Take it off! See. Love. Grow.
An unfulfilled life has less to do with what it is - and more with how you see it. Your fulfillment is often on the other side of a tough decision or conversation. It is in the resolving of conflict and the releasing of self-judgment that we grow the most. So, if you feel stuck in your career, relationships, or how you think about yourself, it’s time to “TAKE IT OFF” and show up as your authentic self. Joshua A. Fields and Jeremy Rubin co-host the “Take it Off” Podcast. As a master practitioner of the Energy Leadership Index with 15 years of executive leadership experience at a Fortune 10 company, Certified Executive Coach Joshua Fields has a proven track record of creating high-performing teams and environments for personal transformation. Renowned author, speaker, and founder of FACE Consulting, Jeremy Rubin, immediately impacts groups large and small using humor, personal stories, and practical, result-driven applications. These two have brought unique life experiences, skill sets, and energy to create an experience like no other. The mission is simple but not easy. It is to empower people with the skills to see and accept themselves and others clearly and without judgment to live a more authentic life. So, if you’re ready to live with purpose and curiosity and to get clear on what you want for your life, join us weekly at the “Take it Off” Podcast. Some concepts are based on and inspired by the coach training program Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching (iPEC).
Take it off! See. Love. Grow.
Is Toxic Masculinity Hurting Your Relationship?: A Journey towards Empathy & Growth
What if the very essence of masculinity, as we've been taught to understand it, is toxic? Is it possible that societal norms planted during our formative years may have rendered us emotionally repressed, aggressive, and avoidant of vulnerability?
We'll be dissecting how toxic masculinity seeps into our communication, perpetuating social isolation and mental health issues. We'll expose the societal pressures that suppress emotions and, at times, provoke violent behavior. Through empathy, emotional intelligence, and respect for others, we'll be proposing a healthier and more fulfilling way to express masculinity. We'll also discuss how toxic masculinity can affect physical intimacy, leading to a suppression of emotions and sometimes violent behavior.
The conversation then shifts to vulnerability in relationships - we'll explore the dangerous repercussions of suppressing our emotions due to societal pressures. We're advocating for radical honesty with self and personal growth, creating a safe harbor for vulnerability in relationships. So join us in this essential conversation as we unravel and challenge the hold toxic masculinity has on our society.
Resource: 3 Ways Toxic Masculinity Could Be Hurting Your Relationship — The Center for Modern Relationships
Find us on our online platforms:
Co-Host: Joshua Fields ACC, CPC, & Master ELI Practitioner
Website: https://joshuafields.coach/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/joshuaafields?igshid=NDc0ODY0MjQ=
Email List: https://archive.aweber.com/newsletter/awlist6189433
Co-Host: Jeremy Rubin, Keynote Speaker, Author, Consultant, Sales Leader
Website: http://faceconsultinggroup.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/ajeremyrubinstory?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
Welcome to the Take it All podcast, where we see love grow. I am your co-host, jeremy Rubin, here herding on an all-nighter rolling into episode 34, okay, entitled Is Toxic Masculinity Hurting your Relationship? I'm here with my guy, joshua Fields. Joshua, can you say hello to our family friends.
Speaker 2:Before anything came between us. You were like my best friend, the one I used to run and talk to with me and my girl was having problems, you used to say it'll be okay, suggest little nice things I should do.
Speaker 1:And when I go, I'm literally drinking a coke.
Speaker 2:I don't want to think about it. You make me wanna. I don't even. Is Usher out here acting up in Vegas? Is he at the height of toxic masculinity.
Speaker 1:I'm not gonna speak on other men and what they're doing, okay.
Speaker 2:Okay, this is a concern in the community about how what. Usher's doing what Usher's doing. This is real shit. This is a concern. He's out there skating bro, he's literally yeah, he might be causing some folks to fall On their skates, bro man, I don't know Again. I'm, anyway. That's the lifestyle of an R&B singer. This is why I'll praise to one of the goats. Man Usher's out here just with his words and how he says them is causing great grief?
Speaker 1:What, obviously, I'm not even. What do you say?
Speaker 2:He's not what he's saying. He's what he's saying. He's what he's doing. It's how he's making these young ladies feel in his presence. Oh, it's alarming and it's causing a great concern for these insecure men, if you will, about what their ladies are entertaining in the presence of a god, of a pharaoh, if you will.
Speaker 1:Here's the deal. Okay, yeah, yeah, if it ain't, I should have someone else. Okay, ooh, I mean it's whatever, like, at least be somebody that I don't know, like Usher, right, like somebody that's a little unattainable. Yeah, my wife was telling me.
Speaker 2:So this is funny. This is actually a funny story. She goes to pick up Tyson and Tyson's at a basketball camp.
Speaker 1:I'm not getting to all the names and the heat that he was at and all that.
Speaker 2:There, you go. But this individual is a high profile athlete in the community and, according to the story I got, there was some energy there.
Speaker 2:He was popping a hammer, he was shooting a shot, low key. He told you what it is, bro, and you know I had to, like, whoa, wait a minute, what's that? Because a few weeks ago I told her I mean, maybe, I think it was. After that At some point I told her, I said, you know what, I don't really get jealous vibes. You know, you don't ever put me in a position to be jealous of you. And I was telling her, like you know, sometimes I, like you know, I think guys need that because there's a part a little bit of like competitiveness that comes out from that. So you opened the door for the smoke. I did open the door for the smoke, and the smoke is here and it came through and I'm like, oh, this is the dude that I got to be with you know.
Speaker 1:First of all, fam, I know who we're talking about.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's like he might just go ahead and commend you the whole fam, just be like, hey, you can sleep in the garage one night a week, when women are ready to put you in a position to feel a little bit of like.
Speaker 1:oh, this guy. Yeah, she's like okay, do you see the caliber?
Speaker 2:Yeah, we're going for home runs. We don't. Yeah, the layups aren't we go for home runs, we're hitting it on the point.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, she didn't get like extra guac at Chipotle for free.
Speaker 2:She got attention from from a motherfucker. That's what you get.
Speaker 1:That's what you get. Ask him for that kind of smoke. I'm bored. Let me just open up the door. I'm bored, I'm bored.
Speaker 2:Make me, make me jealous, sweetie. You make me want to leave the one I went and start a new relationship to. Okay, speaking of toxic masculinity, all right.
Speaker 1:Let's talk about it. Yeah, we're not, because we're not going to do is get again. I just want to be on record again. If they come after us for your singing, you're paying all the fines.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm paying nothing yeah, okay yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, audience I wish, I wish we would blow up off of some controversy. That's what. That's. Low key, my, my kind of my low key desire for Beyonce. It's like what he's been singing, you know, love on top. He's been singing all Jesus, yeah, Just all these songs. I just I don't know why that came up. That's maybe somebody I want to get into and entangle me.
Speaker 1:I don't know what we're talking about. You be so mad at Beyonce. It was like, yeah, I don't know what he's doing with the singing, but that guy right there, he's on tour with me now. I was so drop you.
Speaker 2:Hey, all of it will be great publicity for the podcast, bro. There's no bad publicity when it comes to podcasting, bro.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm not messing, we're actually not, we're actually not controversial enough.
Speaker 2:We need some shit that's going to make people be like scratching their head. Yeah, but I don't hold on hold. On hold on the whole conversation we had before we hit the record no don't even, don't even See.
Speaker 1:See, that's the shit people want to hear. That's what they want to hear. It gets them motivated. It gets the people going.
Speaker 2:It gets the people going no we're not doing that, all right, and I don't believe in just being controversial or to be controversial? Yeah, we're not. We're doing it for attention.
Speaker 1:We're not going to be sharing just between me and you. Okay, I'll, I'll wish you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I wish we don't have to take it all off. We don't have to take it all off.
Speaker 1:No, that's what you're trying to do. Okay, getting to the show. Okay, we're on episode 34. Who was a great number 34?
Speaker 2:Is he? Isn't Yannis 34?
Speaker 1:Yannis, I mean. I mean I've averaged from the bucks, I don't know no no, don't Google it. If you got to Google it, he's not a great 34. I mean, he probably is, but the fact that we don't know is a problem.
Speaker 2:But anyway, like I said we're in an episode 34, he's 34.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I got that Episode 34 is entitled is toxic masculinity hurting your relationship? And we are going to lean on our article Charles Barkley. Charles Barkley was 34 anyway, we should talk to O'Neill.
Speaker 2:Yeah, see there we go See it. Now it's coming to us.
Speaker 1:Can I get through the paragraph?
Speaker 2:My bad, my bad, my bad, bro, my bad.
Speaker 1:We're going to take an article from the center of modern relationships entitled three ways toxic masculinity could be hurting your relationship. Let's talk about it. The article reads toxic masculinity is a term to describe dominant and stereotypical gender roles that are often culturally assigned to men, that promote aggressive behavior, avoidance of vulnerability and emotion, and may include a dominant presence and or personality. So toxic masculinity is a systematic and cultural norm that is taught to boys in their childhood and adolescence by their parents, teachers, peers and society as a whole. They are given the message boys don't cry, Boys will be boys and that if they're vulnerable, that emotions are seen as weak or feminine. When we teach boys not to process their emotions and give them this message that vulnerability is weakness, then the only difficult emotion that is socially acceptable is anger, says Dr Sue Johnson. So the article goes into a lot of things, but I think that this is a great starting point. What's a huge issue about this? Like do you have any toxic masculinity that you do? You have to actively work out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, I think I was, I was, my father was, you know, let me, let me think about how. I want to say this. I think that a lot of what what has been passed down from generation to generation is these signs of strength, and what we identify as strength is not crying, not being vulnerable, being able to hold your emotions in, and then, on the other side of that, it causes this hypercompetitiveness and there's this self-isolation that comes from being able to just hold your own in the face of adversity or the face of people that want to see you break down, and so you do that outside of their view. And so I brought my dad up as an example, because he was a street guy. So that was the breeding ground, for, yeah, you're not going to show other street guys, you're weak by crying, and you know snibbling and you know power, you know all the things that might come up as being emotional in the face of danger. You might. You know it's a life or death decision. And so he carried a lot of that energy, even when he got saved and got into church, and so he was raising someone that was not born in the street.
Speaker 2:I was a church kid, and so not that to say all church boys are like me. But it put us at odds a lot because I was softer, I knew how to communicate, I would talk about how I felt, and then there was one day, him and I got into it. I was older and you know he walked up on me, raised his voice, like you know, like, like what you want to do, like that energy, yeah, and you know, my brother and I similar, because my brother was raised similarly by my dad, and so what what came up for me is I felt very threatened, I didn't feel safe, so I, I just took, I just took down. So I guess my dad I'm not, what am I? I'm quite my dad for what? What are we talking about? But I know that that's out there. But I felt I did feel like I did feel like a bitch, like that's the feeling like I'm not even a sugarcoat, that I felt very small in the moment when there was this, this threat to like you need to be more like this Right Versus how you are, and so it was like a moment where I didn't feel good enough to even be a man.
Speaker 2:I think it goes back to this story that we always talk about on our podcast specifically which are you a man or a mouse, right? And so I always looked at a man as having these and we'll get into it these toxic masculine traits. Before I had the language for what toxic masculinity was, I knew that I didn't fully align with that. I've tried to make peace with, like that's okay, that's okay for me not to exhibit those traits, because what I did look at the things that were working for me and how, in terms of being emotionally intelligent and being able to communicate and hold space for people, even what I do now for for people is give them the space to just feel their feelings without them being interpreted as negative or weak.
Speaker 2:And so, anyway, I've always wrestled with who am I in the midst of my own masculine journey, given these extremes that I grew up with. What we've encountered in society with, with social media or the media, tells us about what it means to be a man, and and that's a struggle, it's a struggle. It's still a struggle. Even as confident and settled in to my masculinity as I am now, it still comes with a little bit of like judgment Am I doing it good enough, if that makes sense?
Speaker 1:Oh, it makes perfect sense. I mean, I'm, you know, my brother and I. We have some friends that are in town from California, from Oregon. We've been, we've been, we've been running, ripping and running for the last this is going on four days and we had this crazy conversation, great conversation. We were able to hold space for a lot of these men.
Speaker 1:Now, these are what people would define, as you know, high value men. You know, however you want to look at it, certain. You know level of education, certain level of income, certain level of professional career. You know all degrees right, and they're doing it, they're all doing it.
Speaker 1:And what was interesting, we were having this conversation around Can you talk to your significant other, your partner, your woman, about feeling weak or feeling like you're not measuring up or being vulnerable? And it was a unanimous thing that you do not do that that the greatest way to lose respect from your partner is to admit your shortcomings, is to admit you don't always have it figured out, because the role of a man is to do two things to one protect, to to provide, and that when that security is at all threatened, that you actually threaten the relationship. So you have to keep the mask up. You got to keep the wall up and it was interesting, as I'm talking to some of these guys, how lonely the walk is and knowing exactly how that feels and that this thing that we call toxic masculinity for them was something, an armor that they had to put on to maintain their position that if I don't present this way, that somehow I'm not going to be accepted or be respected by the people that I love the most. So when we look at this idea of toxic masculinity, I just want people to understand that we're all part of the problem. We're saying this is a problem. We're all part of the problem, so we need to be a part of the solution.
Speaker 1:Like, don't say, well, I don't want you to be toxic in this area, but then when someone shows up vulnerable or shows up with, hey, this is what I'm thinking, or this is how I'm feeling, or I'm not, I need reassurance Then don't punish them on it. On the other side, like, yeah, that's just not, you're not being the man, so I know exactly what you're talking about. Like I said, we had a great conversation and all of these guys were experiencing the same thing. They learned that you don't do that. That's the greatest way to kill a relationship, and I'm actually you know we haven't talked yet about that piece. We typically talk about that but how do you feel about that, especially being a coach and especially being somebody who encourages living your authentic self and being vulnerable and having these tough conversations Like do you see truth to what they're saying or is it just the perception thing that we're just living out?
Speaker 2:No, I think it's real, I think it's. I think it's. And what are you talking about specifically?
Speaker 1:Just, they literally believe, like, literally believe, that if they put down some of the things that people would call toxic masculinity, they start being vulnerable, share their fears, share their concerns, ask for reassurance, share their emotions, that it's going to be the end of the like. The respect for their partner is not going to go up, it's going to go down. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good, call out.
Speaker 2:So there's, there's. There's a few things that come up when I think about toxic masculinity specifically, like you mentioned suppression of emotions, quick to be aggressive or violent, whatever that might mean in terms of because even see, this shit even shows up in relationship with each other as men. Right, this hyper competitive culture, even being homophobic and misogynistic, you know, these are all like elements and traits of it. And and then we avoid being vulnerable. You know fear of being stigmatized for being effeminate, or you know whatever girlie means. And then we, and then there's this whole which I think really destroys our mental health is this journey around social isolation, because, as we feel this pressure to be self reliant, so we avoid seeking help or therapy. And so when we're isolated socially, it causes a real difficulty to be able to access those emotions. So kudos to you to be even be able to bring up a conversation like that with a bunch of men. I don't know if we would define them as toxic, you know toxic masculine men, but the conversation with men needs to be had anyway, with men about how to, how to experience a healthy masculinity. That involves construct these constructive straights, traits like empathy, like emotional intelligence and having respect for others, especially women, and so what comes up in my coaching conversations is avoidant behavior is a level one energy. You're feeling like a victim. So if you have a partner that's tolerating, or you're in a relationship that that encourages you to suppress your emotions and you avoid your emotions by not engaging in them, well that's a draining energy that will lead you to self isolation, that will lead you away to feel like you have to be self reliant and only depend on you. And we can look at the data man killed themselves more than our women counterparts. Well, why? Well, yeah, there's a number of reasons why, but we know when you're feeling like you can't express yourself and then you isolate yourself and you move yourself away from community, which is how humans are designed. Women are much better at being able to emote and express themselves and then as I'm speaking in real generalities here in ways that men only wish they could, and so even the space that I hold with you, jacob, my guy Tyler, my guy Elle, like all my guys, like we're able to be fully expressed in a way that helps us anabolically, because that's our win. We've determined that healthy masculinity is gonna look like this for our survival, so we can thrive.
Speaker 2:But this approach, where I have to avoid my emotions, I can't engage. Well, that energy is gonna drain you and ultimately it's called toxic for a reason. It will destroy you. And so I encourage my clients, my people, whoever's around me yeah, find out who you can be fully expressed around, male or female, whatever that looks like, however you identify. Find your community.
Speaker 2:That does not change, because what you're gonna experience is you're gonna be trapped with a bunch of emotions that lock you up and make you feel tied to a version of you that you're not even aligned with. See, a lot of guys aren't even aligned with being toxic, but it gets promoted. They've slept with a few chicks being toxic. They've been the bad guy. So then oh, this must be. Oh, I got another gold star. That must mean what they like, right.
Speaker 2:But if we evolve above that, the high value man, rick, realizes that his value is fully expressed. It's not hindered, it's not avoided, right, it's not a way to carry that you don't feel like. Oh man, they're gonna judge me. This woman is gonna judge me for being toxic. This woman is gonna judge me for being who I am. So I won't be who I am, so let me give her a version of me, so I can sleep with her. Sometimes you might even you marry her, you have kids with her. All in this performance and you're struggling inside and ultimately, we can look at the data. That does not help us, that does not help our long-term goal of being fully expressed, healthy and living a life that is fulfilled and one that we can look back on and say that we've lived. We've lived as us, not as what others want us to be, but it's a journey, absolutely absolutely no, that's good.
Speaker 1:Why don't you get us into point one?
Speaker 2:Well, I just made my point.
Speaker 1:Not your point. What does the article have to say?
Speaker 2:We wanna listen to what the doctors are saying. See, I'm connected to the source, so I just pulled that.
Speaker 1:Oh, now you sound like somebody I know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I just pulled that out the sky anyway. But as it relates to how toxic masculinity can get in our way in relationship, the article says communication, especially during an argument, effective communication between couples requires active listening, expressing understanding, providing empathy and learning the skills to articulate how you feel. Learning the skills to articulate how you feel. Most of us aren't taught these skills from our parents or society. Right, and the doctor that's speaking about this references heterosexual couples.
Speaker 2:I notice it can be difficult for some men to identify that their partner is what their partner is feeling, and ask about feelings as opposed to become defensive or angry. Right, we make it about us. You're saying something, you're expressing yourself, and all I'm doing my wife and I go do this, all I'm doing is looking for oh, that's about me. There's something that they're saying. That's about me. No, no, no, no, no. If I'm expressing myself, we have to make room for my feelings so they can be expressed. Cause, unexpressed feelings create this war, this catabolic energy within yourself that only destroys the person holding that fire. So, on the other hand, a man can have his feelings that are hurt by something that happened, and may struggle to express himself without coming across as angry, aggressive or avoided. By not teaching young men or boys or men how to communicate when they're hurt or upset, we are hurting them in their communication and they fail to be able to deeply connect in intimate relationships. I think about my little guy, and my whole reason for being the dad that I want to be with him is so that he he develops the skills to be able to communicate effectively how he feels as a man, regardless if he's feeling sad he wants to cry, like whatever it looks like. Be okay with what that looks like and then use that as motivation to be able to construct a world where you feel even more. You feel even more connected to who you get to be in the community that you choose, if people cannot find you, and that comes through being able to communicate effectively, being able to be fully expressed in your authentic relationships. Those are the relationships that you want to be amplified by.
Speaker 2:We talk about this all the time. Find the people that you can be fully expressed with, so you don't have to do a bunch of contouring, shape-shifting and act-drinking and acting. Actually, even you say that a lot of these toxic male traits that show up in relationship is an act. Absolutely, it's not who they are, but we'll make their. Oh, you just yelled at me and I'm not gonna get into domestic violence and all that, right, but even that I really believe, I really believe isn't the first choice that men want to make. It's to do harm, physical harm, to their partner.
Speaker 2:But is this lack of skill around being able to communicate what's on their mind and heart, for fear of judgment, that they'll be what rejected, being made to feel like a quote unquote bitch when they're hurting and all they know how to do is well, you're not gonna see me hurt. What you're gonna see me is me hurt you because I lack the depth to be able to access how I can articulate how I'm feeling. So we can work through this in a constructive way and it just it really gets in the way of being able to hold real authentic space where you are for yourself, let alone being able to do that for others. So, anyway, that's what comes up for me when I read through these points from the doc.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think that we gotta just spend more time letting people be who they are. I've had to do it with my boys where it's like, okay, not gonna be helicopter dad with everything, and slowly allowing them to experience what they need to experience, with boundaries, of course, but just letting them be more of them, like, not just suppressing it because I'm afraid of what may happen or I feel like I'm not gonna be a good parent if I put them in a position where they're going to fail. Well, what if they're in a position where they're like we talk about learning to be more resilient, what if, like, how do we reframe some of these things so that we can get the experience that we need? To get to a space where we can experience a lot of emotions and there's a myriad of emotions but then, once we experience them, learn how to navigate those emotions. And if we don't have that practice, then where do we go?
Speaker 1:Point two, which I thought was an interesting fact but that toxic masculinity can actually impact intimacy, physical intimacy, negatively, because in the movies it's always the bad dude that always has the fire love scenes right, has always got the chicks hanging off of them, always got he's got something popping. It's that it's like, hey, we've even talked about on the podcast about having an element of fear or danger and how that that will spike someone's endorphins the female endorphins to be like oh wow, like this is exciting, I wanna be around this more of the time, right? So it's interesting that they're talking about this and the article says the same way. Society puts unrealistic expectations and pressure on women about their sexuality and libido. We also create a great deal of pressure on men. Men are often labeled as sex fiends or needing to have an insatiable sexual appetite, and it's connected to this toxic masculinity.
Speaker 1:And what's interesting about it is, they say, that the pressure of being, that of actual performing right, peak. Right, because we were talking about this competition thing right, you're always measuring up to the last person who their ex was right. But in having that and not just being able to be you and organically get there, it actually impacts what intimacy looks like between partners. So I just thought that that was interesting, that this is not just a mental and emotional thing, but actually our physical contact ends up being impacted if we are walking through this construct of what it means to be masculine and moving that toxic stuff around Like it. Just to me this was really interesting because I've always thought about it from the mental and emotional. I did not think about it for the physical standpoint.
Speaker 2:Do you have any examples to share with us around how toxic masculinity may have gotten in the way of physical intimacy?
Speaker 1:I mean, I don't have any examples. Should I have an example for the crowd?
Speaker 2:I was just curious if you could pull from personal experience. I don't know. I mean, that's what we do, we pull from personal experience, I absolutely hate.
Speaker 1:You have the time, I don't. Do you have an example, josh Ray? An example of what An example? Oh, you don't want to keep it a buck.
Speaker 2:Okay, I'll keep it a buck.
Speaker 1:No, you're not just going to throw that out there and say I don't want to keep it a buck. I was having some information?
Speaker 2:No, I think shit. A lot of my sexual education came from porn. Oh, that's what you said. Okay, and so I watched men that were like I think I was in my teenage years and you know, the squiggly lines on the TV. Where is this go? Where is this whole space with me? Real quick, the whole space. Yeah, I got you. I go down my journey, since no one wants to bring in there anyway. Did you say the squiggly lines? The squiggly lines on the TV? You remember Spice? It used to be a whole. It used to be a whole situation that used to come on like late, late at night, and if you stayed up late enough, the squiggly lines went away.
Speaker 1:What was the church boy doing up late at night?
Speaker 2:watching Spice through the squiggly line, oh talking about some shit and getting educated on some shit that I couldn't ask at church. Yeah, that's what the church boy was doing. I was getting my education it's your education from somewhere.
Speaker 1:If no one's going to ask you these questions, I'm going to go, yeah. I'm going to go find it.
Speaker 2:I was around when the internet first launched too, so you know there would be. You have your gamer magazine and then all of a sudden, you see a baddie on the back with the link. I'm like, oh, what's that about? Oh, you take that and you put that in there. Boom, oh shit. It's like a situation of recklessness.
Speaker 1:Think about what our kids have access to with these phones.
Speaker 2:Oh, it's not, it's ridiculous. It's ridiculous. This is from a magazine to go to a dial up computer to wait at my guys house for the images to low for us to be able to be like, oh, that's what happens, right, right, you know. And so anyway, my point on this is when you're bombarded again societal images that you're bombarded with about what it means to be a man, what it means to be able to perform in the bedroom, and it impacts a 13 year old, 14 year old mind like myself, fam I, I thought the size of a male's member was. I thought that that was ridiculous. I'm like I looked at my shit and I'm like, wait a minute, now, let me make this clear. I'm good. I'm good down here.
Speaker 2:I don't want, I don't want you to be more clear. I don't want to do it, you know in hindsight, I had to let myself fully develop so I could become fully expressed, if you will. But shit, there's some other fuckers walking around here with arms. I hate you so much.
Speaker 2:No, but seriously, I would look at that and be like defeated. I'm like they're professionals, bro Fam. But look, but what I'm saying is they're professionals, they're it's staged, it's it's it's supposed to make you do whatever it's supposed to make you do. But it made me insecure about what it meant to be a man. No, I get that. I'm already feeling like, oh, I'm not man enough now to please a woman. That makes you a man. How are you going to please her if you don't measure up to what these guys, these professionals?
Speaker 1:like literally don't measure up, right Right.
Speaker 2:Then you'd be hella research, like, okay, does Dick size matter? See, I can't keep it in bucks, y'all know what I'm talking about. Does that matter? And then you're looking like, oh, there's a size queen, she don't. They don't think it matters, but they do. And I'm like, well, fuck, how am I going to make this? You know what? Where do I sit in all this? And so I say all that to say again you guys notice, I lost my virginity when I was 28. And so I think that's great.
Speaker 1:bro, I still think you're a unicorn.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I got you, I got you bro.
Speaker 1:The last unicorn.
Speaker 2:I'm talking to all this right, with all this mental garbage, yeah, right, and I'll tell you, it's not that I didn't necessarily want to lose my virginity at 28. It was how insecure I was about what being rejected specifically by the opposite sex because of how I felt, about how I measured up, how I, how I postured my confidence level. I was overweight. I didn't this, I didn't that. I was like all this negative information hold me back in a cage fam. Yeah, it was only till I started to make some real tough decisions for me, where it made me even comfortable to even pop at somebody, bro. And so toxic male masculinity has real receipts in my life in terms of how it held me back on a standard that I didn't believe I measured up to.
Speaker 2:I continued to live a small contour life and I wasted a lot of time. Now, I went through it, you know whatever. However, a lot of time was wasted by me sub coming to something I didn't even know that was affecting me, which was this constant comparison, this hyper aggressiveness, suppression of emotions. I didn't talk to nobody about this shit. Yeah, I just dealt with it and lived it. And yeah, man, it's a, yeah, it's a thing.
Speaker 1:It's a thing, bro, for sure, and I think it's good to say, like, if your goal is to like, if you're like I don't want to experience more partners or I don't want to get out there, there's nothing wrong with that. But I think what you're saying is you actually wanted to get out there and do your thing, but the constructs, societal norms, like all of these things were feeding you so much information. That was saying like you're not good enough. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And then you add, in the judgment of the church culture, you shouldn't be doing it anyway. You need to wait till you're married. And then I'm like, okay, I'll just, I'll just, I'll attach to that because that makes me feel like I'm empowered. Right, oh, I'm a, I'm a virgin and I don't need to do that. That's wrong. Anyway, god doesn't, isn't going to bless that. And all the time underneath all that is like man, you get out here, family, like you might get embarrassed. You don't know what you're doing. You've already gone through so much in your life not experiencing this or that. They're going to judge you and they're going to make you feel this and they're going to make you feel that. And so I had so much weight I was carrying because I couldn't express that and process that with someone that wasn't attached to an outcome, cause, if I talk to my parents, the outcome was save yourself, because that's the right thing to do for God. Versus versus. Yeah, that's, that's a perspective to have. That's right, take a risk yeah.
Speaker 2:More unapologetically.
Speaker 1:Now you done got me access to some memories. So my mom was so interesting is. She tried to get in front of that very thing that you're talking about. And she, you know, because now we don't have these conversations. When I have a conversation about sex, we're not because you ain't supposed to be there anyway. You ain't supposed to be doing anyway. Like, don't be bringing no girls home, go get your education, the Holy Spirit will bring you a wife and then you, you know, we'll worry about. But she literally said, don't worry about getting your experience before you're married. Like, literally, the Holy Spirit is going to teach you. Like. Like basically trying to make me feel like you don't need to feel small because you don't have experience. Like, just preserve yourself. Right To a point where here's crazy, my high school sweetheart, I would make excuses for not being able to go do things Right.
Speaker 1:I would even hang out because my mom was just so against, like, if we were in public and I'm this is, this is at 18. If we're in public places, that's cool, whatever, but going out on dates she wasn't having it. So instead of just telling the truth and saying, hey, mom's is hovering, look, we got a. We got a couple of months until we're at Udub and then we can do whatever we want to do. I was like maintaining, like it was my idea, like I'm off of it, like like again playing that act, you know would say, yeah, let's go out there, let's go out there, and then just cancel at the last minute, like I had this you know wealth of bravado and literally just didn't want to tell her that moms is no joke, and you know I'm not in a position to be able to date without upsetting her, so I'm not going to take that smoke Right, all because I wanted to preserve looking like the man. And so, again, it's very interesting how this stuff shows up, no question, no question.
Speaker 2:Well, let's get into expressing vulnerability from the article and uh, and make some points here. So the article points out being able to express vulnerability in your romantic relationship is a key factor in building trust, maintaining security and feeling emotionally and physically connected. Vulnerability can show up in all types of ways in your relationship and often we don't see it as a missing piece after an argument or we, or when we feel, or when something is feeling off to take accountability for your actions and offer a genuine apologies extremely vulnerable because you have to admit to yourself and your partner I messed up or I hurt you. Vulnerability also plays a major role in connecting physically. If you see being vulnerable equated to being weak or something to stay away from, you may inadvertently be sabotaging your relationship.
Speaker 2:And one thing that comes to me when I think about this, when I'm with even with my clients, is we have to, or you need to, or it is to your benefit, to find a space to be radically honest about what you're doing and how you're behaving. Doesn't necessarily need to be for everybody public partner or your partner or whatever it is. You need to find a space where you can be radically honest with yourself about how you're moving, because until you're able to do that skillfully, you will struggle to show up in a whole vulnerable space with others, your friends. There's no way for you to be able to assess how you can improve if you're not radically honest about where you are. Yeah, like I use this analogy with my clients all the time If you're going to the gym to set a PR, you can't set the PR unless you know where you are, because then you're not going to be able to realize oh okay, this is where I started. Now I'm moving weight to be able to set a new record for myself, to be able to lift this weight.
Speaker 2:But if I never recognize or get clear on where my starting point is and having radical, honest conversations about where you are, how you're moving, what you're doing, and all that in a safe space, I'm telling you you're going to be moving through life with so many blind spots and have so many patterns that continue to repeat themselves that you're going to be lost. You're going to struggle to access the emotional intelligence to make more informed decisions about how to grow and move through your situation. You're going to constantly stay in this space. I can't see myself without judgment, so I can't access information about myself to move me through the love stage and the growing stage. Be radically honest about where you are for self so you can allow yourself to be able to show up for your partner in a way that's vulnerable and supportive.
Speaker 1:I'd also say this that if you're with somebody and you don't feel safe, being vulnerable and when I say safe I don't mean physically, but just safe Maybe I get made fun of, Maybe it falls on death ears, Maybe I lose respect. Whatever the case may be, Know that the relationship can work. The relationship can work, but you're going to have to shrink in order for that to happen. There are people that stay decades, their whole lives, in situations where they never honest about. Like I can't just tell you how I actually really feel without suffering a penalty. So guess what? I'm actually not. You're right, I have changed. I'm not who I was before. You're exactly right.
Speaker 1:I am not who I was before. So good, brother, so good. I am going to shrink and I'm going to grow backwards. I'm going to grow into the ground, as a matter of fact, because the moment I want what it takes for me to shine, you won't hold that space for me, so good. So in order for this relationship to work, I have to shrink, I have to be a different person. You're right, I'm not the same person, because you won't allow that person to show up, right? And so again, I will state you can make a relationship work without having someone to be vulnerable with, but you will not be yourself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's so good because those are all and without judging that that's the reality of so many people, Absolutely. That's the reality of so many people and so many relationships. How many dads did?
Speaker 1:you see, like you see your dad out in the streets with his boys and you're like this is dad, this is dad.
Speaker 2:Dad's actually funny, yeah, dad actually has a yeah, he's coming home and he's a different person.
Speaker 1:Right into that room. I'm one of them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm just like this is the norm and that's a choice. We really give you the power back. That's a choice, and people make those decisions all day, every day, about what they're shrinking for, what they're going to put in this box and make some. I'm going to make the best of this situation. Sometimes, even with your parents. It's like I'm going to give them a certain amount of time and I'm going to make some intentional decisions about shrinking here.
Speaker 2:But as we have these conversations, all these conversations we want our listeners to get from is how do we move from being on autopilot into being conscious decision makers that make choices of when we shrink, when we expand, what spaces give us more access to more of us more of the time, what spaces do not? Let me design my life in a way, because I still prioritize relationships. I just know some of my relationships won't be authentic all the time. Some of them may be contractual, some of them may be avoidant. But let me get really clear on where I'm going to give my energy and when I have to shrink, I'm making a conscious decision to do that. What I don't want it doesn't really matter what I want, what I would encourage us to think about as we're doing this work is being very clear on the life that you want to live and designing it in a way that amplifies you and that will come with making some decisions about.
Speaker 2:Yeah, these relationships are how I'm showing up. I don't like how I show up 30% of the time. I'm going to give them 10% less of my time so I can make some more choices about where that energy is now going to be reinvested, so I can get amplified and be more of me. Because I'm not strong enough to deal with speaking my full truth over here because I'm too afraid of the outcome that might happen if I show up fully expressed. So let me find a way to contour consciously, to reinvest that energy in another department and we make these decisions all the time. Do not let that get in the way of you on your journey of self love and self growth, because you are worth that Eat fighting. Add the incremental weight to your barbell and press that. We're not ready to do 225 yet, jeremy, because I know you struggle with lift at 225. We're not ready to struggle to do 225. Start out with 135. Add two and a half pounds each week until we get to 225.
Speaker 1:Until we get to 235. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Man, you got any final words, brother, to close this out or anything coming up for you?
Speaker 1:Man, I just I hope we I know we did a good enough job around this, but I really hope people will take this episode seriously and just think about how it's really impacting you, right, like, what roles are you just playing? That you just feel like you have to play. Like you just feel like you have to be in play for everyone else. Fam, we were having a conversation and we all talked about how some of us all of us who's we, the guys that I was talking to you about? We were having a conversation, all of us that have either been in long-term relationships, married with kids we'd have situations where we would just sit in the car in front of our house and just not go inside. Every single one of them, every I'm talking about.
Speaker 1:Like I would go to stores like Walmart, fred Myers, like on my way home, knowing I was gonna have to deal with some stuff, and I would just walk the store for 20 minutes and I'd grab like a DVD for the kids and I'd bring that home. But it was this idea that I really don't have anyone to talk to about this. So I'm just gonna manage this in silence because I know I just left the battle but I gotta go fight another one and nobody gets it and we're all sitting there, like you too, you too. And so I'm saying this is real, and what pressure builds up when you live a lifetime of an act for everyone and not just keeping it real about where you're at and what you need for yourself. And so I hope, if you're in that situation, that you would reach out because we're here for you. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Hey, I'm here for you, bro.
Speaker 1:I'm here for you too, but as far as our audience is concerned, of course, hey, download the episode, share it with somebody you care about, and definitely support us on our social media platforms. We love doing this. This is episode 34. We are gonna keep burning the candles at both ends and making it happen for y'all. This is the Take it Off podcast. We love y'all. We out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't know about encouraging people to burn their candles at both ends bro.
Speaker 1:No, we're burning our candles. I'm burning the candles at both ends, that's you doing that.
Speaker 2:You don't need to continue to do that. I'm gonna hold you accountable right now. Okay, you don't need to do that.
Speaker 1:Okay, we're not gonna talk about burning the candles.
Speaker 2:We love appreciating you. Hey, I'm talking right now. You talk, I let you have your final words. Can I have mine? Okay, motherfuckers, man, damn, can I talk? Go ahead, damn. Anyway, man, take it Off one article of clothing at a time. Release the judgment, the assumptions, the interpretations and the limiting beliefs that hold you back from being your fully expressed, authentic self. We love you. Take it Off community, hey, and I'm also thinking about like a Take it Off R&B music night. I told you about this.
Speaker 1:Are you gonna let me DJ it, so it's popular? Yeah, I think that's coming soon.
Speaker 2:I don't know about all that, but yeah, just be the DJ.
Speaker 1:You can help curate the playlist.
Speaker 2:Hey, take it off y'all, we out Go.
