Thank you for holding this space.

Speaker 1:

What's up, sam? I'm going to add to this Now. I'm not going to be inappropriate and put your record breaking business weeks out here, but I we need to drive this home and I'm going to use you to drive this home. This, do this, do this guy in one week, closed enough business that most people individuals they don't make that in a year and by the end of the week it's for the streets.

Speaker 1:

It's for the streets. It's for the streets. It like it doesn't, it doesn't even matter. I want to say that because there's a lot of people that will put your profession on a pedestal and will believe that somehow you're above the curriculum. He's not, and I hope I'm saying this so that whoever's listening to this if you're out there killing it in your results you're out there killing it and you should be happy and you're not and you're like is there something wrong with me?

Speaker 1:

No, you're in good company. Yeah, because you got two people who have done the same thing and will look at it and because we were connected to it for some reason. It's the streets and just being happy with what you've done and it's a dangerous road to go. I mean, I'll tell a story. So when I was on the sales floor, there's a guy that I mean me and him would beef, beef, and I'm sitting here working on my book while I'm, you know, working right. So for about four months I was just not hitting the numbers I needed to hit was just slipping, and normally me and him would go back and forth. I went a couple of months, he went a couple of months, but he had strung four months in a row. We'll have five months in a row. You get a $5,000 bonus. So it's a Saturday morning meeting, it's the first of the month and this is the month where, if he wins this month, he's going to get his, his, his, his, his bonus for five grand.

Speaker 1:

The meeting starts off. I look at him, with everybody watching, and I say hey, bro, just so you know you're going to have to sell over 30 cars to beat me this month and I'm going to make sure that you don't beat me this. And so everybody's now juiced. I break a record at the store and this is before like cash for clunkers. So in COVID there's a lot of you know inflated numbers because of that. But in the normal time I break a record at the store. I do just under 40 cars. He does two cars less than me. We do 72 cars between. Two people made the store a whole bunch of money.

Speaker 1:

He did not win, I made sure of that, but it was at what cost? I did not see my kids for a month. You know what I'm saying. And then, when it was over, joshua, after the big paycheck, after the sales within the month, after all the kudos, I'm like I got to climb this hill again. The month just starts over and it's for the street Some people talk about, but it's whatever it's like. So you can have these great accomplishments that are connected to results and still feel, at the end of the day, I got to do more and that becomes a vicious cycle, that ego drives.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I'm moving on to just one more point there, because it's you know, obviously this is I'm looking in a mirror. You know there's a delicate balance between ambition, no question, no question, right, there's nothing wrong with ambition, there's nothing wrong with ego. It's just like let's be mindful and accept what we're seeing. But ambition can drive us to do some great things and ego can be right there waiting to sabotage all the great things that you're doing and delay progress and keep you from being able to be in a mindset where the journey in and of itself is the destination. The journey is where we should follow, the process is where we should, where we should land, or is a is a place to land that would allow you not to be so consumed with. I'm doing this so I can be recognized and so the kingdom can tell me who I am. I'm doing this so I can get a result that other people can look at and applaud and praise and say who, who, who. And now that becomes what we chase is the recognition and the result for people to look at and tell us who we are.

Speaker 2:

But the process right, that commitment to the process, without cheapening the results with your ego. By doing, you might start to add some other enhancers or some other things, or take some some, some shortcuts to get to the result faster, right? So you cheapen your process because, again, you're ambitious, but falling in love with that, that process, and doing it so-called hard way and and leaning into, you know, the growth and development that comes through the process without it being cheapen with shortcuts and and and and ways that that that minimize your outcome is just something to consider and be and be mindful of. Is that that ego ambition? It's just a thin line between the two and you can easily fall victim into the ego as you, as you pursue your, your, your process from an ambitious, from an ambitious standpoint.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I'd also say this, though if you're comfortable with it and you're good with it, then cool, right, my thing, like we talked about, like you talked about, like the voices that are driving you right and understanding that man, this is not sustainable for me and maybe not the healthiest for me. I get to result, but I can see what it is. But I've also known people who are like this is just who I am, especially as you get older, like this is just who I am, I accept it. My thing is, if you accept it and you're willing to follow in that sort, I respect that.

Speaker 1:

I respect the folks that are just like, hey, this is how I'm rolling, and I'm rolling like this, no matter what, and I'm okay with me because I think that that's the space that most of us are trying to get to. It's like how can I be okay with me more of the time, right? So and again, that comes with this blind spot, but there's something to say about somebody's like yeah, I, just for me, I need the challenge, I need the mirror, and I'm going to do what I need to do to find it. Now, if there is no challenge out there, there's no nothing to be one anymore. It's going to be tough on the identity Totally. You're really tough on the identity and I've been there. But if you're just like, yeah, this is who I am and this is what I go for and this will get me moving, I have a little bit of respect for that too.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I don't think there's any way to show up at sometimes. I think we we pick what's the right way to show up that receives no pushback or no right, right, no commentary.

Speaker 2:

And there isn't Right, right, and I talk about this even in my, in my coaching sessions no matter what level of energy you embrace the most, there is a blind spot. You could be a level seven, most authentic thinker in the world, and you're probably not going to have the main relationships Right, this is just real. You're just going to be seen as someone that's a luffin out of touch with reality. Yeah, you know, there's a reason why the billionaire might have difficulty connecting with someone. Again, their money could be an obstacle for people to connect. Who knows the connections that aren't there because their money's in the way. And I'm saying like you can get so high up in your mind that you you lose.

Speaker 2:

The blind spot is that you lose connection with really dope people or other people that could be inspired by you, but because you seem so out of touch, or so successful, or whatever it can, it can interrupt an opportunity to, to have a connection on a human level, versus you know, the things that you, that you've, that you've acquired, that get in a way mentally for people to think that I, they're out of my league, I can't talk to that person Right, and so on and so forth. So yeah. Let's go to level. Let's go, not level seven, let's go to number seven.

Speaker 1:

It makes you critical. Too much ego makes you too critical. Too much ego makes you criticize everyone and complain about everything because they're not up to your standards. Now, this can also actually let me move through it. That kind of attitude will not make you enjoy anything in your life, because you will never be satisfied If you keep trying to point out what's wrong with the world.

Speaker 1:

I see this in myself, even sometimes with how I parent. Like I'd be like okay, boys, you need to clean the kitchen. Now my daughter's really good about like. I'm like like she'll actually get the stuff done to my standards. My boys, they're going to do just enough for it to look right on the surface, right, literally. Like I get to the counter, I'm like this counter is not clean, like you guys, literally where's the cleaner? Right? I'm like, hey, there's a certain standard that I want and that's okay and that's fine. But sometimes we could be such perfectionists and how we want and we're so critical that we're constantly we get into this mindset of let me point out what's wrong instead of what's right, and all the time to where it can even affect our mood or how we look at the world or how we look at people. So when we want it our way and we're like this is connected to a certain result, sometimes it doesn't give space for looking at what people are doing right to.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely. Shall we move on to number eight? Go ahead, number eight it makes you greedy. Too much ego can make you greedy because you always want more and you want to win big and you want to win bigger. It's good to be ambitious. When you become greedy, you can take away everything you've worked hard for and you will never appreciate what you have when you have it. I remember you coming down to the house and we just bought a new house and you you said, is this? You know it's a beautiful house, I like it Absolutely. You know Wakanda's in the back. Wakanda, I got Wakanda.

Speaker 1:

Fern Gully. You got Fern Gully.

Speaker 2:

Sorry, I got Fern Gully in the backyard. You know some of the. Sometimes I think I'm like man. I would love for my dad to see this, but you asked me. What did you ask me?

Speaker 1:

So homes are a trigger for me, just being honest.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Because I mean my mother, when she was motivating us really young, will walk us over to the north in Tacoma and the north in Ruston, specifically some of the most beautiful houses you ever see. And basically her thing was boys, when y'all make it now, we grew up in the hilltop area at a time where it was riddled with gangs, crack, cocaine. It just wasn't the spot, not the spot that it is today, and so her thing was boys, joe, jeremy, when you guys make it, you'll be able to buy whatever house, find the most beautiful house. When you go to college, when you get your degree, this is what you're going to have. And so the epitome of success was the house on the water, was the nice house on the street. It didn't mean I had to be on the water, but just the big, nice house. And so I remember being on my way to that house and, you know, made some decisions around relationships that stopped, that, stopped that dead in its tracks. And so I've got a decent house. But Joshua A has a really, really nice house and I'm looking at it. But I also know what it takes to get that type of house and I'm in this house and it's beautiful. Guys, I'm telling you that the thing is gorgeous.

Speaker 1:

And I asked him. I was like, hey, like when did it? Almost basically asking when does it turn into a bill? Like, when does the feeling leave? Because it's such a drive for me to have, you know, this nice place for everybody to come to. As I've gotten older, what I've realized is a lot of times, these nice things that's I did idealistically seem great the moment you have them, eventually it wears off and it just becomes a bill, right? So on one hand, I'm like I'm not trying to take away this moment from him because it's a big deal, but on the other hand, I'm like this is my guy and I want some insight because I'm thinking about doing something around this elk. Is it going to be worth the cost? Like, how long can I hold on to? That feeling is really what I was trying to ask. Yeah, and what did you say to me?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it's, it's for the streets because you have it now Right, we're talking about this.

Speaker 2:

That's the paradox. You know guys, this is powerful.

Speaker 1:

This is powerful. Listen, listen, because there's something that you're chasing right now. The idea of it sounds great, and then you're like it's worth the cost, it's worth the cost. And then you write that check and you're in it and you're like wait, what was I fighting for? Yeah, why did I stay in this construct?

Speaker 2:

It's staying the security for this.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's the reminder that your journey and I know I hope this doesn't sound- too, far out there too, spiritual or not landed in reality, but literally, and we all know this. Standing in line for the ride at Disneyland, how you stand in line, is a whole experience, because that ride is going to be way shorter. The experience of the ride itself is going to be the percentage of time on the ride versus how long you stood in line to get to Disneyland, to be there. To all those memories, the ride is just gone and it's just done. Then you got the feeling of the ride and then I got to write something else.

Speaker 1:

Right, you got to say you got on the ride.

Speaker 2:

Really, I got exactly. But it is that in between, you get to decide what that experience is like, based on your choices, and it really is. I mean, this came up in the movie air and Phil Knight's character played by Ben Affleck, or Ben Affleck, phil Knight's character yeah, played by Ben Affleck. He talks about the journey being the destination. It is the journey, it is the work that you do to get what you're getting.

Speaker 2:

But don't get overly fascinated with the feeling and I'm talking to myself right now the feeling that you get when you acquire the result or the recognition that comes from the result. If that becomes your motivation and drive, that in and of itself is ego driven and there is no end to that. So now your ambition is being used to get to a feeling versus the experience of the nuanced feelings that you have along the way that create really create who you are. It isn't the being able to buy the big house that creates who you are. No, it was the discipline and the time and the prioritization of resources along the journey that developed the skills that allowed you to be able to acquire not only this house but multiple houses. Right For sure, absolutely, and so it is in its that delicate balance between ambition and ego. Ambition and ego, because sometimes that ego can feed how driven you are to be ambitious. And if that's the feeling you're chasing of being able to acquire the thing that has the feeling well, good luck Eventually that house warming is over.

Speaker 2:

That's an endless cycle and you will never ever feel fulfillment. And why this is so powerful? Because this not only shows up in being able to be able to purchase a dope home, but this shows up in there's never enough clients, there's never enough money to make, there's never enough this, there's never enough that.

Speaker 1:

There's never enough partners. You have a great partner and next thing you know it's just like well, I'm now I'm looking at what you don't do and and and. What's crazy about what you're saying with this is so many people. It's like I got to just get it. And then I had a conversation with someone yesterday even in when you get it like I need it by blank. I got to be married by this age. I got to have the house by this age. I got to have the promotion by this age. I have to lose the weight in four months. Right, three months, two months. What's the fastest way to get there?

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

And then what ends up happening is because most great things in life not only take time, but more time than you actually think If you don't get there in the allotted time, because it becomes about the goal in the time versus the process. Process out the window. I just want it and I want it by blank. Yeah, I have people who are getting married to people right now because they said I need to be married by blank. People that are having kids with people, because my biological clock is ticking right and I'm not even judging it, I'm just saying that you just call it out.

Speaker 1:

This becomes a thing where I'm literally sitting. You know was down, you know close to 40 pounds, got up 12. I'm talking to a trainer yesterday just chopping up cool dude. And he's like you know, for the next 75 pounds that you want to take off 70, it may take 70 to 75 weeks for sustainable weight loss. I was like nobody wants to hear that, do that. He's like. Nobody wants to hear that. He was like but what's crazy about it is those 70, 75 weeks are going to pass, yeah.

Speaker 2:

And I bet you no matter who I'm talking to.

Speaker 1:

if they were to pass and they were there, they would be much happier than if they didn't start at all. Yeah, so sometimes we have to remove these timelines that we place with no professional opinion. By the way, we be putting timelines on stuff that's not ours. It's the universes right Like we put a timeline there to add another level of difficulty and another level of stress.

Speaker 2:

And you might as well go on to the next point, which leaves us into point nine. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:

Adding ego, only too much ego Only adds more stress. When you're always trying to be above everyone else and taking everything as a direct hit to your self worth, you will probably not be sleeping very well and you probably won't have any peace, right? So the idea that everything that's there is on you and if it's not working out it's because there's something wrong with you, is an ego thing. It's I. It's me, because the world as I want to see it and experience and feel is not happening right now. Well, maybe it just takes a little bit more time.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:

There's something to think about.

Speaker 2:

And the last point here is ego can kill your happiness. It kills your happiness. Your ego can take away so many good things in your life and push people that you love far away from you. Your ego will affect the way you live your life and you won't be able to deal with the disappointments or the hardships in a way that is constructive or healthy, and disappointments are a part of life. There's not a life that you can live or aspire to that will not come with the feelings of being disappointed, rejected, made to feel like you're not good enough.

Speaker 2:

It is a part of our journey, recognizing the perfect design that is life. It's up to us on how we engage with it so we can gain better control of our ego, so we can do things that are more constructive. We can take more risk, realizing that our risk taking will come with information that make, make us feel a certain way. But it's embracing these feelings of the full range of human emotions by taking the risk, taking the risk on love, taking the risk on quitting, taking the risk on that trip, taking the risk on a new idea or new venture, because it's the data from the process and the journey that informs how you make more educated steps to take even more risk to grow and to thrive. Yeah, you can be who you want to be or you can stay how you are. There's no, there's no judge mean either way of how you feel, in a way that protects your ego from feeling any emotion that is going to stop your progress.

Speaker 2:

Allow yourself to unfold and take the risk to unfold in ways that only amplify you and help you in disappointments and all the things, the emotions that we try to avoid. They come with the territory If we make space to recognize. Yeah, I'm going to be disappointed, I'm going to be sad. Things aren't going to always work out. That's the beauty of being alive and that's difficult to hear. Like you said, the time is going to pass regardless. It's passing right now.

Speaker 2:

It's passing right now, and we're decided to carve out some time and record an episode around the ego, to help people, to help ourselves, to look in the mirror and reflect often about how do we course correct where we are in our journey right now, to make some more informed decisions that are more in alignment with who we want to be. So anyway, brother, another dope, dope subject that I appreciate your creative, intuitive insight in meeting the people right where they are, where they are, so we can continue to grow and excel in this whole experiment called life.

Speaker 1:

Absolutely. And before I tell the folks what they can do to support us, I would like to add one more thing, which is that this whole happiness ego kills happiness. I think that we talk about this a lot. There's a lot of people stuck in the in between and as a coach, as a mentor, having a podcast, holding space, you can't do it for people, but you can shine a light on a path that may be more advantageous for them.

Speaker 1:

And I would just say this that if you're not happy about where you are, regardless of what that looks like, you're probably in the in between, and there's two things that you can do. You can either accept what is happening right, and that comes with its own set of peace, or you can do the uncomfortable thing remove the ego and move towards, because a lot of times it's removing the ego to move towards what is new, to move towards what is, for you, right. Being stuck in that in between sucks, because you're constantly oscillating between I want to go towards the new thing, but I want to remain comfortable, and it's that part that drives you insane, because I'm not really moving towards what I want to move towards.

Speaker 1:

I know I need to, and yet I'm continuing to shrink, so I can feel some comfort. Well, nothing's ever going to change. Unless you accept where you are, you make the jump and no one can do that for you. Yeah but we can at least illuminate the fact that that's a real thing. Yeah you know, that's a real thing, so again this has been an awesome episode with you.

Speaker 1:

As far as support, this is the same thing. You know, download this, share this with somebody that needs to hear. You know, have to. You know, if you want to share to your social media, great. But even if you pick one or two people that you're like, yeah, this is a mess, they need to hear. Text it to him, say you know, check us out, share, join our social media and also tell us what you want us what you want to hear, because we're super malleable in that area. We want to make sure that we give you something that that that serves you, and so far it's been 32 episodes and I couldn't do it with a better guy.

Speaker 2:

You better believe it All right, y'all. Thank you so much, oh yeah man keep taking it off.

Speaker 1:

Hey, shout out to JJ and Jenae Lawrence. They got married yesterday. Those are, those are the. The Jenae is the daughter of Jesse and Andre and the Pia's, the longtime friends of mine, got to go to their wedding yesterday and was just reinvigorated with the fact that love exists. Super excited for them, you know. Shout out to the happy couple and the parents. I mean dude, I'm not even gonna lie, I watched him. I've been knowing Jenae for the last I don't know 14, 15 years and I'm, and Jesse too. I'm watching Jesse walk his daughter down the aisle and do I got emotional at that. I'm crying just watching my guy watch walk his daughter down the aisle. It was a really great experience.

Speaker 2:

So many things I've got to tell you Soulchild. But it's a pain. I don't know how. Okay.

Speaker 1:

This has been the take it off podcast where we see love grow. Thank you so much for tuning in. I wish I had the button in this, but I don't.

Speaker 2:

He does.

Speaker 1:

Everybody's left by now, oh man.

People on this episode

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Jeremy Rubin

Co-host
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Joshua Fields

Co-host