Take it off! See. Love. Grow.
An unfulfilled life has less to do with what it is - and more with how you see it. Your fulfillment is often on the other side of a tough decision or conversation. It is in the resolving of conflict and the releasing of self-judgment that we grow the most. So, if you feel stuck in your career, relationships, or how you think about yourself, it’s time to “TAKE IT OFF” and show up as your authentic self. Joshua A. Fields and Jeremy Rubin co-host the “Take it Off” Podcast. As a master practitioner of the Energy Leadership Index with 15 years of executive leadership experience at a Fortune 10 company, Certified Executive Coach Joshua Fields has a proven track record of creating high-performing teams and environments for personal transformation. Renowned author, speaker, and founder of FACE Consulting, Jeremy Rubin, immediately impacts groups large and small using humor, personal stories, and practical, result-driven applications. These two have brought unique life experiences, skill sets, and energy to create an experience like no other. The mission is simple but not easy. It is to empower people with the skills to see and accept themselves and others clearly and without judgment to live a more authentic life. So, if you’re ready to live with purpose and curiosity and to get clear on what you want for your life, join us weekly at the “Take it Off” Podcast. Some concepts are based on and inspired by the coach training program Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching (iPEC).
Take it off! See. Love. Grow.
Great People Resolve Conflict: Communication for Personal Growth
Today's chat explores the fear of conflict and confrontation holding you back from authentic expression and growth. We discuss conflict avoidance as a manifestation of people-pleasing behavior rooted in fear, and the harmful impacts of unresolved conflict. Learn to reframe confrontation for productive communication. Discover strategies to navigate difficult conversations, plan and rehearse key points, and break cycles of bitterness. Manage stress with sensory tools and emotional management techniques. Embrace feedback for self-development and growth. Engage in difficult conversations, face rejection, and transform how we handle conflicts, leading to deeper connections. Tune in for this insightful episode on authentic communication.
Reference:
https://www.healthline.com/health/conflict-avoidance#what-it-is
Find us on our online platforms:
Co-Host: Joshua Fields ACC, CPC, & Master ELI Practitioner
Website: https://joshuafields.coach/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/joshuaafields?igshid=NDc0ODY0MjQ=
Email List: https://archive.aweber.com/newsletter/awlist6189433
Co-Host: Jeremy Rubin, Keynote Speaker, Author, Consultant, Sales Leader
Website: http://faceconsultinggroup.com/
Welcome to the take it out podcast, where we see love grow. I am your co-host, jeremy Rubin, and I am here with my guy, joshua, a Fields Joshua. How are you doing today, sir?
Speaker 2:Keeping your steelo just once. If I had the chance, the things I would do to you, you and your body, every single portion. See you Up and down your spine. The juice is flowing down your thigh.
Speaker 1:Really, that's what we're doing.
Speaker 3:Play that last night.
Speaker 1:Is that what we're doing?
Speaker 3:Proud of him Wild bro. What would you just like mouthing all the lyrics, bro. It's like Tony by Gene White is like my ultimate stripper song If I ever You're not If I ever start an imagine.
Speaker 1:This is not a mouth. Just get mad.
Speaker 3:There's no, no, don't let don't let it change, that would be the song.
Speaker 1:That would be the song. Don't let janetate a juice you up. There's a lot of stuff going on. There's editing, there's a lot of as a story, professional, okay, they make it. Okay. And I've seen you dance. You're good, but you're not. You're not. I mean you are in Oregon, they got. I mean they're on every corner, so maybe they have one for like you know, I mean 40.
Speaker 3:I think there's more strip clubs in Portland than any other major city, any city, oh fam.
Speaker 1:No question. When I came down to visit you, like one of the first times when I came down to visit you and I was like, oh, I'm going to go out tonight and literally thinking everything's a club no, everything's not just the club down there I'm like can I find just a normal club? Do you go to clubs, or do I got to keep running into the, the bot, the bottery, what?
Speaker 3:You went to club rules or acropolis. You have, I didn't go to the Acre.
Speaker 1:I didn't go to any of that Acre, okay, no, not at all. Okay, I don't know Again. Anyway, I don't even know how we got it. Oh yeah, that's because you were singing genuine and talking about your business model of opening up a 40 and up strip club for men.
Speaker 2:That means that we're going to move on.
Speaker 1:No, you talked about being the star of the opening act.
Speaker 3:No, that's not my. This is episode that was my target demographic.
Speaker 1:No, but that's your target demographic, because that's all that's going to be there. Hey, this kit, this results from conflict because great people do it. This is episode 33. Okay, I'm excited to be here. Who was 33? Who was a great 33? Scotty Pippin. Scotty Pippin.
Speaker 3:Okay, you know, our Lord and Savior died at 33.
Speaker 1:So the story goes I'm so done with you. Was Patrick Ewan 33 or no? I can't remember he might have been. If Patrick Ewan is 33, go ahead and cash out me $250 for winning the prize. So this episode is called Great People Resolve Conflict, and we will lean in on an article from Healthlinecom called Conflict Avoidance. Doesn't Do you Any Favors.
Speaker 3:Larry Bird was 33. Larry Bird, larry Bird and Patrick Ewan. So you're right.
Speaker 1:Larry Bird, patrick Ewan and that one time Karim Adujibar was, so there's a lot of great 33s out there, did you? Google that, because I just accessed the source.
Speaker 1:I didn't have to go to Google, but in continue what we were talking about. Why you so disrespectfully interrupted me? Before we talk about how to resolve conflict, let's talk about how conflict avoidance shows up. The article reads conflict avoidance is a type of people pleasing behavior that typically arises from deep rooted fear of upsetting others. Many of these tendencies can be traced back to growing up in an environment that was dismissive or hypocritical. People who respond to conflict this way often expect negative outcomes and find it difficult to trust other people's reactions. In other words, asserting your opinion can seem scary.
Speaker 1:You prefer to be seen as the nice person at work or in relationships that may shy away from healthy conversation. In a relationship, this can look like going silent on your partner changing the subject or enduring uncomfortable situations for way too long. Here are more examples of how they manifest. We know these stonewalling fear of disappointing others, deliberately sidestepping conversation, silently resenting, just sitting there, festering silently resenting all resolve issues. Now, really quickly, why this is not helpful. When you avoid the slightest disagreement, you're compromising your true feelings and you're storing up frustrations that can ultimately impact your health. A study in 2013 found that bottling up your emotions can increase the risk of premature death, including cancer. This is crazy. Laughing nervously or plastering on a fake smile can also lead to feelings of loneliness and depression. At the end of the day, resolve it, joshua. Why don't you lead us into our first strategy on how to resolve conflict Unless there's something you want to tap in that you heard, because there's a lot of good stuff in there.
Speaker 3:No, there was a lot of great stuff in there, but I think it'll unfold in our conversation. We can move through it. Number one reframe confrontation. Disagreeing with someone doesn't necessarily mean fighting. Quote unquote. Keep in mind that it's not about blaming the other person or proving who's right or wrong in a given situation. Conflict resolution is about standing up for yourself and communicating when you feel angry or frustrated. It's also about ensuring that problematic issues are dealt with so they don't happen again in the future. Reframing is so important when you first position yourself in a place that needs the reframe. This isn't about the other person. Yet when you're resolving conflict, it's about you being able to speak your truth and speak it in a way that puts you at the center of what it is that you need the conflict to be resolved about.
Speaker 3:Oftentimes we avoid. There's a activity that I do at groups, when I'm coaching a large group of folks or a small group of folks. A part of avoidant relationships involves avoiding conflict, lower level energy. We see this wherever humans are gathered, but I'm usually at their place of work when I'm having these conversations. I have them write down what's an avoidant conversation that you are not having with your co-worker, your boss or whatever it is. I typically try to make sure that they stay with those in the room. What's a conversation that you're not having that you guys show up every day and act like it's all cool, but it's not. What's that story? I want to know that. They start looking around and getting nervous, which means I say, okay, let's do this. Here's a three by five paper. Write it out on this card. I will gather all the information. I put in my little hat or whatever kind of box I have, I'll mix it up and I start pulling out. That is the most important effort in being able to create a great organization is being able to shine a light on the conversations that people are not having and reframe it as constructive for the group. You are not going to go anywhere or be great or excel. Now again, you might have some results that look cool and meet some sale. I'm talking about the way you feel, about what you're doing.
Speaker 3:Sometimes people are in marriages for years, for years. It looks like wow. If we use the marker of time, we'll applaud them. I say, wow, look at them. They've been able to stay together for X amount of years. How'd you do it? You can do it a number of ways Absolutely, and it might not be constructive. Oftentimes people can be in relationships because they're avoiding each other. They're both playing small. But if my marker of time is the result that I'm trying to get, well, I can do anything as long as I keep avoiding it, because what I'm getting out of it is people go look at my marriage and say wow, they lasted at this date.
Speaker 3:Is that how you want to live? Live in the impact of what avoiding difficult, conflict-based situations do to your health, and so that's a decision the individual has to make for them. But reframing confrontation as a necessary tool to engage in to allow you to show up a little bit more authentic, a little bit more free, a space where you feel a bit more fully expressed. We know the constructive and positive outcomes by you continuously being able to show up, no matter the space, as someone that is fully expressed and not playing small or contorting or shape-shifting for the sake of others, because you want to make sure you're seen in the great graces and a certain light.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I talk about this all the time, where we say that your freedom is on the other side of a tough decision, and most of the time, the toughest decisions people have to make is a conversation that they need to have. I remember earlier on in my career one of my first corporate clients. I was in this huge company leadership team, super Stodgy. Again, nobody wanted to admit that there was an issue, but I'm like, okay, I'm here, stodgy, stodgy. Yeah, what's Stodgy mean? We're going to pretend like everything is fine, we're not going to admit that we have a problem. We're going to button up these shirts and keep moving forward. But there is a problem, I wouldn't be here.
Speaker 1:And as a matter of fact, no matter whether you think there's a problem or not, because you have your own blind spots, someone like me should be here, so let's keep that a buck. And so one of the questions I framed. So I said, okay, when we talk about reframing, confrontation, right, this group was pretty cavalier in the fact that we can do anything, we can hear anything, it's whatever I'm like. Okay, I'm going to have you guys ask each other one question, and it was a group of about 15. And so each person sat on the other side of the other person and the question was if fear wasn't a factor and obviously it's not in this room, because you guys are all above the curriculum what is something that you would share with me? If there wasn't a factor, like if there was no consequence, what would you tell me? And if you could see the humbling spirit come over the? And then we just walked through it and it was one of the. I mean, it was one of the. After the workshop, of course, people shared with me that it was one of the greatest breakthroughs that they had had with people that they were basically lining up alongside to work with every day, and then they also brought that into their home lives. So this is real. Now we're just out here giving away the game at this point, because these workshops aren't free, but we give it away the game.
Speaker 1:But it's important for people to know that when you want to move towards conflict, you know, or confrontation, reframing is super important because you're already going to see most things as negative, especially the hard thing. I'll move us on to number two make a plan. Having a plan set before confronting someone can help you feel more prepared in the moment. Rehearsing concise points, rehearsing concise points, let me say that one more again. Rehearsing concise points, you'd like to get across to someone so you feel confident when addressing them. Now, let me talk about that for a second.
Speaker 1:Oftentimes, when we have a specific conflict, our minds, as we prepare to speak to someone, can bring in a lot of stuff that have nothing to do with what we're actually talking about, right? And this is why, if you don't resolve a conflict, it becomes this roller coaster of moments of bitterness and resentment, because they start to layer on what the real thing is, and now you're attacking the person personally because that's easier than just dealing with the conflict which is really about you, right, and so when we talk about having a plan, it's to stay on point, because if you don't, this thing that can be very constructive without a plan can't turn into a visceral experience. I felt fall short there before and what I realized was like man, now I got to go back and clean up the mess I made and then still deal with the conflict. So it's important to have a plan so that you stay on point, because if you don't, you'll go the easy way, and the easy way is tearing the person down and fronting you because you haven't checked your emotions. Absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 3:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:What would you like to add to that coach? No, I was just. I can see your face.
Speaker 3:They can't see your face. I can see your face. I was thinking about when you don't, the moments when you're resolving conflict and you don't rehearse your concise points.
Speaker 3:Yeah you dirty, because confrontation can be a destructive energy, though it has some positive outcomes, but it's layered in emotions. So when you decide you're going to engage in conflict without having an anchor of concise points readily available to you because you've rehearsed them, I think this is we need. We are amplifying it because when you get into an argument, those feelings of resentment and overwhelm and how you felt like a victim, and when you weren't resolving it, and then when you decide to engage in it, all that is right there to be lit, and then you're arguing, your voice is elevated and you're all over the place and we're losing sight of what it is that you're trying to confront. The real thing, the thing that probably has to deal with. Well, another person's rejecting me, yep, another person doesn't think I'm good enough. I've experienced this again. Here I am again. Why does this keep happening to me, whatever it may be?
Speaker 3:And so, layering on the reframe of the confrontation, you need to reframe why this conversation is going to amplify and edify you, because you're leaning into a difficult conversation.
Speaker 3:So keep it on task, keep it on topic, by allowing yourself to remind yourself ultimately why you're having this conversation to begin with.
Speaker 3:And ultimately, it comes down to you to understand enough for yourself in the face of power or some type of power that you have contorted for or shrink from because fear of what exactly? The very thing that you're trying to avoid, which is feeling rejected or feeling like I'm not good enough or here I am again, like this allows you to move through it, versus avoid it and stay small. And filling it up with a bunch of distractions and emotions can take you off course. So having a plan when you go in like anything like if you're on stage and you gotta recite some lines, having those lines readily available because of your reps allows you to stay in character right. It allows you to stay grounded in what you like, the potency of what you really want expressed, and it doesn't get lost in all the emotions that may come. Because you're emotional, you feel away about what it is that you're being. You're feeling away about what you're confronting.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you can access all of you when you have a plan. Right, you're not fumbling. I would say two other things about this. One, this is a skill set, so this is something to practice. If you don't have it down, that's okay. Right Like, if this doesn't come naturally natural to you, that's okay, it is a skill set. Another thing I'd say is that sometimes this is easier to do for certain people, like, for instance, for me. I have no problem resolving conflict for people that I don't necessarily, that I'm not connected to, right Like, no problem. Like we're resolving this now, but when it comes to the people that I love and care about, I really struggle in this area and those are the people I need to resolve the conflict with the most right, and for some people as vice versa. But either way, the goal is to understand that you know reframing what it looks like, having a plan, like there's a way to go about this Absolutely absolutely.
Speaker 3:We'll move to point number three. Use your senses to quickly relieve stress. Stay centered in a de-stressing situation by focusing and drawing upon your sensory toolbox sight, sound, touch, taste and smell. This will allow you to remain relaxed and in control of yourself during tense moments. If you're a visual person, for example, you can relieve stress by closing your eyes and imagining soothing images. If you're confronted by, if you're comforted by, smells, you can keep essential oil on hand and take a quick whiff before feeling anxious.
Speaker 3:I've never even. I've never this is new for me I've never even thought about using or consciously engaging in sensory control or being able to feel soothed by what it is that soothes you. So this is. I don't have a lot to add here because I've never thought about it this way. I know before, during difficult conversations, there are times where I've intentionally meditated or I tried to get my mind in a space that was felt less impacted by the emotions of what I'm feeling, the emotions specifically that are deconstructive, like resentment and anger and all those other feelings, that where you feel like someone's trying to take your power away, so, and you feel away about that. But this is anyway. This is something to add to the toolbox.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. The first time I heard about this was actually in a therapy session where they were talking about almost like grounding yourself. Yeah, that when you get into an intense situation, right when there is conflict and you gotta go resolve it, sometimes it can feel like going to war or sometimes it can feel like, oh you know, and so your nervous system starts to take over into that fight or flight mode and in grounding it in okay, let's simmer down, dumpling. How do we bring it back? We're not going there. You're not in danger. As a matter of fact, as you move through this, you're gonna get into a more freeing space. Listen to the sound of my voice. Right, it's just a way, because the mind is so powerful, ultimate simulator. So using these things help ground us and keep us on task Number four recognize and manage your feelings. Now, recognize and manage right, so it's not like dismiss, it's recognize and manage.
Speaker 1:Being aware of how your emotions impact you can help you gain a greater understanding of yourself and others. Before confronting someone, try examining and questioning your feelings. Instead of trying to sedate emotions like anger, sadness or fear, which most of us do, try looking at them through the lens of self-compassion. So stop judging yourself for having feelings. Allow yourself to see negative thoughts with empathy. I think this is really important because oftentimes especially and I would say this is time sensitive. So the longer you allow a conflict to exist, the tougher it gets for it, the tougher it is for you to get to a space where you can manage the emotions, because so many emotions have welled up and so because now everything that the person does because you're not resolving the conflict bothers you, irritates you, puts a strain on you. The way they eat chips you're like man. You eat chips like a jerk. It's like what else was supposed to eat chips? Right, every, because it just piles on.
Speaker 3:Especially if that person like, sexually frustrates you and you're like, damn, I'm trying to resolve that conflict, but we can't really resolve the conflict. What is that?
Speaker 1:What is sexual frustration? That eating chips has to do with each other.
Speaker 3:No, what I'm saying is that might be the thing, but you're focused on all the other things that annoy you, so it looks like.
Speaker 1:Oh, the tension. I've seen that, I've seen that. See what advice are you giving to those who are sexually frustrated by it.
Speaker 3:Go resolve the conflict. It's your answer.
Speaker 1:I hate you. Oh my God, ok, the love coats, the life coats the coats, coats, I got range, got range.
Speaker 3:Shoot or shoot, no matter what Shoot shoot, shoot, go, go, go, go figure that out. Go figure it out, Because it looks like oh, why are you so aggressive, why are you so tense? Why you always got something to say that, that, that, that, that and all along all along, all along. They're trying to have you reframe their guts over.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, I can't.
Speaker 3:Anyway. I thought a little comic relief was necessary. This is kind of heavy topic.
Speaker 1:I'm so done with you. Also speaking of recognizing, managing your feelings, as we're on that, not. So I want to make this clear. Let's say that you don't want to manage your feelings and resolve the conflict and you think just leaving the relationship or leaving the job is going to relieve you know what's happening in your life.
Speaker 1:No, that conflict has nothing to do with a specific position per se or a specific person. You're going to find the conflict again because there's something inside of you that has created this life recipe to get to that space and place. It is not the person or the situation per se all the time, but an opportunity for you to grow. And when you resolve the conflict, you're going to grow in a way that typically you won't you. If that type of conflict comes up again, you'll be able to navigate it better, right, you'll be able to have the conversation sooner, or you just won't be in a space where that same conflict comes up. So I would just say, like, if you don't recognize your feelings, that they're normal, because they are, and then do so to manage them so you can resolve the conflict, you think running away is going to be the thing. No, you're just going to. You're going to. This test is going to come up again. You didn't pass the test. You didn't fail the test, it's just an incomplete.
Speaker 3:Yeah, no, that's real. That's real Number five, and it's our last point of the day resolve issues in real time.
Speaker 1:What does that mean? What does it mean in real time? I don't have like a, I don't have a grace period. I know A late period.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you know clearly, clearly clearly, the point here is to move sooner than later. Yeah, so rather than endlessly ruminate and allow conflicts to fester in your head, try taking a more assertive approach. You can start by stating the issue non-emotionally and using fact-based sentences. Like it appears, I work very hard on this project, yet my name was left out of the presentation. That would probably mean that Avoid being accusatory or defensive when approaching the coworker who took all the credit for your work. Instead, say I'd appreciate it if, going forward, we both use our names on the project and include each other on emails to our supervisors.
Speaker 1:No, I'm like can I talk to you at the lunchroom?
Speaker 3:Yeah, you want to take the credit. We'll do this, and that's where life coaches, executive coaches, therapists, counselors this is the reason why we have jobs the skill to build resilience, to speak up immediately because you have some reps here around resolving how you want to feel about what you're experiencing, regardless if that person receives you or rejects you, is what creates great people Absolutely, and they're going to that now because when you go to resolve conflict really quick, there's a lot of names for this. Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Right Difficult, absolutely.
Speaker 3:Angry, you can get gaslit in the moment, oh I didn't get that.
Speaker 2:Oh, your trip, you always do that yeah.
Speaker 3:Always think that and regardless, regardless, your role for you is to resolve your issue internally. This is about boom, got a feeling. Let me work through it. What's going on? Let me seek clarity by asking some questions about how this made me feel to the point of the article Fact base. But I'm going to do myself more anabolic. I'm going to be more anabolic or I'm going to be able to access my more, my anabolic energy more of the time If I don't sit and ruminate and start overthinking what it is that I've been impacted by and then I just don't say anything.
Speaker 3:Man, so you spent so much time toiling and losing sleep and thinking about it and dreaming about it and all it took, which is always the simple thing. But the simple thing does not mean it is easy. No, but the sooner you can get to a space that this is constructive work for you to speak up and talk about what's going on, the more, the more you're able to develop a skill set that will resolve your issues within yourself so you can live a more free life and not always be at war inside. You know what anxiety is. It is having this image that things shouldn't bother you or that's not affecting you and all the time the other party, you inside, is like motherfucker. You know that ain't cool with you, right, right, right. But for who are you trying to make it cool? For other people.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 3:So there's an anxiousness about how you got to show up, because you think someone thinks something about you, so you got to continue to promote the thing that they think about you. So you don't give them a window inside of your vulnerable heart because you think that is weak.
Speaker 1:Yep, that don't faze me, that don't faze me, stop it.
Speaker 1:You know, let me give you a small example of this. One of my good friends has been my barber since high school, you know, and this is a small example, but it's all the same Right, and if y'all don't know much about certain barber shops it can be a little tough. You could setting an appointment what is that? And I found myself like I was setting an appointment with him, he'd be an hour late, hour, 15 minutes late, I mean, and this is going on for years and I'm like you got to stop. And then I grind on him, he'd be 15, 20 minutes late.
Speaker 1:But this thing that happened once a week was becoming something that brought me great anxiety. Like am I going to have to move, like my appointments, an hour this way, an hour that way, to compensate for his inability to show up? And then I realized something. It was actually around the toxic environment episode that we did and I realized that he's not toxic, that there's a conflict here, but I'm the toxic one, I'm the one enabling this behavior because at the end of the day, I don't want to do the work, to go find someone else to give the service. And so, literally, we have the conversation. I realized he's not going to change. And now I have a barber in the same shop, just as capable, and there's not an issue Like when I say I'm going to be there at 9 30, he's at 9 30 and we respect it.
Speaker 1:Now I know that may seem simple, but I feel like, if you want to be great, practice with something small, like there's a conflict in everybody's life right now that they're avoiding Use this process right here. Go handle the conflict and see how you have a space, how you have more energy for all the other things in your life that are super important. You're being drained right now, unbeknownst to you, because you're being pulled by conflict you will not resolve and you think that shrinking and contorting and avoiding is helping you. It's not. It's just putting you in a space where you can survive the situation Absolutely, no matter how big or small. Absolutely.
Speaker 3:Absolutely. Your example is so powerful because it is simple. I mean, some people won't even do that. Yeah, they won't even hold their hairdresser accountable.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:No one. They get not charged, no right.
Speaker 1:For half the value.
Speaker 3:Our whole day is. Their whole day has been shifted because they won't give their their person that they've been in relationship with from a hairdressing standpoint. We even got to your job. No, no, no, no, no, no, I'm talking about the person that does your hair on a weekly basis.
Speaker 1:But who gets to smoke? Who gets the actual smoke, though? Who gets to hear about it? Right, who? Because you're not addressing them. But when you come home, you're pissed off at the kids, you're pissed off at your partner. Everybody else gets it. They were late again. They're overcharging me. Susan that just opened a shop which has better, you know, ambience would charge me 25 percent less, but this is my friend. I've been going with them for 10 years Now. It's everybody's problem, because you won't have a conversation.
Speaker 3:Yeah, because we think that if I address people, that if I address people directly and it's something that they may not want to hear, they will discard me.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 3:Like. What's really going on is we're afraid of being rejected. Why would I resolve relationships in my life that are that need conflict, that need it. You need the smoke, sometimes Unbeknownst to you, because the fire is what destroys, but fire also allows things to be rebuilt, be refined, purified. Purified, and without it, your relationships are hella, vanilla, and contractual Intimacy depletes, and being able to access a level of depth to anchor you into a space that is supportive, inclusive and inspiring and ultimately, authentic.
Speaker 2:Yeah, thank you, because that's what that's what?
Speaker 3:Well, keep avoiding those difficult conversations, people, absolutely, and live a very shallow life. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. You're worth a difficult conversation to allow someone to make a decision about if they want to continue to receive you or not, because there's someone out there that will receive you just where you are, absolutely. And we're holding on to spaces that we've outgrown, we're holding on to places that are shrinking us. For the sake of what, I don't want to be rejected. Yeah, you're worth the revolution, you're worth being able to get out there and find your people, but, again, some people won't even have the conversation with their barber.
Speaker 1:And we talk about this, we talk about this idea that sounds so cool. We should be always changing and evolving and being innovative. We talk about the end result. Yeah, but how do you think you get there? Absolutely, there is something that is keeping you right where you are. Yeah, and it is always in relationship, no matter what type of relationship that is. So you can evolve. You can't innovate, you can't grow, you can't have a growth mindset if you're going to hold on to old things in old ways. So it works.
Speaker 3:Can I share an example about this? Absolutely, man. There was a time not too long ago there was some conflict in my life that I was not resolving. I was avoiding and I would take it out on my guy when I come visit him Through the podcast I might be in Seattle doing something.
Speaker 1:Oh, I didn't know you were going there.
Speaker 3:And I would take it out on you and it would come up with these microaggressions, these little slide comments. It had nothing to do with you. It had everything to do with the person or the people or whatever it is that I'm not resolving and I'm taking it out on everybody else Because having a direct conversation is frightening and you think about just one relationship Later on. You're avoiding behavior at work, you're avoiding behavior in your friendships, you're avoiding behavior with your children, your spouse, because you're trying so desperately to hang on to reception, which is this illusion that you're connected just because you are being received for someone you are not. Speak your truth and, my guy, I mean you can tell your side of it, because I think it's also important.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I created conflict with you that had to do with something else, and so now you finish this part.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, so I mean so it's some comp. I mean this, and this was over a few days.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because you got you know when, when, when, when Joshua comes up to do business in Seattle, most of the time he stays with me. You know, you're between me and you say a couple, but I'm like, hey, we got the podcast where friends, we like, we enjoy each other's company. We actually guys when you guys hear this curriculum, we're practicing this all week, speaking all day long in real time, all day long. We talk to each other at least two or three times a day. It's that. And what was crazy about it?
Speaker 1:Remember, I said earlier in the podcast that when it comes to resolving conflict with people I care about, that is tough for me. So, literally, I'm seeing this like I don't really like this smoke isn't about me. I understand that philosophically, my head understood that. But you know, again, if I'm being honest and being vulnerable, I was hurt by it. I'm like man, I'm hurt.
Speaker 1:So, instead of just having the conversation right in real time saying, hey, I don't know what's going on, but this is how I'm impacted and let's stop. Right, it was, let me just like, throw a little, like, let me give him clues, let me, let me shrink, let me contort, let me give a space to throw a fit and ultimately, when it came down to bringing it up, I was even scared that I was going to lose the relationship with you because I'm like this is a conflict that has now impacted me. I need to have a tough conversation with somebody I care about, and there's other layers to this. You know, we, we, we work with each other, we partner on things, and I don't know if he sees this and I found myself shrinking and I muscled through it. But it was interesting because you actually well, here's so funny Joshua, in real time, is coaching me in the conversation on how to address him, cause he's tripping like no no.
Speaker 1:I'm like man and I'm and I remember this line. I said it will always stick with me, cause I know what I meant, but I know what you meant. I said I'm saying all this and I'm scared because I don't want things to change. And Joshua, frustrated and still still being able to access some higher energy, he's like no, you do want things to change. It was a double meaning. I'm saying I don't want the relationship to change, but actually I did want the relationship change. What I was really saying I don't want to be rejected, I don't want it to end. What you were saying is you wanted to evolve.
Speaker 1:But what's crazy about is, after we got through that conversation you know, baby, I mean we were probably on the phone for 45 minutes the next few days after it took the relationship to another level, absolutely Right, and I was putting in boundaries in place before I even had to say anything. Like man, I'm not going to go this way, I'm not going to move that way. I know that impacts you and as I get above it, I realize it had nothing to do with you. But if we didn't have that conversation, if we allow that to go past a few days, it could have been problematic. Yeah, who knows if we would be having this podcast? Yeah, you know. So that's it. But it's important for us to give our own personal examples so people know we are not above the curriculum, we're practicing it. That's the different, absolutely.
Speaker 3:Absolutely, absolutely, um man, once you tell our community how they can support it.
Speaker 1:We have not heard from you all for a while about what you want to hear. Okay, we would like to hear what you want to hear out. We want to make sure that we're continuing to serve, serve, serve you. Okay. We're not going back to Joshua's strip joint stories. We want to serve you, okay.
Speaker 3:And one of the judgment about not at all.
Speaker 1:If you want to start your 40 year old plus strip joint for men, I'm all about it.
Speaker 3:I'm supportive for you Okay.
Speaker 1:So, um, but we do get feedback from time to time, and it's super cool, joshua, oh, oh, feel me in sometimes, where people will listen to an episode because it's not like everybody's listening at the same time and they'll say, hey, this hit for me, it may be episode 17. So then we go back and listen to it, but tell us what you want to hear, download and share, and I know that there's something specific in each episode that you could, you know, personally. Ask them, hey, listen to this, even if you're like hey, just go to a point five minute and 43 seconds, listen to this and let me know what you think. This podcast is an awesome tool to help you not only develop yourself, but develop the people around you, and I would say, if you just took one thing, um, from what we've talked about today and actually applied it, it would definitely be life changing, um, but we appreciate our family, our community, we love you guys and we are here for you with the take it all podcast. That's that.
Speaker 3:That's that.
Speaker 1:That was. I mean we're here for it. I gotta be by the jail. You know it was jail.
Speaker 3:Joshua.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's a state of mind. Yeah, anything that causes what you don't remember the acronym oh judgment.
Speaker 3:Judgment, assumptions, interpretations and limiting beliefs. I know what you're talking about, bro. I don't know, we're going to take us back to the episode one.
Speaker 1:Here we go bro.
Speaker 3:I mean, hey, I love you and, uh, I love you too, bro. Yeah, you're, you're, uh, you're a safe space for someone to uh engage in resolving conflict. So the relationship continues to evolve and elevate. So I appreciate that about you, my guy.
Speaker 1:Hey, you know you're the same guy all the time, all the time. I appreciate it, man. Hey, take it off.
Speaker 3:Maybe that's the name of my strip club.
Speaker 1:I'm yeah, I appreciate that Louisiana.
