Take it off! See. Love. Grow.
An unfulfilled life has less to do with what it is - and more with how you see it. Your fulfillment is often on the other side of a tough decision or conversation. It is in the resolving of conflict and the releasing of self-judgment that we grow the most. So, if you feel stuck in your career, relationships, or how you think about yourself, it’s time to “TAKE IT OFF” and show up as your authentic self. Joshua A. Fields and Jeremy Rubin co-host the “Take it Off” Podcast. As a master practitioner of the Energy Leadership Index with 15 years of executive leadership experience at a Fortune 10 company, Certified Executive Coach Joshua Fields has a proven track record of creating high-performing teams and environments for personal transformation. Renowned author, speaker, and founder of FACE Consulting, Jeremy Rubin, immediately impacts groups large and small using humor, personal stories, and practical, result-driven applications. These two have brought unique life experiences, skill sets, and energy to create an experience like no other. The mission is simple but not easy. It is to empower people with the skills to see and accept themselves and others clearly and without judgment to live a more authentic life. So, if you’re ready to live with purpose and curiosity and to get clear on what you want for your life, join us weekly at the “Take it Off” Podcast. Some concepts are based on and inspired by the coach training program Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching (iPEC).
Take it off! See. Love. Grow.
Breaking the Cycle: How to Stop Enabling in Relationships
Ever felt like you're stuck in a loop of constantly enabling someone's behavior without reaping any benefits for yourself? Well, you're not alone. Joshua, and Jeremy engage in a deep discussion on enabling behavior in relationships, based on insights from the article, How to Stop Being an Enabler in a Relationship: Five Ways from Marriage.com. We explore the power of reframing and re-envisioning our relationships with difficult conversations to spark growth and evolution.
It is no secret that communicating tough information or initiating challenging conversations can be daunting. However, articulating our thoughts clearly is a cornerstone of creating an environment where people understand what to expect from us, and where we can protect ourselves from being exploited. Without such boundaries, be prepared to be overwhelmed by others' drama, and stuck in a cycle of enabling behavior.
Finally, we invite you to join us in creating momentum conversations and revisiting these topics together, encouraging a journey of self-improvement and personal growth. Packed with personal stories, practical steps, and much-needed conversations, this episode is sure to leave you deeply enlightened and empowered.
Resource: How to Stop Being an Enabler in a Relationship: 5 Ways (marriage.com)
Find us on our online platforms:
Co-Host: Joshua Fields ACC, CPC, & Master ELI Practitioner
Website: https://joshuafields.coach/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/joshuaafields?igshid=NDc0ODY0MjQ=
Email List: https://archive.aweber.com/newsletter/awlist6189433
Co-Host: Jeremy Rubin, Keynote Speaker, Author, Consultant, Sales Leader
Website: http://faceconsultinggroup.com/
Welcome to the Take it All podcast, where we see love grow. I am your co-host, jeremy Rubin, and I'm here with my co-host, joshua Phil. Joshua, say hello to the people.
Speaker 1:It's been an hour since you've been gone and that's too long, so come back home. I can't live without my brother, okay don't put me in the remix bro. Do anything that I can, jeremy, to feel that touch from your hand. Sorry that I want to. So, jeremy, what do I do?
Speaker 2:Okay so again. This is the Take it All podcast. I'm here with Joshua.
Speaker 3:Joshua, say hello to everyone, please, hey hello, joshua, phil, executive coach, leadership coach to the stars and to lay people like my brother, jeremy.
Speaker 2:To the stars and lay people.
Speaker 3:Like my brother Jeremy.
Speaker 2:You're important to me, infinity and beyond. You're the only star. Your coaching is Buzz Lightyear, bro, infinity and beyond. Okay, get out of here. Yeah, yeah, maybe Woody.
Speaker 3:That too, woody too, hey man, whoever needs help, bro, I'm here. So I hear playing with the toys. I don't even know if that deserved to pause, but I just kind of like. I mean, I guess I opened up a singing Joda C lyrics to you, so I guess that opened the door for that.
Speaker 2:Look here, weirdo, we're here.
Speaker 3:Stop enabling my behavior, bro. What you got for us today.
Speaker 2:Oh, the fact that you love this, still my thunder thunderstealer, All right. Episode 37 is entitled stop enabling them. Yeah, I got to stop enabling you singing.
Speaker 3:It's breaking the cycle how to stop enabling in relationships.
Speaker 2:Well, that would be the title. Oh, you just changed the title. Oh, okay, you changed the title when I wasn't looking. You're alipetty, you're so petty. Like literally that said you changed it to something else.
Speaker 3:Okay, so, joshua it's just breaking the cycle. Okay, how to stop enabling in relationships and we're going to be borrowing some information, as we do, from our experts. We found this article how to stop being an enabler in a relationship five ways for marriagecom.
Speaker 2:Okay, and here's the thing about it it came from marriagecom, but it actually applies to all of your relationships. So, even if you're not married or don't want to do so, this is not the time to turn out. This is a time to listen, because this is going to be some great information. Now, I know you're pretty good about this. You know, josh, about not enabling the people around you, but I know you had to develop to that area. Was there ever a time where you struggled to stop enabling someone? If you can share this story, if you can I totally get it. Yeah.
Speaker 3:I think we always find a way to enable someone, especially if we think we're getting something out of it from enabling them. But I think you know, as we cover the article, I'm pretty sure that we're going to uncover that enabling doesn't change behavior. And so you may want different and you're not able to get different because you're a participant in the environment that you're enabling. So we're not going to get different results by doing the same thing. And you know, some examples come up, even in my own marriage, where I've been an active participant in wanting an outcome that's different from what I want to experience.
Speaker 3:But I'll tolerate things. I'll avoid having conversations for the sake of keeping peace, and it enables the very behavior that I need to have a direct conversation about. But I won't because there could be fear. I don't want necessarily things to change, and so I'll continue to participate in something that I'm enabling because of the fear of the outcome. On, if things are different or if I say something, it might not go the way that I want in my head, and so I'll listen to that story versus just leaning into whatever the conflict that needs to be resolved. And so what could happen is I've been shortchanged by some experiences or some things that I want to do because I won't lean in or I won't stop my behavior. That's enabling the part of the relationship that I want to see changed.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think most people just don't want the smoke Like it's. Like I've got enough going on. Yep, in some cases, in the short term, it's easier to enable behavior than it is to say, okay, I'm going to resolve this, because in order to resolve the conflict or have the conversation, then you're actually asking for a person to listen. You're actually like, hey, that means that we got to change behavior. We all know that most change is uncomfortable, so now we have to get out of our rhythm in order to establish a new one, and I think that that in between is so uncomfortable for people. Whether you're talking about a marriage, whether you're talking about leadership, redefining what the relationship looks like for the betterment of the relationship is something that most people struggle with.
Speaker 3:Absolutely, and even my wife and I are now using terms like reorganizing, re-envisioning, coming back to the table to have difficult conversations that allow for more of us to unfold in a relationship. Especially if you want to prioritize, this is the relationship you want. Everybody comes with a set of burdens, a set of strife. We just celebrated 12 years in a palm of reflections Congratulations, thank you, brother. In a palm of reflection it's like we still decide to do life together, but we've had to have some really difficult conversations like how it's been needs to change.
Speaker 3:If we want to continue to grow, experience parts of ourselves, move through difficult things that you got to lean into, because the change isn't going to come by you continuing to enable what has brought you to where you are. If you want to grow and evolve, that's going to come with difficulty, and some of that is you have to apply a stressor to the situation or to the relationship, to cause change, to shake you out of the monotony of what is and help elevate you to. Even if it's moving from autopilot to conscious decision making, that is a change in and of itself. Because you've been with someone so long, you can just maintain a consistent cycle. I enable them, they enable me, and you're just finding yourself in this merry-go-round, stuck which we know is a lower level energy in level one, and you're not going to get true fulfillment or satisfaction by continually doing the same thing if it's not growing or fulfilling.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think that the change is already here. Right, part of enabling is there's actually a low level of bitterness there because the change is here, whether we want to admit it or not, whether we want to adjust to the change or not is a decision that we make in our relationship. It's a personal decision we make for ourselves and a type of culture that we establish. So it's like change is here. Whether we want to transition or not is another thing, and if we don't transition, typically we're going to have some seeds of bitterness. We're going to, you know, you're going to end up leaning on other people like, which is fine. But if, like you said, if the relationship is a priority, it's respecting the fact that there's constant change, yeah, and for us to weather that, like the palm tree and the wind, we got to switch this up, right, it's one of those roles you bring.
Speaker 3:That was fire, right there, bro, the palm tree, and the wind, the palm tree. I got the visual on that. The hurricane, bro, it's coming.
Speaker 2:But we're still going to be standing. The buildings may fall, but this palm tree relationship we're going to be here, all right. So let's get into the article and this is something that I think is very important, and I think it's really tough if you haven't done it in a relationship which is set clear and healthy boundaries. The article reads establishing clear boundaries is crucial in stopping enabling behavior. Be clear I'm going to say that again. Be clear about what you will and won't tolerate, and communicate these boundaries with your loved one. Now, a lot of times it's tough. Two of these things are really tough.
Speaker 2:If you haven't had boundaries in the beginning, you will make that as the excuse to not have boundaries now.
Speaker 2:I want to let you guys know something it's okay to establish boundaries whenever you want to establish them, because somebody's been, you know, and you've been helping them get away with murder Doesn't mean that you can't grow and get to a space where, like this isn't working for me anymore the way that it's moving. Secondly, clear is the word I think. A lot of times when we communicate difficult information, what we deem as difficult information, you know, we'll try to. It's like we're. You know we're sending in windows. We might send a clip on Facebook. We may do this, that. And the third, to get the point across because we may not have the courage in the moment to just have the conversation and communicate clearly, like if somebody doesn't understand you because you're not making it clear, that's on you. But if you make it clear and people decide to continue to cross your boundaries, well then that's a show of you know how they feel about you and the relationship as a whole.
Speaker 3:In my opinion, yeah, yeah. So that word clear, that rings a powerful bell, because oftentimes, people I don't know if it's often, it happens regularly this is like the number one thing that I help people through in my coaching practice. Once we get past judging things as not being helpful, then we're talking about, well, what's the redesign of your ideal life look like? And it's going to come with setting clear and healthy boundaries. And what happens is is because we have such level four energy in this where we want to be liked, we want to help and help others win. And how can I and I think number two is going to get to this point here, this, this tell me who I am so you can need me to help you, no question.
Speaker 3:And so then, without healthy boundaries, you find yourself resentful and overwhelmed by the very thing that you are enabling, which you and your head of organizers.
Speaker 3:I'm helping, I'm providing a service, I'm doing something for someone because they can't do it for themselves, and that feeds me in some way. Again, without the healthy boundaries, you're going to find yourself overwhelmed by other people's drama and you're going to continue to enable where they are. That's why, having the perspective that allows you that, yes, people may use victim energy, and there are some very I'm not even going to say extreme. There are some real examples of people that literally cannot help themselves. But oftentimes that is a decision that we take on because we want to feel needed. So we help, even if it's to our detriment, and then, without these boundaries, to allow people to show up for themselves. Like you can't outsource your healing, you can't outsource going to the gym for yourself, you can't outsource your own growth and development, and so we'll look for those people that need our help. And then here we go into a cycle with the important to feel important, exactly.
Speaker 3:I feel, important to feel something. To feel something yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and add to that that this is an ecosystem, right. So any ecosystem wants to do one thing and that's just they survive, stay alive. So, on the onset, when you set a clear boundary, this is something very different than what someone is used to experiencing, especially if you're a habitual enabler and so without clear boundaries which gives you a roadmap to where you're going to go. Because, again, this isn't just, this is actually. This is not about them, this is about you.
Speaker 2:When you establish those clear boundaries and you know who you are and you have that foundation, then when they're doing things to recalibrate, to get you back to the enabling behavior because that's the comfortable ecosystem you'll at least know this is off without being clear to yourself first and then to them, because sometimes you got to just figure out what is the boundaries look like in this type of relationship. Okay, now that I've set that up, I can move forward, but without having that clear conversation with yourself and then that clear conversation with them, you provide an environment where you can be gaslit, you can be manipulating, you can manipulate yourself right To just. I just want to get back to normal because I don't want the stress of the in-between that the conflict brings when I'm readjusting this relationship so it can get to a space that serves the both of us or I'm out. Yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 3:Absolutely Well, let's let's tackle point number two. Stop Rescuing, savor. Resist the urge to rescue or fix the person's problems. Allow them to face the consequences of their actions and learn from their mistakes. Resist the urge to rescue or fix the problems of others. Allow them to face the consequences of their actions and learn from their mistakes.
Speaker 2:Oh, my God.
Speaker 3:Yeah, this, I mean this is pretty clear and pretty direct, because when you lean in and I'm not saying never to jump in and help someone solve something or fix something, because sometimes you know, without judging it, enablement can help spur change. Hey, I'm with my buddy, we're going to, I'm going to enable your success by supporting you. Studying for an exam Looks like you didn't get something now, because really the word enable, it enable means to support a particular action or process or condition by you giving support, right, giving help, but it's when it's when. That again the pattern, the cycle of enablement, that's what we're addressing. So when you constantly jump in and fix somebody's problems, you stop them from growing, only to feed your own ego.
Speaker 3:I feel good when I help others. How can I be of service? How can you give me my flowers if I keep helping you? Well, you're not going to be able to create any change, and sometimes that's not what you're after, because you're so drunk by them telling you thank you for helping me, thank you for helping me, that you rob them of their own experience to learn from the mistakes. And we do this with our children all the time. Do you have any examples of you rescuing your children or?
Speaker 3:you're trying to alleviate their consequences by trying to not allow them to learn from the mistakes?
Speaker 2:No, no, no, I don't do that. I'm hover dad for sure, like that too, helicopter hover, because I'm closer than the helicopter. So I am and I will do things to get out in front of something for sure or try to make sure that. Hey, I'm thinking this might lead us down a path that may not, and again I'm deciding this is about to lead us down a path that we may not like how that feels. So let's move in a different direction.
Speaker 2:But if my kids make a decision that gets them into something that they ain't supposed to be in, no, you're going to feel all of that because, at the end of the day, you already know how I feel about the situation, because I've made myself clear in your life for years. You know what I would do, you know, you know what I wouldn't do. You decided that you're going to move in this direction despite sound advice. So whatever comes with it comes with it. I'm still going to love you, but you're going to feel that right. So I'm okay and I'm actually I'm more on it with my boys than my girl, to be honest. For sure, you know I don't want her. You know I don't want her to experience any hurt or pain, but I think that that's. I know that that's a part of life, but it just pulls at me differently.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I watched my my parents do this with my brother, my older brother, and this is when he was. He was getting in trouble and stuff with the law and being jailed and doing prison and all that and I didn't understand it at the time. But you know, we would get the. You have a collect call from mm-hmm Yep. And my dad was like he stopped, stopped stopped answering those collect calls, Mm-hmm. And I was like well, Jimmy's, Jimmy's in trouble. I mean, he's calling home. And my dad got to a point where he was just like, stop answering those phone calls. He did what he did. He needs to be in there and do that time.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And it was. It was so like stern and strict, but it was necessary. It was necessary. This was my dad and my mom, but just really came from my dad around. He has to. He has to feel the weight of his consequences and we're not going to always be there to hold that space. This has to hurt enough to create some change, right. This has to hurt enough, and a part of that hurt and that pain is starting to remove some of those report systems that you rely on when you do the same thing again, find yourself in the same situation and you're looking for the hey come, hey, I'm down, come, help me.
Speaker 3:But when you're up and running, doing whatever you're doing, you know, hey, you know where to be found, right, and so. So anyway, it's, it's, it's a real thing, you know, and I, you know even. I'd even look at how my house, how successful my brother is today in terms of just maintaining a job, staying out of trouble, clean and all that, like he's come such a long way. He even said this at my dad's funeral. He was just like. My dad got a chance to see me fix it, yeah, and a lot of that came from my dad stopping the enabling behavior, because if you don't recognize that as special or as I don't, I don't have to answer your call just because you're my son. Yeah, I don't have to come and rescue you because you're my daughter. Whatever you're doing Right, a part of their help is you not helping.
Speaker 2:Bro, I had some. I had some cousins in in my family who their parent basically let them live, and it wasn't even their parent, is their, their grandparent. Let them live in a house. It well into their forties without paying any bills. Wow, and it well into their forties without paying any bills.
Speaker 2:And these individuals you know we're struggling with addiction and some other things in any way, but just were enabled their whole life. Well, that grandparent pass and the house was paid off and the house got sent to auction over like $12, $1300 in back taxes and then the property ended up selling for over half a million and now there's a huge, high rise on the property basically huge apartment structure. But when you talk about the consequences of enabling and how it impacts your legacy, where you think was helping seriously hurt Right, you seriously, seriously hurt. You thought you were doing something and again, if you're constantly rescuing, what does that do?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think that blows us into a point three. Wait, did I cut you off?
Speaker 3:No, no, no. I was going to tell you to move on a point three.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah, yeah, no, I appreciate it. You know, great minds encourage accountability, right? So I think that that's a great transition. Encouraging accountability, the article says, encourage the person to take responsibility for their behavior and hold them accountable for their actions. This may mean refusing to cover up for them or bail them out of trouble, and there's whole cultures where, if you're my boy or you're my girl, or you were connected, I'm going to cover up for you and I'm going to bail you out, like you're never going to have to worry about that part. And then the question becomes okay, well, how does this all end, right? I think that this encouraging accountability can be really tough for people, absolutely, and because first of all, you're going to judge areas in your life Well, am I being accountable to this?
Speaker 2:Am I doing that in the third? And if you don't remind yourself, there's a good shot that the person that you're trying to hold accountable will remind you who are you two. It can get really visceral, but at the end of the day, I think I know that we all do better with accountability structures. We all do better with having people on our team to support us as we move towards what we want, and that doesn't always feel good in the moment, but the structure is more important than how we feel if we have a big goal.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, I. Just the first thought in my mind that came up is you can tell the quality of a relationship when you have someone in that relationship that's holding you accountable. Sometimes we find ourselves in spaces with people that again this fear of being rejected. I want you to like me, accountability doesn't feel good, so I will not speak up about what I'm seeing that might be destroying you for the sake of maintaining a connection, because it's easier not to say anything to that friend, to that person that you love. So you will divert accountability and talk about how you can help them and alleviate some pressure or stress so that, because that feels more accepting, it feels more like, okay, they're going to like me more if I take a weight off of them, versus a conversation, that is that and you need to go see a counselor. How many times do we get to the gym this week? Right?
Speaker 2:Or just something like that you said on me about that. Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 3:Hey, I ain't heard the weight come up. What's going on? Yeah, right, and that's important. And I think about, even when I really leaned into my own weight loss journey, my buddy, jacob man. That motherfucker is annoying, and he is. He doesn't say it in the way that feels good all the time.
Speaker 2:Not at all.
Speaker 3:He's not going to and ain't going to and don't care that you don't like it and don't care, right, but he is an, he's an account, he's a pusher for me and in that, encouraging accountability really helps, really helps amplify you as a person, when you have people that are surrounding you that hold you accountable to excellence, to what you want to see and what you want to do. And that's not always well received, but it is necessary when you start talking about elevating and breaking these cycles of enablement.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I can tell you this, any group of people that you want to belong to, because a lot of times we'll see the fruit right. We'll see somebody in a great, a nice house. We'll see somebody in this fantastic career or, you know, at a certain pay grade. We'll see somebody who you know jumps and moves towards their dreams. We'll look at the relationship that we're like man, man you guys just have. It's not that the relationship is perfect, but it's solid. You guys got each other's back Like we see these results, but then we don't understand that there's a lot of accountability.
Speaker 2:Absolutely Like this is. This is a fraternity, this is a sorority. This is a little like I get that you guys. It looks good from the outside and it should, but are you willing to pay the price? We were talking about this the other day. People love these fight movies like Creed. We can go, even going back to the original Rockies. They look at the training. They're like man, he's dead. Like we esteem it. Don't nobody want to be in the gym like that? Yeah Right, it's like we can look at it and feel good and be connected to the result. We won the belt, but are you willing to get up and run 3K every morning, six days a week. Yeah Right, I know you want the belt, we all do, yeah, but are you willing to put the work in and to me, that is connected to your team, which is connected to a certain level of accountability?
Speaker 3:Absolutely. And that moves us on to seeking support. Point four it can be challenging to learn how to stop enabling someone on your own. Seek support, relationship, counseling, therapists, whatever. Have you to navigate that with a goal, and I'm a big proponent of therapy and coaching. Simultaneously, it is seeking people that don't have necessarily a dog in your fight, that can hold the most plain near space for you to see it all clearly, so you can then go back with information that's clear and symbolic and above the stressor of the enabling behavior, especially if that enabling behavior is to the detriment of you or the relationship pulling yourself out and being able to go and have carved out space to be with someone that can.
Speaker 3:Ultimately and this is why I love coaching you have the answers, you know what you're doing. None of this is a surprise to you and there's a reason why you're enabling. You're getting something out of it, yep, or you wouldn't do it, no question. But it is what you are getting out of it, temporarily aligned with the long-term goal of what you want for the long-term duration of whatever goal or vision that you have for yourself. And if those are out of alignment, you need a sense of strength to pull from hold yourself accountable, to support yourself, to move differently so you can be able to access things you want long-term. If I want a great marriage or a great relationship, well, I'm going to have to work for that. I can't just grab these low hanging fruits of enablement because they make me feel good temporarily, in the moment, but they rob me of my long-term success.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely yeah, and respect the support you seek. And what I mean by that? Respect the support you seek. What I mean by that is there's so many people that you may say, okay, like you said, go to somebody who doesn't have a dog in the fight Because you're like oh, you're just saying that because you don't like them. Or you're just saying that, because you're projecting or whatever, because we will fire and fire somebody when we don't like what we hear.
Speaker 2:If we don't like what we hear, A lot of times, we're seeking support to reinforce what we already believe. My thing is the moment that you get multiple people, multiple professionals that are saying the same thing to you respect the support that you seek. So now it's time for you to move, and that's what's so crazy about enabling. It's such a part of you, it's cultural, it's your lifestyle. It's your lifestyle that even you don't really want it to end, because you've created a system where this enabling gives you some value too. You get to be a hero on demand, unbeknownst to the fact that you're killing yourself at the same time. I'm a hero on demand. They need me, someone needs me. Well, that comes at a price. So it's just again. It's one thing to seek support, but let's also respect the message and then move. Let's do something about it Absolutely Lastly and what's interesting is I didn't really realize how this tied in, but as we're going through this article and talking about it, it ties in so well Practice self care, taking care of yourself, is crucial in breaking free from enabling behavior.
Speaker 2:Set aside time for activities that bring you joy, prioritize your physical and mental health and establish a support system for yourself. But when I think about the greatest enablers in my life and the people that I see the common thread is they will put every and anyone before themselves, myself included. Myself included, oh, when I'm in my enabling seasons, you're not going to catch me at the gym, but when you call me it's good, no matter what time you call me.
Speaker 1:I speak the truth man. Thank you for your vulnerability.
Speaker 2:I'm going to be doing something around helping someone else, Because it's like man, yeah, there's just real hard thing that I got to be consistent about that. I really don't feel like doing so the low hanging fruit is let me go support, enable, serve someone else without boundaries. So at least at the end of the day I could say I did that. Yeah, Someone feels good about me, even if I don't feel good about myself. Yeah, so that's going to be my day. Today is a day where people can say Jeremy's a pretty awesome guy, Even if he doesn't feel good about himself because he didn't do what he needed to do for himself. The days that I have the most energy to do for others is when I knock out everything I got to do for me first, and then anything else is extra. It's like man, our bills are paid, we got money in the bank. Who needs a little support? No problem, let's figure it out. But when you stress to the max because you haven't done anything for you, and you don't have any capacity and you don't have
Speaker 2:no boundaries what are we talking about? So I believe self-care is right where it's supposed to be.
Speaker 3:Yeah, no, absolutely. And just to even use the language that we borrowed from the energy assessments, a lot of enabling behavior comes from this level. Four I want you to win energy, and again without the proper boundaries, even for yourself. Right, self-care and self-discipline. Ultimately, is what we talk about when we talk about self-care is being able to be consistent and disciplined to a behavior that serves you and you only. You can't give what you don't have, and if you're not giving yourself discipline, you can't give that discipline right.
Speaker 3:You are your first experiment, you're your first project, you're your first clay to be molded, and you can get a great indicator of how well you can show up for others when you start to look at how you're showing up for yourself. Because if I'm showing up for others without boundaries, that means I don't have any boundaries for myself, or they're very loose, or they're very fluid. And again, no judgment that works for people until it doesn't. Yeah, tell your overwhelmed and your resentful and your angry about why no one won't love you the way you love others. Well, that's where we went wrong, that's where we already went awry Is you're showing up for other people in a way that you want them to show up for you, but that has to be how you show up for yourself to protect yourself when you are disappointed or rejected, that that love isn't received in the same way, because that's actually an illusion. No one can love you the way you can love you. No one can show up for you the way you can show up for you.
Speaker 3:So when you begin to prioritize who you are, what you have, what your powers are and how that is fed by setting up these boundaries of support, including talking to a coach or a therapist or both, or having a time where you just reflect and remind yourself about what's important for you, so you're clear on if this doesn't align with what's important for me, that's a hard no. I only accept hell yes, energy, and that's difficult to do, especially when you find yourself in spaces where you're in a low, your dopamine has been depleted. You're looking for someone to tell you who you are, remind you of your power, but be mindful that you have people in your life again that encourage you to be accountable and remind you of who you are more of the time, versus taking from who you are, because they benefit from your enablement. This whole thing works together. And again, when we get back to it and we remove all the layers.
Speaker 3:You are the constant struggle in the environment that you create. Make sure that that is created to help amplify who you are in your ecosystem and not take away from you because you are unclear or you're tired. You're tired of showing up for yourself, so you want somebody else to do it. Tell me who I am, let me serve you without boundaries and then give me some good words, give me some flowers, and then we get that becomes our high, but it's not sustainable.
Speaker 2:It never works. We never heal facts, we never heal. It becomes the Vicodin, it becomes the Percocet. It's like you have this injury but if I serve without boundaries I'll get just enough of a feeling that I don't do anything about the injury. It's the pain medication serving folks without boundaries but you never heal. So you got to continue to go back to that and unfortunately now you're overcompensating because you're not healed.
Speaker 2:If I could say anything like it's one of and I get into this where I've been two, three, four months consistent, then I don't see a result.
Speaker 2:It's like man, I want to feel something right now and I think part of that the discipline is understanding and self-love and self-care is understanding that you're not going to feel great all the time in this journey and going to a place to feel good right now may move you off where you're supposed to go and that happens.
Speaker 2:But the point is what doesn't feel good sometime, like when that doctor sets that bone what doesn't feel good is going to your support, is going to the mirrors that are going to tell you, the plain mirrors that are going to tell you what it is, the convex mirrors that at the same time, are going to amplify. Hey, you can do this, even if you don't believe it right now. And then getting back to the hard thing and working on that until you get to a space where that hard thing becomes a part of your DNA and then pick up another hard thing and then guess what next thing? You know, people are like man oh boy, he's got a six-pack. We talked about this before. There are actually more millionaires in the US than people with six-packs. So as we continue to do hard things and we continue to stop enabling others, it actually focuses the onus back on us to do what we need to do for ourselves.
Speaker 3:Man, well said, my brother, you should like do a podcast or something. Bro, we're out here. Yeah, that part. So why don't you tell our?
Speaker 2:community what they can do first.
Speaker 3:Hey, I would love to man. Thank you for listening and you can always support us by downloading, sharing and listening continuously. Join our social media platforms It'll be in the show notes and again, tell us what you want to hear. Write a review. You know, give us a little dope of me. That's who we are, you know we could use that a little bit, yeah, even though we're over here talking.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you know we're still human. I want to remind everybody that you know we come up with these episode topics, research them, talk about it, and we're right there trying to figure it out alongside our listeners. Nobody has arrived. There's no place to go but be present in our own journey, and we have a great vantage point Our professionals at being able to pick apart and see where folks energies at. And you know all. You need to do this, you need to do that. Well, that's because you're a enabler and you're in your own way. And, yeah, we can say that all day long. And we're still not above the curriculum. We're still not above the human experience, even though sometimes I'd like to believe I am.
Speaker 3:But you know, on a real, on a real human level, we're all fighting this fight together. When we identify, raise our hand. Hey, I'm struggling too. I don't do this all the time. I've had these things in my life suffer as a result of me enabling, or there's conflict in my life that I've taken too long to resolve. I want you to align with where we are, but we don't have to stay where we are, and this is the purpose of creating some momentum conversation. You might be listening to this somebody in your car sharing this with somebody? We visit these conversations. Let's be our own accountability. Just hold each other accountable to excellence. We can be better than where we are if we push ourselves and don't settle for something that we're tolerating that doesn't necessarily fit our ideal, and that's really the journey and that's what we're going to continue to do and support each other on.
Speaker 1:So it's been an hour since you've been gone.
Speaker 2:Yeah, bro, you found a way to bring it back in.
Speaker 1:Okay, this is the take it out podcast.
Speaker 2:We really appreciate you all. Hopefully you have a fantastic week. He's trying to hit the notes. Are you going to say goodbye to the people before we get sued again for licensing?
Speaker 1:a friend, goodbye. There's no need for you to cry.
Speaker 3:Now, if you can tell me who that is I don't even know what I'll do I'll give you a big hug and a kiss. I don't want it.
Speaker 1:I don't know what it is.
Speaker 3:If anybody hit me with a DM, tell me who that is. You got a big hug and kiss coming your way from your guy J Fields. I love to do it. Who sung the song goodbye.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, they're just going to look it up. I'm not telling you nothing.
Speaker 3:Okay, yeah, look it up. I mean, this is great music. You know how I think we should do an R&B. Take it off night. I think that should be in the work. I'm down bro.
Speaker 2:Let me know when to wear. I'll show up.
Speaker 3:All right, cool, that's what everybody wants to show up. No one wants to work.
Speaker 2:Oh man, I'm done today with your behavior pal All right, bro, I love you I love you too.
Speaker 3:All right, go, I don't know.
Speaker 1:It's been an hour since you've been gone.
