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Keep that Same Energy: Child Support, Accountability and Relationships

Joshua Fields & Jeremy Rubin Episode 44

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Ever wondered how to navigate the complex world of child support, divorce, and societal norms? Discover how to comprehend these intricacies using Tyrese Gibson's recent court battle as our case study, with us – your hosts Jeremy Rubin and Joshua Fields. We dissect not just the court procedures, but the wider implications these situations have on men, especially those of color. We share our personal experiences, the need for accountability in relationships, and how to heal from the trauma of a public break-up. 

Our conversation takes a hard look at societal norms and constructs, dissecting the challenges faced by couples. We share our own tales of personal growth, emphasizing the vital role of authenticity and extreme accountability in leading a satisfied life. 

As we wrap up this enlightening episode, we delve into the significance of community service and maintaining connections in our lives. We examine the impact of social media, the dangers of chasing relevancy, and the importance of celebrating each other. By the end of this compelling discussion, we hope you walk away with a fresh perspective on relationships, personal growth, and the power of community. Don't miss this illuminating episode of Take it Off!

Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Take it All podcast, where we see love grow. I am your co-host, jeremy Rubin, and I'm here with my friend, greatest co-host on planet earth, joshua Fields. Joshua, how are you doing, brother?

Speaker 2:

Me. Can you focus on me, baby, can you focus? Oh my God, oh my God.

Speaker 1:

Can we clear up something? What's that key? Because there are people out there that actually think that I know what songs you're going to sing, like literally, because you keep defining me as the creative director, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2:

So people think this entire thing is scripted?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, absolutely, I give you songs to sing.

Speaker 2:

I know what's going to happen. I think we should just leave that up for the mystery of one of the Take it All podcasts. One day we're going to release Take it All Black and it's going to have all the. Easter eggs that we have layered into every show, easter eggs, and we'll come clean about all of it.

Speaker 1:

And here's what's so crazy is that what people think is actually going on, versus what is actually going on, what is an Easter egg and what is not.

Speaker 2:

But that's the joy of doing this with you. That's the joy of being the creative director. It's art, it's up for interpretation and I love to open the show with a little bit of her. I'm Josh Fields. I Moonlight as a DJ and an R&B singer.

Speaker 1:

Moonlight. You don't Moonlight as an R&B.

Speaker 2:

Yes, okay, get to that. But no, I see you walking with my guy over the weekend and listen to a little bit of Ain't no Fun at the Vi Bingo.

Speaker 1:

The Vi Bingo.

Speaker 2:

I was at the party so that was cool, and then also, you know, I'm an executive coach, so I spent some time with leaders and teams and we help people. We help break people out of jail Judgments, assumptions, interpretations, limiting beliefs and I think we do a great job of being able to display our thought process and our mindset in that area right here on the Take it Off C Love Girl podcast. Absolutely yes, indeed, my brother, hey, what have you creatively drummed up for us today, Mr?

Speaker 1:

Rooson. Today we're going to talk about Tyrese.

Speaker 2:

Can you focus on me? Oh, Tyrese, See I thought you were exactly. See, that's what it does, sweet lady.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, hey, that's proof that I'm not out here giving you the song selection.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

No, I already know. Don't try to look it up, because I know you don't know the words, because you would have done it.

Speaker 2:

Oh, I definitely know the words.

Speaker 1:

That is such a banger, though, but you don't have the range for that. You don't have the vocal range to get up there.

Speaker 2:

You're not a first or second tenor. Lady is such a vibe, bro. You throw that up.

Speaker 1:

I mean timeless. No, don't do the run.

Speaker 2:

Oh yeah.

Speaker 1:

Bro, I was such a Tyrese fan.

Speaker 2:

Would you be my sweet love oh, okay.

Speaker 1:

So since you want to do that because you're Mr Pop Culture, but you ain't underground, you don't, I'm with it, okay, give me something. What you got Again. His first hit, his first banger, was actually a Coca-Cola commercial. I don't know if you remember that, give me that.

Speaker 2:

I remember that On the bus. You remember it On the bus, on the bus.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so you got some points.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, On the bus. He's out there. I'm like who's that dude?

Speaker 2:

Always Coca-Cola.

Speaker 1:

You know, I didn't want to say it because we're not sponsored by Coca-Cola. Yet I'm drinking Pepsi, man. I'm drinking Pepsi, absolutely. I ate Pepsi for the rest of my life, though.

Speaker 2:

But you got a topic about Tyrese, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah. So the TMZ article says it all. It says Tyrese rocked in court $636,000 for child support and lawyer bills 636K. Just come up with that, produce it. This is what we need. The article reads despite the astronomical number that came out of today's hearing, tyrese's attorney, tanya Mitchell Graham, isn't too down about it. She tells TMZ they will file an appeal as soon as the judge's orders is entered. She also filed a motion for a new trial, which will be heard next month.

Speaker 1:

As for the money, tyrese doesn't have to pay it all at once. The judge said the date for the 15th of May for about 258K of it, but Tanya says that that will be pushed back once their appeal is filed. Also, the judge made a point of saying Tyrese has been paying child support. So this is not a man that hasn't been paying child support. He has been paying child support, just not the $10,000 a month the court had ordered. Instead he's been paying $2,236 a month. So the 236K represents or 237,38K represents the monthly difference he owes between the 2200 roughly he was paying and the 10,000 he was ordered, plus interest.

Speaker 1:

The actor-singer was in Fulton County Court Tuesday to deal with this ongoing child support battle with his ex Samantha Lee Gibson, the main issue being that Tyrese is he's refusing to pay the 10K he was ordered to pay last August because he felt the judge was racist and biased against him. Also, he stated on the stand that he feels like the 10K is excessive. He claims Samantha doesn't need that much because she makes good money on her own. Inside the court, the judge fired back at Tyrese for his failure to cop with the money he had been ordered to pay and held him in contempt. Here's what's crazy. He could have also arrested him right there on the spot, but he gave him a break. So there's a lot to unpack. There's some areas that we're going by high level. What I'd say you, joshua?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, you know, I would love to hear your story because I know this connects for a number of reasons. I have never experienced this. Of course you haven't.

Speaker 1:

Golden Child Church Boy playing by all the rules, doing what mama said you ain't yeah.

Speaker 2:

I ain't experienced.

Speaker 1:

You know that center life is for the rest of y'all. Even troubles and tribulations is for you common folk.

Speaker 2:

No, no, no, no, none of that. We all have our pains. We all have our pleasures. But this is, I know, a lot of our listeners have. There's a range and a multitude of adjustments made when children are involved and relationships don't necessarily follow the traditional two parent household and maybe not the traditional, the ideal. What am I trying to say? This projection of what we want? No, it's okay, it's it's it's traditional. Traditional. It's what we've been told is ideal. It's what we've been told is ideal.

Speaker 1:

There's a shame when you're not in that. Yeah, when it doesn't work, you're right. Yeah, everywhere you're going and you're with the, I see what you're doing and you're like, wait a minute, everywhere that you're going, though, that's a real place to go, because that's how people feel about it. Yeah, marriage, typically, is one of those goals that we have. Yeah, we're supposed to be married, we're supposed to find our person, we're supposed to have our children. You know, leave our legacy, and it's supposed to look a certain way, you know, at least here in the US. So you're not going anywhere where most people go, like you know, especially after they get out of their little phase in their early twenties, and then we get to that mid-twenty section and we say, hey, it's time to be chosen, it's time to move in this direction. I totally get it. So, anyway, go ahead, king.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So I really, I think, I really I know you were doing giving us the review of things. I want to hear from you first before I chime in with what I think.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, what would you like to hear specifically?

Speaker 2:

Joshua, I want to hear about how man there's so much, it's complex, right, I think about what, what? Like the minute we say that the legal system is is flawed here and that we need, like how Tyrese is being told you need to pay this amount he believes excessive, what, what rights or what does he have to be able to combat that, other than being able to prove the racist the judge was racist and he was biased against him Like what else? What else foundationally does he have that can be proven as fact to be able to combat or appeal this amount that he feels is is excessive, given the financial money that are, the financial success that his significant is former significant other had? How do you Again, how do you, how do you fight that?

Speaker 1:

Yeah. So here's what's so insane. Like I like I'd never been to court before. Yeah, I had been one. I've been to court one time before this, like for anything real, and that was when I me and my brother we had our names legally changed to our stepdad's names, right, so you had to actually go to court to actually make that happen. He had been there since day, since I was a year and a half, my brother was six months. We had gone by Ruben our whole life. We wanted to honor him. At the same time I was 19. My brother was 18. I'm in court.

Speaker 1:

The next time I'm in court is about this, and I actually started off very optimistic, but then, towards the end it came. It like it really hit me in the face that there is a bias, so as even we're doing the preliminary hearing about, oh you know, ruben versus Ruben, whatever the case may be, I'm not hearing, so I'm waiting as my case is coming up and you have all of these people going to the stand to talk about their case, and typically it was about, you know, issues around custody or issues around what's the parenting plan going to look like that. For me it was. He makes this much money. He makes this much money. He makes this much money.

Speaker 1:

And, for the first time, the fact that I worked my ass off to make this money, to take care of all of these people around me, I felt like was being weaponized, like if I was like not taking care of business, I would have been in a better position.

Speaker 1:

So, to keep you kind of some background and I'm going to talk a little bit about it, but I'm going to talk around it too, because this is still the mother of my children, right, like this is my kids listening to my podcast, so I'm going to honor that. So if I'm dancing around something, it's not because I don't want to talk about it. It's because I need to make sure that those relationships are intact and that's important To me. But the people that know me know what's going on and I still think that our audience can glean from what I'm going to talk about. So I decided that this relationship wasn't working for me anymore and I filed for divorce, which is actually very, very it's not as common. It's actually more common for women to file for divorce than it is men.

Speaker 1:

I got to my 80 percent of the time, 80 percent of the time, but I had got to my breaking point I said you know, I'm looking at the kids and I'm looking at what's safest for them and what's the best environment for them. I'm putting it on them, but at the end of the day, I just didn't have the courage to make a tough decision. However, it landed right, I got, I had to get there, but in the beginning I told all of these victim stories of why I needed to stay. The kids need to have me around here, no matter what. Maybe if I just work harder let me look at what I'm doing. Like all of the things that I've done, I've done. I'm doing, like all of these things, that even though the writing was on the wall, I'm still staying OK. So when I left, I was still taking care of bills, sending money, taking care of my kids. I am a papa bear right, I was doing it. But what I'm not going to do is I'm not going to finance your life while you're about the fuckery and I'm sitting here sitting on a couch like I'm not doing that.

Speaker 1:

So then it ends up going to court and I was given because at the at the time, she didn't work OK and I was taking care of financially not just the kids that we shared, but all of the kids that were in the situation, and there were six of them. And so the judge gave me almost an impossible order. It was impossible. He said Mr Rubin, the first thing we're going to do is put you on a financial restraining order, which means that anything that you're paying for now, outside of the utility bill, you're going to pay. So you can't take her or the kids off. Your insurance is you. You can't, you know, you just can't move money around, like whatever you're doing now is what you're going to do the cable bill, whatever the case may be. And so I don't know if most people know, but that, right, there is going to be a big bill to start off with.

Speaker 1:

Then they said OK, she, I had left the home. It wasn't safe for me to stay in the home anymore. I left my home. And so they're like you're going to pay the mortgage. And the mortgage was somewhere in the neighborhood at the time of twenty two hundred dollars, which was a crazy mortgage. You know to try to get that today you can't get. We're talking about this is roughly in the neighborhood of two thousand fifteen sixteen. So they said you're going to pay the mortgage, you're going to pay her eight hundred dollar car note, again right there. Why do we have an eight hundred dollar car note? That's a whole another thing Again, we'll get to the accountability part. You're going to pay the eight hundred dollar car note. You're going to pay twenty five hundred in what we're going to call spousal temporary maintenance. You're also going to pay another, I think roughly fifteen hundred dollars in child support.

Speaker 1:

And then there was a couple of the things they sprinkled in. By the time it was said and done, my order was somewhere in the neighborhood of eight thousand dollars that I had to pay in that direction. Now again, I'm not in the home, but I have to pay it in that direction. Plus, I was in a commission only business. So you have to. Josh, you know you lead teams. You can't be unhappy on the sales floor. You can't be going through stuff where customers see it. They need to feel an experience, absolutely. And it's tough to give an experience when you're hurt, when you're getting your ass beat. It's really tough to smile in front of people. I mean really. So there was that.

Speaker 1:

The other thing that they did was they made us, they had us have the kids half time. So half time I had the kids, even though she didn't work, and half time she had the kids. Now again, I was typically in a rhythm where I was working almost every day to provide. Now I got my kids half time. So I can't even put the. Let's not even talk about the quality of sales person I was. I didn't have the same time on the floor to produce right, and so all of these things are working in concert.

Speaker 1:

I had to move in with my brother. Thank God for my brother, let me live with him rent free. And you know, to give you some perspective, the. It was the worst year I had made in sales, right? So I made close to 90 grand that year and after the order was done, I didn't pay taxes that year. So let's just talk about $90,000 gross income. Ok, I took home 19,000 when they were done with my ass and I hadn't even paid taxes yet. Okay, and I was still behind on the order. So I'm like, okay, let's try to, let's just try to figure this out. So we went to mediation. Okay, I'm like, let's sell our house Now.

Speaker 1:

Joshua, it almost brings a tear to my eye when I talk about this, because I worked so hard to get this house Saved every dollar, worked 12 hour shifts while helping raise six kids and finally got the home. It was a nice home, it was a great home. As a matter of fact, every day I never took it for granted I will pull up my boy Trevor helped me plant this Japanese maple, and I will pull my car up next to the Japanese maple and literally I look at it and all like I actually did it. I did it, I did it. I did it. With all this going on, I gotta sell that house. God it hurt. And so there was roughly $130,000 worth of equity. I said, hey, look, we'll split the equity, I'll take on all the debt and all you gotta do is walk away and I pay you child support and we're done.

Speaker 1:

She blew that up. As a matter of fact, she wouldn't let a realtor in the house. So the house went back to the bank with the $130,000 with it. They didn't cut me a check back. They're just like thank you, mr Rubin, this is awesome. I'm like you gotta be kidding me. Okay, so I went back. The equity gone, it goes to trial. It shouldn't have went to trial. Okay, it goes to trial.

Speaker 1:

And I'm telling my side of the story. I'm explaining everything I'm explaining to you. And the judge at the end of it was like Mr Rubin, we just think that you could have done it, like you could have figured this out. And so they awarded her somewhere in the neighborhood $43, $4,400 a month for four years. That I had to pay and I took it on the chin. I'm like this must be what it is.

Speaker 1:

So when I saw that everything could go wrong in my life at least the way I saw it I said it's time to do what you need to do for you. So I went out and started my own business, went into face consulting, started to I wanna be a speaker, I wanna be a writer. I wanna get back to those things. Excuse me, they were already deposited in me. I already had receipts before this relationship. Let's get back to it.

Speaker 1:

Then it comes out a few weeks later some really important details. And again, for the people who know me, they already know what the details are. But my marriage was annulled and everything that the judge ordered. He reversed to the point where she owed me money. And so I'm like keep the same energy, the same money that you. Now the money she owes me is about a year to a year and a half worth of child support. So I go to the state of Washington. I'm like, hey, I don't even want to collect it from her, just give me a credit towards child support. And I'll keep it pushing Like, just give me reprieve from child support, cause you guys collected it from me and you shouldn't have, and you're finding that out now. So now, instead of me collecting it from her, keep the same energy and give me a credit you got. Instead of collecting it from her to me, just give me a credit for child support.

Speaker 1:

I fought them for a year. They wouldn't do it. They said it's not in the best interest of the kids for us to do that. I'm like, wait, wait a minute. What? This isn't about the kids. This is about, like I understand, I take care of my kids. This is about y'all collected from me and now that you realize it's a mistake, you don't want to give her the same energy.

Speaker 1:

I fought them for a year, to the point where they said we're going to take away your license, we're going to put you in jail. So I said, okay, I guess I got to put my dream to the side and go back into the car business. That was 2018 and I did both and I paid it back. And have I got a cent? No, does anybody care? No, okay. And that's when I'm like this system to me and the way that it's set up. I'm just giving you my story, but I know other men's stories, excuse me, and I don't even really talk about it anymore, cause at the end of the day, it's like well, when it comes to us, you put yourself there.

Speaker 1:

Joshua AI, 100% agree with that. But then why can't we keep that same energy, no matter who we're talking about? That's the issue that I have with it. And so I just got to a space where I realized that that's the ecosystem and I, like I said I do for my kids, like I don't, like it shouldn't even be a thing where you have to say you do for your kids, but there's such a stigma around men and I would say especially black men when it comes to raising their kids, that we actually have to say that cause the caveat is, or the feeling is, that we don't and I don't, and that gets pushed. That's a thing. But I take care of them, I love them, they're my it, they're my all to the point where sometimes it's overboard. I don't care, that's me, and I've been in this system and I've seen how it hasn't worked for me and I'm almost like man. Should I be penalized for being able to do this? So in being able to do this, that means that I should. And how long should someone be connected to a person after we realize this isn't working? So that's a small example of my story and why this article even matters to me and we'll move along to it. But that's my side, king, I mean.

Speaker 1:

And again, let me tell you guys something else Joshua was really pivotal in helping me, like I know you help a lot of people, not in just our personal relationship, but in our coaching relationship.

Speaker 1:

Understand my part, understand my perspective. And Joshua wasn't the only people I had. Friends I had, you know. I mean goodness gracious my brother, joe Rubin, my another friend of mine, best friend, ebo Jack, another friend, jesse Nipiaz, reggie Brown, walked me through it. I had all of these men that were sitting there holding me while I'm going through this and at the end of the day, all they were concerned about was Jeremy, keep your head. Like, don't let this steal your time, like this is a part of life sometimes, but it can alter you and your trajectory for the rest of your life If you let that bitterness and unforgiveness settle in and you don't move in a direction that really works for you. Take it back, and you know, take it back. And I've been working to get to a space and it took years I've been working to get to a space to do just that.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, how do you look at this? What Tyrese is going through in his situation? What do you? I mean obviously super successful. You know, at a different level, this isn't. He's not the first person right To go through having a super successful career and then a public breakup to some degree and obviously have children involved. What, what do you glean? No, I actually like this question. What advice would you give Tyrese?

Speaker 1:

My advice, one of the things that I realized, and being it's really tough to compartmentalize being angry at your ex without taking it out on your kids. Ooh, because remember, half of their DNA is her DNA or his DNA.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

When you're taught, when, regardless of what someone goes through, that's still their mom or that's still their daddy, and what I found was I would look at my kids and be hyper. Things that they would do would remind me of her, just because, again, her DNA is there. And then I'm sitting here not understanding that they're their own people and I'm like I just want to make sure this doesn't happen or that doesn't happen, and I feel like I got to a space where and again, I'm so much better now. I I mean healed so much better. But I could have got to a space where me and them didn't have a really the regiment would have been so legalistic, so discipline oriented. So this is right, this is wrong. There is no gray, you know where. They weren't even allowed to be human, because I'm being triggered by you know their mother, and I would just say you got to really watch that, you got to really create peace so that the home that you want, which really you want to be connected to your kids can actually take place. I would also say another big thing for me is I lost a lot of time, you know I was so in that victim energy. I was so, and there's a space for that. Nothing tears you up like a divorce. So I'm not saying that, but I'm saying even as I was moving towards healing.

Speaker 1:

If I didn't really do anything about it, I would have just lost years of my life Thinking about what I could have should have did, running scenarios like if I would have handled the past like this, if I just would have went left instead of right, and then I'm avoiding and not approaching the. I can't see the opportunity in front of me because I'm just focused on the past and what I should have did and what I could have did. And you see it in how you talk and you see it in your friends and people that talk when they're constantly talking about an ex or they're constantly talking about a job that they lost, or they're constantly talking about what somebody did. And years go by, months go by, decades go by, and you're still there. You are not living today. You were stuck in the past and you will lose time because you're not in the present, you're just in the past.

Speaker 1:

And then you look up five, seven years have gone by and you're like, whoa, this relationship took more out of me than the time I was there. It actually took away part of my future, which is now a part of my past too. So I would just say those two things man, forgive and find a way to get your mind right so that you don't inadvertently take it out on your children. And then, secondly, get your mind right, because the real cost is time and you can never get that back. You can't repair time. It's gone. You know what I'm saying. You can repair a relationship, you can't repair time. You can't get that time back. So those would be my two things if I had anything to say about it.

Speaker 2:

Thank you. How have you gotten your mind right?

Speaker 1:

Because, I can still feel a lot, of, lot of energy there yeah that is a great energy, bad energy, whatever Is this, there's a, there's an intensity and a conviction that I was going to be an energy there, because for the for the longest time, what I did was I looked at myself and I said you must be a piece of shit for these things to happen. Ok, let's keep looking for the wrong in you, and all I did was focus on where I felt short. I was. You didn't. I didn't need no critique. I mean, I was my biggest critic.

Speaker 1:

Now, again, there's a double S sword, right, because it's the whole that isn't healed. That was driving me in a lot of areas to do things that I didn't want to do. But I had to prove to myself that I was great in spite of it. But even in the proven to myself, I didn't know, and so that became this toxic cycle of constantly needing things to be in front of me, to, to create, to, to do, receipt after receipt after receipt. To prove to who nobody that I was good enough, because the people who love me already knew I was good enough and that thing didn't work out. So that's inconsequential. So who am I talking to? I'm talking to me, and I think that that was the biggest impact is I stopped looking at my light and I started looking for cracks in the armor and when I will find a crack in the armor, I'd say that's why you're right where you're at.

Speaker 1:

That's why my self talk Fuck what I was saying on Facebook and social media and lifting everybody up my self talk was trash About who I am and what I can do and what I can accomplish. When I did something great, that's what you're supposed to do. Man up when I didn't, when I didn't do something great or I fell short. That's why you're in the situation you're in. I didn't need anybody abusing me. I was abusing my damn self. And so I think you know I really, I really had to work to get to a space where I said you know what, jeremy, you're never going to be perfect, ever, but I love you Like, I love you, I love you, I love, I love how you make people feel when you go into a room. I love like, let me look at the like, let me look at all of it. You know, and you're a really good person and I had to get to a space to work on the relationship I had with myself.

Speaker 1:

My relationship with everybody else was cool. I'm a level four, serving without boundaries. I that's what I love to serve others. So my relationship with everybody else was cool but, unbeknownst to me, it actually wasn't that great. I was using the inappropriate servicing to serve as a receipt for people who are not. Opportunity, excuse me, for people to tell me who I am, because I wasn't sure of it. Let me just keep going above and beyond for you. Let me be the hero in your story, because I can't be the hero on my own. Yeah, and that you know. Facebook message oh, you really came through. That hug, that love was enough for me to say I'm worth it today.

Speaker 1:

But then I had to go to the next room. I didn't believe it from myself, and so I think that that becomes everybody and how they are impacted by hurt is different. But it really comes down to what does the relationship look like with yourself? Right, and if the relationship with yourself is trash, I don't care what you tell me. But you know I don't care is trash, I don't care what you do create, show how you love. It's all out of pain, it's all out of the hole. So you're just, you're hurting yourself. It ain't real. Yeah, you know what I mean. Yeah, and I still struggle to say no, I still struggle to be like this is what I plan for myself. So I got to say no to this because, again, old habits die hard. That's an opportunity to get, but when you know yourself, you can have those boundaries. You go, hey, I can't do that, because I said I was going to do this, but hey, we can have some time later or we can do something later. And that creates your confidence and that creates a space where you can actually make spaces for your gifting and all the things that you want to do. And, like I said, it's tough and I and I and I don't care if it's a divorce, a bad breakup, moving away from family, that you're like this isn't working anymore.

Speaker 1:

When you talk about severing yourself from someone or something that you love, the way I looked at it was like the track is broken, like your use, your mind is used to doing a certain thing, like even right now, even, joshua, you have a very unconventional schedule because you own your own business, you own two businesses. You're constantly traveling and when you come home, there are certain things that you just know are going to happen. You know how your kids are going to greet you, you know where your room is right, things that you just, you just don't even take Like you. You know, you know how Amber is going to greet you, you know when she's irritated, when she's not like, you know what the the system looks like. But the moment that's severed, the moment someone dies, the moment there's a divorce, the moment you have to put up a hard boundary, the track is broken. What you're used to isn't there. And so you know, sometimes you go into numbing, which I did.

Speaker 1:

I posted about this man, I would have TD Jakes on my phone and I have a bottle of vodka in my other hand. I want to be free, no matter how it comes, I just don't want to feel it Right. So you, so you have this numbing. That happens when the track breaks. Because you're used to feeling a certain way. I would, I would wash my clothes and I don't like folding clothes anyway, but I will put my clothes in my bed next to me. So it felt like there were people in my bed because I was kids in my bed, and then your single dad. There's no kids in your bed, so I would leave the clothes there. So when I was sleeping, at least something was next to me. At least I wasn't in this. Bro, I still sleep as if I got a king size bed and I sleep as if there's six other people in the room. I sleep on the very edge as if there are other people occupying my bed. It's just this. Just is what it is.

Speaker 1:

But here's what I realized about the track is that, once it breaks, the cool part about is if the worst in your mind can happen, then the best can happen. You can rebuild the track to whatever you want it to look like, and that is where the work happens. How do I rebuild the track? How do I? Because now this situation isn't a boundary anymore for what I want. So how do I get to what I want? And if you have the courage to do that, then, like we say, there is no bad situation, right, there's just either something to learn, something to create, an opportunity to grow, but you got to get there.

Speaker 1:

Now I do have a question for you, because you have a practice like where you're constantly coaching people, and I know if you're practicing anything like mine, you got a lot of successful people that on the outside it looks fantastic. They got the CEO, they got the. You know, they got all of the degrees, they have all of the titles and, in my practice at least, a lot of things. What spurred people to come in was the relationship front was trash and they want to help. How does, like either my story or what you were, what we were talking about with Tyrese, play into that level one, level two, energy that we talk about when you're taking the assessment? Like, how does that real raw space to be in relationship that may not be serving you show up when you're doing your assessment?

Speaker 2:

That's just another way in terms of yeah.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so like when you? Because again, I should just give you the clear answer, but I was trying to give people some color, like I know for a fact that in in, in the least, in my coaching, I had a lot of people that were in that level one, level two energy. Where they were, either it's me against you or kind of look at me, woe is me. There's a lot of victim stuff and it was connected to relationships that weren't serving them. Yeah, even if they didn't know it, it was connected to relationships that didn't serve them. So I would just I was asking, like, as you talk about, as we look at, like myself or Tyrese in court, literally it's like it's me against you. How does that show up energetically?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I, I think that well, I know when you're feeling these, when you're ruminating over thoughts. You feel like life is happening to you. You have no control over it. I have to do something, that type of language, or I'm being forced to do something. That type of language, you know, we uncover in my, in my coaching practice through the energy leadership index assessment.

Speaker 2:

We really pinpoint the thoughts that are contributing to your victim level energy, which is the lowest level of energy, which is victim energy, and we're not judging that. It is what it is. Your ability to see, what you see is based on your level of consciousness, from your life experiences, the things that you've gone through, how you see them. And so, when you're in your level one or level two energy and the next level up, level two, is combative energy right, it's a very like, I hate you. You must lose type of energy. When you're in that catabolic energy is very draining. Right, your, your, your, your, your actions are inspired from a very survival, fear based mindset, and so we help people get clear on. Well, those are choices. You chose to participate in a situation that didn't serve you.

Speaker 1:

What do you mean?

Speaker 2:

What do you mean? No, no, no, no. She did X, y and Z. Yeah, and I did this, but she didn't have to hold on hold, on hold.

Speaker 2:

On Level seven, energy shows up and says all right, you're the creator of the observer and you're also the participant in your ecosystem. I encourage people to take a front row seat as the observer and look at their situation objectively. This is so powerful because the moment you begin to take accountability around what you have allowed and what you have not allowed, people walk away, especially from time with me, consistent time with me, and again I don't have the answers. I'm not here to save you. I'm not here to tell you what to do. I am here to hold up a mirror so you can see yourself clearly, without judgment, without assuming things, without interpreting things, without facts, and we destroying the limiting belief that surrounds your mind, which would make you look at a situation like going to court, like a divorce, like infidelity, like a number of things that emerge from relationships, and we get clear on what role did you play in what happened? I don't care about what they did. I don't care about how they're doing it, when they're doing it, what they're doing. I care about you getting clear on how can you save yourself from this situation by making different choices. It's upsetting you. So now we're in level two energy, now we're in combative energy and again, I'm not saying that you shouldn't be on that sometimes. I'm just saying let's consciously access that when it's appropriate so you can maintain alignment with what you really want, because there's a time to fight, there's a time to take control of the situation, to assure your win, and there's times when that's not to your advantage. Because no matter how you show up, no matter what behaviors you exhibit or showcase, there's an advantage and there's a disadvantage. Let's just do the behaviors. Once we're clear on, consciously, our options of behaviors that we can pick from looking at our energy levels, let's make the most optimal choice that's in alignment with where you ultimately want to land.

Speaker 2:

So when I look at you, brother, and I listen to your story and again, I haven't been through that specifically, but there are some things that we can glean from that in a number of places in our life where we're thinking about all right, I'm feeling like a victim. I'm feeling like this is happening to me. What was me? Well, why did you stay? Oh, you thought you were going to get something out of it that was going to serve your long-term goal and it didn't.

Speaker 2:

But we got to acknowledge you stay, consciously stay, because you thought you were going to get something. If I just ignored it long enough, maybe they'll have a change of heart, maybe they'll see value in me, maybe they won't keep treat me like a piece of shit if I have dinner ready for them Now. That has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with what you're tolerating, because we're all tolerating a level of something, no matter what relationship you find yourself in. So, going through what it takes to break free from something that has an emotional hold on you, a spiritual hold on you, a number of things that are making you feel like you're stuck People ultimately comes down from you making some hard decisions and choices and living through those things without interfering with where you ultimately want to land, and really it's letting go of what you thought ideally was your best case scenario.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, Keep your expectations low. And that's the thing right, because again we're talking about something that typically in our culture, is elevated as this huge goal marriage.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Or even just being in a relationship. What are you single for? Like find a person Like what are you doing? Like you can't even be single without people asking what's wrong with you. Yeah Right, there's got to be something wrong with you, yeah so, and we know that the number is moving even further than 50% when we talk about divorce, and we also know that that is a huge emotional and heterosexual relationship. Oh, you won't go there. What did you find?

Speaker 2:

I just wanted to you know, because we use it as the rubric of and totally understandable right.

Speaker 1:

But that's not traditionally, that's what it has been. But we got. So what have you learned in this, in this new?

Speaker 2:

day. In this new day, the divorce rate amongst lesbian couples is 75%, and one of the biggest reasons for divorce in those spaces is domestic violence.

Speaker 1:

Wait, wait, wait, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.

Speaker 2:

Domestic violence drives the divorce rate in lesbian relationships.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so let me go back a little bit. So when heterosexual couples is 50%, in lesbian couples, you're saying it's 75% and the biggest factor is domestic violence, yes. And when you say lesbian, you're talking about a woman with another woman, A woman with another woman, Okay. So you're saying that's 25% of the women's marriage. 25% of the women's marriage is 25%. So you're saying that's 25% of the women's marriage is 25%. 25% of the women's marriage is 25%.

Speaker 2:

Man we're out here, you know. I just I thought it was interesting because I never heard those stats before. But go look them up, go fact check them. Google's available for the world. Go ask, chat, GPT.

Speaker 1:

So, Joshua, are you saying that?

Speaker 2:

women are the problem. What are you saying, joshua? I'm not saying women are the problem. I'm saying that there exists an opportunity for people to take accountability. Yeah, More accountability is what I'm saying. Yeah, the answer is accountability.

Speaker 2:

It's ownership of behavior and actions and when you are trapped in a victim mindset that this isn't your fault. This happened to me. I can't believe what he did. I can't believe what she did, can you, oh my God, no, no, no, no, stop it, stop it right now. You know why you're there, you know what you have excused, you know what you saw. But we got kids, we got properties, we got this, we got that.

Speaker 2:

I'm holding on to a vision and a dream that I want to see through and I'm not even judging it or knocking it. That's not what I'm saying, that. But when you get to a point where it's just not working out the way I thought it was, it's time to get rid of this Time, to let it go. So my point is how that shows up, depending on the relationship dynamics. That's a phenomenon. I don't have the information to go any deeper with that, I think. But underneath it, all of it is accountability of your behaviors. And again, I'm not telling you to agree with what people do, but we have to accept where we are as a society and there is very, very convenient ways to release being held accountable for what it is that you're doing or not doing in a relationship to maintain and keep it together. The modern day system around the traditional constructs of marriage is very tumultuous. We have so many options available to us. We have so many of this, so many of that. It needs a revolution. It needs a revolution. Oh, leader, yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 1:

What do you see, sir?

Speaker 2:

What do you mean? What do I see? I mean, you know I'm looking, just looking at the data, like everybody else. Clearly we have. You know there's an opportunity here values and things are, or how we understand life today and what it means to thrive and live and be successful. You know there's a lot to be learned here and we're still trying to hold on to something I don't think serves a modern day person. That's my personal opinion. I still got to research that a little bit.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, no, I mean, but that's valid. I mean, I think that whoever, because there's also some other truths, right?

Speaker 2:

Absolutely. That's how I live, man. There's multiple truths, multiple perspectives, all that one.

Speaker 1:

Just don't say this is my truth, my brother, he's my truth. Like there's no truth, everybody got their truth.

Speaker 2:

Everybody got their, but it is. Everybody has their truth, but the truth is the truth with a capital T is includes the multiple truths that everybody may have. That's their own. It is not in one person walking around with the truth, it is in the collection, the collective truths that everybody has. Because I can only see so far, I have a vantage point from my experience, you have a vantage point from your lived experience, and together the truth will emerge.

Speaker 2:

That's why we need people walking around being authentic. We need people walking around free to be themselves, unapologetically, because there's truth there that we can't access when we oh, I'm going to shrink and hide behind this person because this person looks like they're going to get less resistance if I follow that path. Oh, that's why I'm a Christian. I don't want to rock the boat. I might have some other thoughts, but it looks like these Christians here. It's safer to be a part of this Christian community because I'll get, I won't be rejected, I won't be cast away and we're all dealing with.

Speaker 2:

How do we maintain connection to community, sometimes communities that don't even service anymore and we're too afraid to go find our people based on where we think now, based on our lived experience, based on our lifestyle, based on what we want to do. And so we find ourselves trying to connect with people that just aren't where you are, and that's okay. But there's a fear to hold on. Uh-oh voila relationships, voila marriages. There's a fear to let that go when it no longer serves you, because what's the community going to think? Am I going to be rejected? There were things that I was getting out of this, that how am I going to get that somewhere else? So all this goes on not judging it, but that's what comes into my practice is how do we make these tough decisions like yourself, like Tyrese? Right, he's fighting back, whatever his, his truth is that he understands it, but there's a fight going on to establish what it is that you want out of life, and it's going to come down with some loss. It's going to come down to losing some things.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and re-adjusting, yeah. And I mean, even when you say that, when I actually look and take accountability for my part, that I realized that you know she was who she was the entire time. It was me I was trying to force it to be something I was trying to create. You know what I'm saying. Like, if I'm being real, talks to the people now, right, she was consistent and who she was. My ego, my well, I got kids with you now. So this is what it's going to look like. My I was the one saying this is where it's going to be and this is how it's going to move, because that works for me. And it never did Right, and I realized that even the stress and pressure showed me that I could do things that I never thought that I could do.

Speaker 1:

Great things Like great things Like that. Just Even under, even under fire, he just showed up. Yeah, it gave it. Put me in touch with. How you allow. What you allow in an environment or how you allow someone to treat you is less about them and more about how you see yourself.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

And instead of just saying I mean who doesn't want a situation where they can do whatever they want to do and somebody just allows it? I mean we can all say, oh no, no, not me, I'm a great part. No, we all want to get our way from time to time, more time than itself. It's just part of the human nature, right? It was up to me to say this isn't working for me. Now I also say this that that situation and how I had to maneuver and evolve, ultimately all of it is going to make me greater for whoever is in my presence. You know what I'm saying. Like I'm a better person. I'm a better partner now because of the lessons that I've had to learn over this last decade and a half. So when I get to a space where I'm ready to choose somebody, that's a lucky person. I couldn't tell you that years ago. I'm thinking I'm lucky for someone that if they, I'm lucky who will just have me. Like it's insane where your mind goes when you stick in environments that aren't for you. But you're the environment because there's also some other things. I was getting out of it right. Like I did not have to. As long as I survived, I was good. I have to be some better version of myself. All I had to do was operate in chaos, and here you get a gold star.

Speaker 1:

But being in relationship with somebody that you quote unquote think is your level, or moving in the same direction, you are being in relationship level up and see what comes with that. Now the person's like, hey, like you just showing up day to day, that's not enough. We're about something. So did you do this, this, that and the third this week? And you don't want to hear that either. So, wait, what do you mean that I do this, that and the third? Well, no, did you like? Hey, I'm your mirror, you're slacking this week. Let's take it up a notch. Can you hear that without being discouraged or feeling defeated? Like again. So, like again. It's a double S sword, no matter what you're talking about.

Speaker 1:

But, like you say all the time, josh, well, you got to pick your pain. So I think, when we get above it, like you said, if you take extreme accountability, I think for the people that aren't in this situation or are looking to either get out there again or are like man, I'm in a season where I want to find my person. Okay, just understand that, whatever happens, in most cases I would say we see it coming, the flags are there and what we dismissed today, maybe the same thing that we are like, oh, this is this isn't working tomorrow. Yeah, but at the end of the day, if you can take accountability and say you know, I was there even with all that, and not try to turn the next person into a demon or whatever you're not, you're not. You're not helping anything by turning the other person into demons. As a matter of fact, you're diminishing your capacity to go out and win because you're carrying the heaviness.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely.

Speaker 1:

So just take accountability that yep, this was my part. It didn't work. Next, moving on. Yeah, I've evolved from the pain. Yep, now what's the next thing to do? And it's a process. It's a process.

Speaker 2:

You know, if it was that simple, we would have, you know, minimal blowback on a lot of tumultuous situations that involve love, the heart. You know expectations not being met, a number of things, and so it's a process. And again, surrounding yourself with really dope people that allow you to be fully expressed, no matter what season you're in, is always to your benefit. You know, I can't advocate enough for coaching therapy, good people that want to see you win, good people that are comfortable and that you're comfortable bleeding out in front of right, that, that, that, that, that that allow you to hurt and talk. Man, I'll call this dude and this happened, man, and that happened.

Speaker 2:

And here we are and we're all in my own. The same topic for weeks. Yep, we might be on the same topic for weeks, but it takes the time that it takes. But that's what life is about finding people that you can connect with that you don't mind being open and honest with. And guess what? Those, those people will hurt you too, yeah, so there's a, there's a, there's a. There's a risk, you know, in being you there's a risk in fully being you and fully expressed.

Speaker 1:

That's the risk.

Speaker 2:

That's the risk, and if you're not willing to take that risk, you will find yourself in incomplete relationships more of the time, because there's not a complete relationship that is absent of pain, that is absent of the heartache and turmoil. That is a complete relationship. If you are experiencing those emotions as well, you're in a complete relationship, especially if it's balanced with love, care, concern. Apologies, my bad damn. I didn't mean that. This is what was going on with me. You just caught a stray. This had nothing to do with you, yeah Right. But being able to communicate that clearly and effectively with people that are around you, that love you and want to see you win and really fuck with what you're journey, that is why. That is why you should be as much as you as you can be more of the time in front of more people. More often, anything short of that, you're going to find yourself in catabolic relationships that are avoidant, that are combative, absent of support, absent of inclusivity, absent of authenticity, absent of being authentic. Right, if all that is unraveled because we're stuck in these lower energy levels and how we relate. Well, you got a lot of work to do. Yeah, you got a lot of work to do, and don't expect life, don't expect a different experience from life without being more of yourself more of the time, because the right people will find you. Trust me, you are a light. Do not dim it in relationships because they don't serve you or you're afraid to move on and be you. Trust me, if that's the job, if that's the marriage, if that's the homies that you grew up with, for years and years and years, everything's temporary. Do not waste your time in temporary situations that are temporary. Marriage is not forever. It's temporary. One day you will die, or you will divorce, or it will come to an end. So don't live your life and again I'm talking to myself too. Do not live your life participating in spaces that shrink you and keep you from being your most authentic you, because that person will never walk to earth again. That person will never. There will not be another string of experiences to produce you ever again. It is a gift to be here. So we have to take life by the horns and live it, or we just won't, and one day you'll look up and be like damn, I wish I should have could have.

Speaker 2:

These is why these conversations are so important to remind us of our power, even in all the pop culture news that comes up and it's entertaining, and time reaches this and it's 20K a month, and this, that and the other, and did he that? And a string of all these allegations coming out, not knocking it. But let's remind ourselves we're human and whatever they're going on is a mirror back to us about what we need to be mindful of, what's going on in our own lives, so we can move and adjust our course correctly, in a way that's more in alignment with what we want to experience. It's your ecosystem. You are creating it, you're a participant and observe it. Sometimes Step back and say is this really what I want? Is this really working for me? Invite people into your life that can hold that mirror up and give you some perspective on your blind spots, because they're there. They are there.

Speaker 2:

Some people are walking around ignorant that they didn't have anything to do with the blind spot that's been created. No, you've been created to have blind spots. Yep, you've been creed. That's the design. You've been created to be blind. You can't know everything about you, so you need your communities around you to help you spot the places that you don't know. That's why our relationship is so important. That's why that person you're looking for, or the Persons you're looking for, is so important to your journey. Do not hide because you're afraid to be hurt. It is not worth it. You are worth the hurt and the pain that it takes to be in relationship with you. So that's my two cents on it came.

Speaker 1:

Oh, man, I used to when I was on I remember the last speaking circuit I was on I would tell everybody you are a star. Do not dim your light to accommodate the darkness around you. Hmm, and I feel like so many people, myself included, yeah, dim our light to accommodate the negative, to accommodate what's being said, to accommodate it's like all this accommodation. And then one day you just slow down and you realize what, wait, wait, I was accommodating everybody but me, yeah, and so I, just, like I said I made a decision I don't know, it's probably been, actually it's been a transformative just a few weeks ago. I'm gonna be like Jim Carrey and yes, man, you know, I'm saying I'm saying yes to everything. What do we do? You know, you know, my boy Adrian Sims there's another one that was holding me up. You need me to watch as he. Yes, okay, that's my nephew. Like I, I'm just saying, yes, my boy Ebo has a birthday.

Speaker 1:

Seattle, oh, I don't know where. We, where they at there, what? Okay, we're getting there. Yes, we're going to games. Yes, by bingo. Yes, like, because I've been saying we all been saying no for a long time, we saying no and just be at home doing nothing.

Speaker 2:

For people that doing nothing at home is is is Is to their, to their benefit.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, we're not knocking on my knockin.

Speaker 2:

You gotta find your yeses to say yes to and your no. Is it say no to absolutely and find and find more of who you, who you're trying to access by putting yourself in uncomfortable situations. Yeah, you, only.

Speaker 1:

You know that and only you know that, because there's a lot of people that want to do something scary or new or different, and it's struggle to take the first step. Yep, absolutely. So the only step, the thing there's no step it's just to say yes and just to show up, show what we outside, we're outside, we talk about, we outside, we outside, okay, we showed up, we're out here, yeah, and then from there let's create the life that we want absolutely. There's pleasure usual.

Speaker 2:

King, hey, always a pleasure man. Thank you so much for me and crafts. Another banger for the people. I think they can. There's a number of ways they can access us on online social media. Sent us an email, take it off. Podcast is on Spotify. It's on A podcast on the Apple store. You can, you know, access it on the Google podcast there's, we're just everywhere and Download it, share it.

Speaker 2:

This week I had a number of folks in my discovery sessions looking for you know, being inquisitive about my coaching services, and that found me through the podcast. So I appreciate the consistent listening and Engaging. You get a little bit about how I, about my perspective on things, but really, people deserve spaces to be safe enough to be brave and that's really what we Encourage here is that once we find the safety to be us, then it's another level to be brave, to be you in front of people and risk being rejected and Risk being received. Sometimes we're afraid to be received because like, oh, oh, wait a minute, I'm still getting used to this version of me. I know that went through that when I lost 80 pounds and I'm like, yeah, I mean a compliment.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, what's the deal with it? What's it? Do it for me. I'm not used to get out out to big Marcus that Shout out to my guy, big Marcus man.

Speaker 2:

He is in the midst of a transformative. People miss fool name.

Speaker 1:

Give me a small Marcus harden. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2:

Where is he hard in the ATL? Yeah, yeah, oh.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, go ahead, sorry, I'm. Yeah, we ran into him in vibe. Well, again, he's a vibe, but we ran into him in vibe bingo and I saw the guys weight loss transformation online. But it's another thing to see him in person Now. He's been the same height since he was 14. Yeah, but I looked at, he looked taller, like my guy was out here how much he's he lost my guy, was he?

Speaker 2:

what is he sick? He might. What is he? Six, six, gotta be six. Six north of north of 400 pounds at one time, I believe. Yep, he's down to 235, 235, row it. He's 20. What is it he's about? He's 25 pounds heavier than myself. I grabbed him and I thought I could. I thought I could just just you know, cuz I've been in the way from doing little chess work. I thought I could body slam this guy, but I we always just grew up calling him big Marcus because he was. He's not big Marcus anymore, he's a big guy. This guy is tall, lean Marcus. Now he's model Marcus, he's model. I like that.

Speaker 1:

Marcus, I already told him. See, god knows what he's doing. He knows better than to give me the the fortitude to stick to it, to be 235. You won't find me anymore, okay. He walking down the street naked, huh. Bro, I'm trying it all after my tenth modeling contract Okay, I am, I'm not wearing clothes anymore.

Speaker 2:

I'm out, take it off. Take it off, I'm in court for another reason.

Speaker 1:

I'm gonna be like hey look, this is how it started. Okay, we got ashamed and then we put clothes on, but God was like to show up naked. That's what I did, that's what we did back. Hey I understand there's a separation between church and state, so I'm gonna take these charges, yeah, but I feel good about walking out here, butt ass. But again, that's why I'm where I'm at.

Speaker 2:

That's love great, shout out man to the, to the guy man. That's what the he, he I mean, he gave me some flowers in person about he did, what? What we have been through and and just being, you know, an inspiration for people. And you know that's what it's about people, we inspire each other and If we're not doing that, if iron is not sharpening iron, we're remaining dull, we're been remaining unused and we're not being effective for whatever kingdom you've been sent to serve.

Speaker 2:

And this podcast allows us to have a voice, to be able to encourage those thoughts and actions and reach out. You need a coach. You need to talk to somebody like do it? Yeah, I might be the same price as a really expensive Louis Vuitton bag, but you don't need another bag. You need time to vote it to yourself, to carve out space to get curious about you and who you are, and you cannot do that alone. No, that's not the design. I'm sorry. You can walk around ignorant about who you are and your power, as you want to, but the people I've been been here to serve, like my brother Ruben, mr Marcus.

Speaker 1:

Oh, you just serve in the community.

Speaker 2:

Ha big pause on that pause, on the big pause. Anyway, we know what, we have a fun. You know what I mean. Yeah, we know what you find the people find your people find, your people find the people find your people and so, anyway, like, download, share, leave a comment, rate and review us. That all helps the algorithms and all the things that we need to stay a relevant.

Speaker 1:

So, in this day of media and social, Whatever in the noise, all that in the noise. We want to stand out absolutely. But here's a thing when you got canceled, yet Even if we don't hey, it's a even if we don't make whatever we're supposed to, because it's never again, the levels never. It's never enough, is what I've realized. Facts, it's the fact that we're together, we're celebrating each other, we're celebrating the people that we love and the people that we're helping. That's enough. Yeah, we'll talk.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Well, man have a good night bro.

Speaker 2:

Man, that's all. That's all we can do, man, is have. Have good nights, man, and continue to Continue to do it. No, we do, sweet lady, oh, oh, would you be my sweet love for the take it off podcast.

Speaker 1:

I am Jeremy Rubin, speaking for Joshua Fields.

Speaker 2:

We're out now. Any other day I would play you cool.

Speaker 1:

Okay, okay, we're dead. Can you say goodbye, I'm ready Go.

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