Take it off! See. Love. Grow.

How to Have the Tough Conversation.

• Joshua Fields & Jeremy Rubin • Episode 46

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Ever dread the heart-pounding moment when someone says, "We need to talk"? Joshua and Jeremy strip away the fear surrounding tough conversations and reveal how embracing them can be a liberating step toward growth. This episode is a treasure trove of insights—from the essentials of effective communication to the freedom of direct, respectful dialogue. They share their personal and professional experiences with difficult discussions and how these have shaped our paths during challenging times.

Episode Article: https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.google.com/url?q%3Dhttps://hbr.org/2017/05/how-to-have-difficult-conversations-when-you-dont-like-conflict%26amp;sa%3DD%26amp;source%3Deditors%26amp;ust%3D1708914235012549%26amp;usg%3DAOvVaw1s3oXgw-d1IjuAbCn95BVJ&sa=D&source=docs&ust=1708914235023609&usg=AOvVaw3bb4-_4kYGwfT1379vMcc9

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Co-Host: Joshua Fields ACC, CPC, & Master ELI Practitioner
Website: https://joshuafields.coach/    
Instagram: https://instagram.com/joshuaafields?igshid=NDc0ODY0MjQ=
Email List: https://archive.aweber.com/newsletter/awlist6189433 

Co-Host: Jeremy Rubin, Keynote Speaker, Author, Consultant, Sales Leader
Website: http://faceconsultinggroup.com/
Instagram: https://instagram.com/ajeremyrubinstory?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Speaker 1:

Welcome to take it off podcast where we see love grow. I am your co-host, jeremy Rubin, and I'm back with my guy, joshua a. What must I say? What must I do? I'm so done. The fact show how that I can hear you through all these walls in this house. I'm thinking about thinking, oh, I suppose to open up with my guy To be defeated by Jodeci. Yeah, hey, I'm running that back. I'm sure I've done that a number of times, but Jodeci is just that 90s R&B group. I'm your co-host, joshua Fields, right here with my guy to take it off podcast Episode number two of 2024. We rocking and rolling. This comes in an episode number 46. Is that correct? Episode 46. 46. That's what I'm saying. Executive coach by trade Party DJ by night and, yeah, your neighborhood fitness hero. Oh, so you're whatever Gotham needs you to be. Okay, whatever they need me to be, I'll be your villain, I'll be your hero. But just know I'm a B Me. Oh, I'm so done with you. Welcome back, community.

Speaker 1:

Today's episode is entitled how to have the tough conversation, and every note one out there knows the conversation and what conversation they need to have. For them. There's a conversation you're avoiding because you don't want to be disliked, outcasted. You may be enabling or holding on to something or someone that isn't serving you. There is literally a life you are participating in and if you want to change it, you need to muster up the courage to out of the words. We need to talk. So for today's conversation, we're going to leave it. Not the, not the. We need to talk, we need to talk. There's a lot of people that need to utter those words. That is so anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, written. Oh, hey, don't get the text in the middle of the day. Hey, we need to talk.

Speaker 1:

But see, that's the problem is, it's like it does. It's just information. Right, it's not. Is it good? Is it bad? No, it's just Now. You arrive, now, you just navigate the. Can we talk conversations so well? That's why I don't like you podcast people. You guys get on here. You started preaching about the so-called projected right thing to do and you ain't doing it. So here's the thing I've had a lot of difficult conversations in the last year.

Speaker 1:

Sometimes I don't have all mine. I don't have all mine. No, no, no, no. You had a lot of difficult conversations too, but I think you're correct in that whole. We need to talk.

Speaker 1:

There becomes that anxiety because a lot of times we we don't have that muscle to be able to hear difficult information and just navigate through, just accept it is what it is. Whatever the information is yeah, it's. It may be convenient, it may be something that you don't want to hear, but it's not necessarily. The information is not going to kill you, right? And but I get it, that anxiety around information. So there's a lot of people that are like you know, I'm not going to be able to hear it.

Speaker 1:

There's a lot of people that are out there. They're needing to have a conversation, and today we're going to be leaning on an article published by the Harvard Business Review entitled how to have Difficult Conversations when you Don't Like Conflict. The article reads Avoiding or delaying a difficult conversation can hurt your relationships and create other negative outcomes. You can't be neutral at first, especially if you dread discord, but you can learn to dive into these tough talks by re framing your thoughts. Does that bring up for you, josh? I mean, what's the saying you went early on in our, in our relationship, used to say that a difficult conversation your freedom is on the opposite, is on the other side of a difficult conversation, your freedom is on the other side of a tough decision. A lot of times it is having a difficult conversation. Yeah, and that tough decision is is confronted with difficult conversations and really you know, it's actually a work. Example comes up for me Professionally, I know many of our listeners are in professional settings when they may be listening to us or just navigating life.

Speaker 1:

I had gotten into some hot water with my supervisor Now I didn't know why. I didn't know all the ins and outs because I was where this is. During the pandemic I was working remote and some there was it. There was COVID outbreaks happening in the call center, right. So we're just learning how to social distance and white things down and sanitize and a number of things. And again, if you're, I'm remote, my call centers in Lafayette, louisiana, I'm not there on site, not that it would matter anyway, we would still be be learning. So I get, I get a call from my, my supervisor at the time and they get they're going off because we got to report out. A number of people have been. The big issue is when you have a large number of your workforce that has to be quarantined, so now you lose that productivity. You obviously want to make sure people are safe.

Speaker 1:

It's a number of things that go on why this is a big deal. And so I'm getting chewed out like Joshua, you need to manage this and what's your structure, and I need to play like you created COVID. Oh my God, I'm going like wait a minute now and I'm new to the team. So I'm the new guy and I'm just getting lit up and I'm like, oh, ok, yeah, I'm a check in. Then then my supervisor starts going off about you know what. You know they just think that you're an idiot and you don't know what you're doing and you're, you know you sleep at the wheel and just going off. And I'm like they projected some stuff. Oh, what is going on?

Speaker 1:

And so when I heard the word idiot, oh, crushing, why I'm insecure about my role as a new director here. I haven't met anybody in person. I thrive in person. I have to pull from a different skill set to connect virtually right, turning conflict into connection, and so that's going to come with making some difficult conversations happen to help free you. So I'm feeling away about this. I'm like, all right, I actually lock off for a part of the day because I got to get my mind together.

Speaker 1:

I end up calling my boss and I tell this individual. I said I don't know what part of my work has been deemed idiotic, but I've never been referred to my professional career as an idiot in any, any, any form, shape or fashion. I need an understanding about what was meant by that. Back this person up. Well, really, this is what's going on. I'm getting pressure. I'm giving some pressure to you. We got to get this fixed because a number of our call centers are under fire for not having a strategy here. We got to do better.

Speaker 1:

Great Bet, say less, let's get to work, and I was so proud of myself in that moment. Now, again, I'm not perfect at this, but there comes a time when you have to stay, stand up for yourself and it comes with words and you advocating. It's not like I'm reporting to HR. That's all cool, not knocking any of that but there is so much confidence and self-esteem that's built sitting here. I'm nervous. This is my boss, I'm new, I'm still trying to prove myself, but we're not going to do the name calling and make me feel away about something that I know I haven't addressed directly with my team, as I'm learning and getting underneath this.

Speaker 1:

Right, who's wrong in the situation, it doesn't really matter. I just knew how I felt, standing up for me in that moment against a power structure, right, that I was able to combat, to do something about how I was feeling, about Joshua, right, yeah, and so yeah, anyway, that's the example that comes up for me, and I think what comes up for me even around that is that it's interesting when you talk to different people, how they struggle with tough conversations based on what the power structure is. So I know people who would have no problem having a tough conversation with somebody they barely even know. Like I just got to this call, there's a reason you have me here, you're not going to talk to me like that, but would not go home and have an un-come-to-conversation with their partner or with a close friend that they have. So, and then vice versa, there's people who have no problem having a conversation with the people that they know and love, but then have a very difficult time having a conversation with people that they barely know, for a myriad of different reasons that we'll get into.

Speaker 1:

So let's begin with one of the first things the article brings up, which is begin from a place of curiosity and respect and stop worrying about being liked. And I think that this is an interesting tightrope to walk because it's like set the tone First of all, you know, start with your eyes and ears open. Like, begin from a place of curiosity and respect. When I think about curiosity, respect, I think about listening, I think about a I'm not just coming in with an agenda, necessarily, but the tone is curiosity, respect and, at the same time, stop worrying about being liked, because that being liked filter will get you to, and I've been there I don't know on how many occasions where I just need to say something direct, but because I like the person, I'm watering it down, I'm shrinking, I'm moving left and right and people can sense that right. So the question then it becomes is it even an issue? Is this just you?

Speaker 1:

If we go back to what you were saying earlier, if you have some insecurity around yourself, which is natural, but some real insecurity that's running rampant, you know it. What may start off as a place for a great conversation moves into now. You're taking on the blame or you're just sweeping under the rug because it's easier. But anyway, the article goes into conflict. The voiders are often worried about their likeability, while it's natural to want to be like. That's not always the most important thing. Lean into the conversation with an open attitude and a genuine desire to learn. Start from a place of curiosity, respect for both yourself, for both yourself and the other person. Genuine respect and vulnerability typically produce more of the same mutual respect and shared vulnerability. Even when the subject matter is difficult, conversations can remain mutually supportive. Like the other person's point of view and expect them to respect yours. So that's that you know.

Speaker 1:

Again, we're setting the tone for how we want to move into sharing our ideas and communicating difficult information. But I like how this is saying hey, be curious, be respectful of both parties, but also don't worry about being like, just get the information out and such a that. That statement at the end or that phrase in conjunction with respect and being curious and not not having a concern to maintain an emotional connection because you're being curious and respectful. I think that that I mean if we could approach life more around, not necessarily being liked, and just being who you are and being naturally curious. And oh, there's information here. Let me let me think through that. Why is that happening? I think we get we get a lot farther in accessing more of who we are authentically.

Speaker 1:

A lot of work to do. I know I still have a bit of that. All right, how can I say this so I don't destroy this relationship? Or, you know, there's even times where I'm not saying things right, because I'm still trying to maintain this presentation or this projection of who I want you to think I am, absolutely, and so so, yeah, now there's a lot to learn here. I have not arrived, but I'm on my way. Yeah, you're working towards it. We're both. Is that OK? Yeah, like a 90s you know, a 90s journey between two friends, like a road trip. Hey, man, I can't wait for the movie to drop Focus on what you're hearing.

Speaker 1:

So the article goes on to talk about focus on what you're hearing, not what you're saying. Who does that? I'm going to interrupt you because this is my spirit. What does this mean, mr Rubin? Do you ever have these good points during a conflict or argument where, literally, you're holding on to the point because it came up in your head and they're talking, but you've got to hold on to that good point because it's like the, it's the kill shot. You don't? You haven't heard the last three paragraphs because you've been holding on to this point. Yeah, maybe it's just me, but yeah, I got you. You know, it's because because we believe that we're going to communicate something that's going to change someone's mind in real time and that is so rare Like the words that you're going to say, like a movie, are going to somehow pierce their soul and get them to a space where they come around. Well, it's not, it doesn't work that way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And to support that point, the article, I'll paraphrase it here.

Speaker 1:

People who shy away from conflict often spend a huge amount of time mentally rewording their thoughts and, although it might feel like useful preparation, ruminating over what you say can hijack your mind from an entire day of work and energy and effort. You could be pouring into spaces where you are readily received. Say what you need to say. Yep, yeah, here what you need to hear, so you can respond appropriately for what's being said. A lot of this behavior or this, this, this way of being again, you're talking about it through an energy leadership context is avoidant relationship styles. Right, this is a avoidant level, one survivor, victim level, energy that can eat up your ability to process and be anabolic and constructive in what you're trying to get accomplished. But this overly perseverating and overthinking, you know, and there's there's there's reasons why we do it, because we're trying to avoid a certain outcome that might make us feel uncomfortable and I'm saying much like this article is, lean into the conflict. Say what you need to say, be direct and concise and listen for your role and how you can help yourself get through this right.

Speaker 1:

The other person is the other person. You can't control how they're going to respond to what you have to say with this, pairing this with the desire of not being like liked and saying what you need to say. Again, I'm talking about being respectful and curious, but saying what you need to say about what it is that you're uncomfortable with, that you don't have to necessarily accept and that should not be dependent upon if this person will continue to like you or not. I know very much more difficult to say than do, but these are the steps to break through so you can live a more, a more free life. Yeah, and you know, here's the other thing is that this is just how I feel is, if you can't have a direct conversation with someone, chances are it's not that you need to necessarily cut them out of your life, but they probably like if you're scared that speaking your truth is going to destroy the relationship, there's probably not much of a relationship there. It's probably connected to a lot of codependent behavior, old agreements and we've known each other since right and not taking into account that the reality is. Reality changes, people change, people grow. And if you can't have just a direct conversation with somebody and say, hey, this is impacting me or I don't like this, or here are where my boundaries are at, I mean you're not. I mean, what kind of relationship are you participating in? So, in the fear of losing it, what exactly are you losing? And as we roll this way, we start to surround ourselves with people that are okay with that, actually thrive on receiving feedback from us, and I would hope that you would be open to hearing the same. And as you do that, you're just going to move in a direction that benefits the relationship for both of you.

Speaker 1:

This next point expounds on that. It's be direct. It's just be direct. Address uncomfortable situations head on by getting right to the point. Have a frank, respectful discussion where both parties speak frankly about the details of an issue.

Speaker 1:

You know I'm in sales leadership and a lot of times this comes up when I have to let somebody go, like I have a tough time just saying, hey, you're underperforming, you're not doing what you, because, again, I'm connected to man. I know this person has a family yeah, absolutely. So I'm out here and I'm not doing you any favors by creating this world where, guess what, the grass is going to be greener for you somewhere else, because you're still there. So if there's something that you're not doing, that's a blind spot, and we're designed to have these blind spots, and I don't bring that up in conversation. As a leader, I'm not doing you any service, because you'll go to the next spot thinking, oh, they're blessed to have me, yeah, and in the case, they're blessed to have a version of you that you haven't been able to get to, because either no one's being honest with you or people are scared to be honest with you yeah, because if they are, then now we don't got a relationship or you're turning it around on them. But what I've realized? The best thing that I can do is be honest in the moment and be like hey, this is what's going on. This is where I've said that you need to work, this is where you haven't, and so this isn't a fit anymore. I wish you the best moving forward, but getting right to it, because when you try to create these details that make people comfortable, yeah, they may feel better about it. It's not you, it's me. You may feel better about it, but it's not helping you for the next endeavor. Yeah, yeah, no, that's real, that's real. When have you been direct? Do you have an example of you being direct in a difficult conversation, being direct in a very difficult conversation, I would say, or maybe even your struggle to be direct?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I think the person that I have a really tough time with sometimes with my daughter, they're just so much love there, like she just you know she's yeah, she's hoppy, and yet she's still a human being, a whole human being. Hope wants her whole human way, and so in the beginning I really struggled with telling her no and how would impact her feelings. And then I'm like, wait a minute. Actually, at the end of the day, this is my daughter, I'm her dad, I have a job to do, and before I would dance around it and be like let me explain the why and this and the third, and then I get just got to a point where we're like, no, this is what it is. I'm your dad, I have a job to do while you're under this roof. This is what it looks like. It's not always going to be convenient for you, but I'm going to love you regardless of how you feel about my decisions and these decisions are based in love, and I had to just be more secure about how I was moving. So the conversations weren't long 30 to 45 minutes. This is why this is this coddling. It was more like this is just what it is, this is the expectation and this is what you're going to get from your father, and I had to grow into that for sure.

Speaker 1:

So some of my toughest conversations have always been with the people that I love, but lately it's been with just navigating my kids growing up. Yeah, yeah, no, that's fair. That's fair. Yeah, what about yourself? Where I have struggled to be direct? Yeah, you know there's times where I struggle to be direct, what you said about the ones you love being the most difficult to have raw, direct conversations with. There's such a barrier when you're trying to protect somebody's feelings and you're trying to protect them from experiencing an outcome that maybe neither of you want, and you know I can think about. You know, times with my sister, tia, and this one particular time I had and I won't go into too much detail, but I had a pretty like a conversation with my niece, and my niece shares some things with me that I thought my sister should hear and I was hesitant to tell my sister because they're I didn't know how she would receive it.

Speaker 1:

You know, it's like you know so much and I get it Like you're the parent you want your kids to be able to talk to you and not use supplemental adults to you know, have conversations that they're afraid to have with you directly. And you know, again, that's a nod to having a village and a community of people around your loved ones that love your loved ones just as much as you love them. And it's sometimes difficult to access that, that that mindset, when you might be insecure. You want to. You want your, your kids, to always come and find you, no matter what it is, before they go talk to anybody else, and so this was one of those type of situations and my sister and I ended up getting into an argument about it and because there's so much love there, it was an intense argument and we took some time and came back and talked about it.

Speaker 1:

Now, without doing that, without having that conversation, and what I was shared, what was shared with me, you know you had like I, so connect with the light. I'm not here to be liked right now. You're here to love, and love looks like covering it, looks like, hey, you need to know about what's going on in our loved one's life so we can address this Right. But sometimes you got to get, you have to have that difficult conversation. They're going to take it personal. We got to take that layer off. Okay, what's next? Well, you think you know so much. Okay, let's take that layer off.

Speaker 1:

Okay, now what else is coming up? Just to get to the supportive part of what the information is it has that we can use to help save our loved one's life in some way. And so not taking it personal, being curious not necessarily being committed to being liked and listening to what's being said and not what you have to say and being direct as much as possible gets us through all those layers and to have much more of an efficient conversation. That's really about the issue and not about all the surrounding noise, about how the issue is making you feel. Right, you got to make a decision through that and process it. But I know that that's difficult to do, man, that's difficult to consistently do, especially with people you love.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and I think what comes up for me is when you can't hear plain information right, so I'm not sitting here accusing. If you can't even hear plain information, that's letting you know that there's some other things that need to be worked out and worked through. And I think in most cases that's the thing. I can't have this regular ass conversation, because there are some things that we keep avoiding sweeping under the rug. We have designed this relationship to be flawed by design so that we can get some things out of it without necessarily having to be the best versions of ourselves. And so you got to confront all that, because some people are like I don't want to hear it because I'm going to look at you didn't do this or you didn't and you're already waiting for that, and that gets in the way of just having the conversation. So what I think I like about what you're saying is that you're addressing that there could be layers to it that need to be addressed as well, absolutely, and sometimes, oftentimes, what you just said. Those layers delay us from having conversation.

Speaker 1:

But the article goes on to say don't put it off right, don't put the difficult conversation off. How often is your response to conflict something like I don't want to talk about it, or it's not that big a deal, it's not worth arguing about. If you're always this is a bar. If you're always promising yourself that you'll bring it up next time it happens, well, now's the time. Instead of putting off a conversation for some ideal future time when it can be more easily dealt with, hackle it right away. Get your cards on the table so you can resolve the issue and move on. Last part here that I think is important. It might seem risky to come right out and say something, but that's often exactly what needs to be done. So, yeah, I mean that's in its simplicity. But it simple doesn't mean easy, not at all.

Speaker 1:

I had a GM when I was first starting in the car business. I had a GM, tim, and this dude taught me so much. He was like a father figure there, but one of the things he taught me because early on in my career especially, I was more concerned about being liked than being respected. I was young, it was just like. It's not true. I want them to like me. Whether they buy something or not was secondary to them liking me. And one of the things he said he's like you're a smart kid, you got intuition.

Speaker 1:

When, let's say, this objection or this comes up, what did you want to say? And I'm like well, I wanted to say blank, but there was a pit in my stomach. He said, yep, anytime that you get a pit in your stomach where you feel some anxiety or some uneasiness around something, that's what you say. You say it right. Then. You say it right there. You deliver that information. Like the uncomfortable information is what's going to get you closer to a deal than avoiding it. And it was a great education around just addressing the elephant in the room, because we're all thinking the same thing. The question is, who's going to have the courage to get us there and get us there safely? And so that's what that comes up for me right there. Like hey, just don't put it off. Like you feel it in your gut, just get it out. Get it out. Say it because it's a skill and, more oftentimes than not, when you practice a skill consistently, you get more efficient, you're able to access better language, better words, and sometimes you just might just be emotional in the conversation, may need time for a cool down, to come back and reconfine about what outcome and desires are intended or wanted from having this conversation.

Speaker 1:

But all the ruminating man, there's conversations that haven't been had by loved ones, and this is going on 10 years, yep. And every holiday is brought up. Every holiday is brought up, or every holiday. There's just a time limit on how long you're going to be there, yep, and that's what I mean the tension, the tension between everybody, tensions. It ain't brought up but it's brought up, but it's brought up, right?

Speaker 1:

So the mental gymnastics that go into endlessly practicing or dealing with or having a feeling about somebody in your head and not getting it out, that's doing more damage to you than it is the other person, right, you're walking around with energy devoted to something that you can absolutely at least attempt to solve by just getting it done. I know you've pushed me on that a few times. I might call you and be like hey, man, this is going on, that's going on. What have you talked to the person about? What it is you want, right? Yeah, but you know, I'm just thinking about. You know what you know because you go through a whole checklist. What am I getting out of this right now? Do I want that to change? But I really want that. And you know we talk about energy leadership index language.

Speaker 1:

If I access my level three, energy, which is justifications, compartmentalizing, finding the silver lining, making the best of the situation well, the best of the situation, maneuvering I can deal with not having this conversation and I'll just be fine, and I don't know about if you'll just be fine, but you're right, you can have it and that's. You cannot have that conversation, and that's okay too. Just know there are consequences for however you decide to move or or even not move, but it will all come down to what is your fulfillment and satisfaction in the choices you're making to have conversations or not have conversations that is a choice and this episode is really to usher that conscious thinking. You know you got a conversation you need to go have, like right now. Get all the podcasts, come back, go have the conversation, dm us, text us, let us know how it went, and I guarantee you, as difficult as it may be, that is exactly where your self esteem, self confidence, your power, your ability to show up in rooms and not care about who likes you. You get to decide well, do I like this room, do I like what's in here? Can I get what I need out of this room? That's going to grow me and push me to get closer to what it is that I want to experience?

Speaker 1:

That comes down from being simple Saying what you need to say and not wasting time not saying it. Yeah, and you know, I think it even comes up in business, a lot Like when you're in survival mode. You just I'm not going to say this or not going to say that because I don't want to. You know I need this client and then when you get to us, you know I got to pay these bills, I need this. Hey, we're going to rationalize the hell out of that. Right, it ain't that bad. Is that the guy signing the checks? I don't know if I'm going to say something like to the guy that's signing the checks and it's like well, actually the respect comes. Yeah, come on From having the conversation, come on With the guy that signs the checks, because no one's talking to the guy or the girl or the person who's signing the checks, right, and you get to a space where you're like uh yeah, all money and good money, like I don't know if I want to subject myself to what I need to subject myself to, to work in this environment Like you're, you're, you're my you could, because you get to a space when you have enough difficult conversations.

Speaker 1:

You're okay to go there. You get to it so much quicker. Is this environment, is this situation? And it's not like it's them or it's you, it's like it just doesn't work. There's nothing wrong with the polar bear, but a polar bear is not going to survive in the Amazon. It's not going to work Right. It's not saying the Amazon's trash, it's not saying the polar bear's trash. It's just saying that these things are not designed to work. Like you're actually diminishing who I am and what I do, and I feel like if we start to look at it like that, this conversation is the bridge to moving you towards people in places that serve you and move you away from people in places that don't. Then we can stop allowing it to be scary, if we can remove ourselves from the fear and scarcity mentality that typically is pushing us in that area.

Speaker 1:

That's it, and I feel like this leads us into the last point of the article, which is expect a positive outcome and what comes out of this for me is one of the things that we identified in one of our few coaching sessions where I was going through something and then I asked the question what's a bad experience? You know, like if it takes the experiences to get us to wherever it is that we need to go, what is a bad one? The article goes on to say you'll struggle to follow this advice, which is the advice is expect a positive outcome. So you'll struggle to follow this advice If you continue to go into a conflict telling yourself this is going to be a disaster. Instead, tell yourself this will result in an improved relationship. So we talk about this too. Tell yourself the best story. A lot of times we go in to our simulator and we are already arming ourselves for war, and people are reading our nonverbal communication and you wonder why it looks like we're about to get into a fight, so we've already decided that this is going to be a horrible situation.

Speaker 1:

The article continues to say focus on the long-term gains that the conversation will create for the relationship. When your attention is focused on positive outcomes and benefits, it will shift your thinking process and inner dialogue to a more constructive place, and I want to encourage people that focus on the long-term gains that the conversation will create for the relationship. Long-term gains does not mean that the relationship is going to stay the same or even stay in place. What it does mean, though, is that you are going to have a rhythm that, whether it's with that person or without that person, that is going to benefit you in them more Absolutely, because maybe you're just forcing something because you're not having a conversation. Maybe you guys have gotten to a place where it's like well, we've always kind of touched face on Sunday. Well, maybe that doesn't work for you guys. That's good, and maybe it's better for me to see you once a year and be overfilled with the capacity to love you versus forcing this every week, because this is just what it's been Status quo, status quo, right. So, regardless of whether the relationship is moving, shifting and changing because it always is it doesn't matter.

Speaker 1:

Let the conversation do the work. Yeah, and let the conversation and I'm not, you don't even I've gotten so much or not myself personally. Let me just say what I'm going to say. I've gotten so much feedback from my clients when we get to a space in their life where there's a difficult conversation that needs to be had and they go have it and we might practice it very like affirmed and direct and all that. But I'm telling you, sometimes those conversations do not look like how it was practiced. They're struggling in the moment, but guess what they're doing? They're having a difficult conversation because it's difficult for them to have the conversation. That's the definition, right. So let's not. That's not. Oh, wow, great insight. But it's going to sound like sometimes your voice is trembling, sometimes you're like stuttering and you're embarrassed, or you have these feelings of anxiety and you're pushing.

Speaker 1:

Anyway, you do not get stronger in that weight room without interacting with the weight. It should feel heavy. Oh, now we've, now we're. It was funny. I just, you know, I've been trying to increase my bench press. You know I want to do three plates at one point. Three, three, 15. And my working weight not my max, but my working weight has got up to 208. So just about what my body weight is. So I'm feeling good about myself. I've always struggled. This has been a weakness for me, and we just now got to the working weight. That is a struggle weight for me, and so, as I'm working with that weight, the weight isn't going to change, but my constant connection and commitment to use that weight to get stronger is how I'm going to get stronger. It's not going to come from constantly lifting 135. You've passed that. You want to do 315.

Speaker 1:

You want to show up in rooms and be admired. You want. You want people to see you and be willing to take a risk on you financially, from an investment standpoint. You want to attract more clients. You want to be someone that someone likes or loves and is impressed by and inspired by 100%. It is aligned with your ability to be confident and having direct, difficult conversations that create more opportunity for a better, improved scenario than either you are both dealing with currently. Yep, you're not going to be able to be that person that you sit back and watch and admire without doing the challenge of having what you want advocated for directly, where you'll constantly play the role of being someone that's shrinking, taking orders and this is not about being an employee Taking orders without your value system. What you desire being a part of the win.

Speaker 1:

When the win-win is not the win-win and you're taking down to make space for other people to take a room, well, that's going to come at a cost. Oftentimes that comes with a lot of resentment and anger that lasts for years and then, all of a sudden, you can't hold it anymore. It looks like rumination, anxiety, severating, not being able to get things done, because you're constantly consumed about what's this person going to think of me, what's this entity going to think of me. Be curious and do not give a fuck about being liked Work to do. Yeah, both hands are raised over here and guess what? We move forward anyway because we know you and I both know we've been in the trenches, having our difficult conversations in our personal lives to create more opportunity for the life that we truly want to be inspired to live and that is not going to be given to you. No one is coming to save you, and that's a fact. Talk to me, king man. You could have said it any better. I mean, I just look, we could just listen to that last 35 seconds and all be free. Okay, there it is, there it is. Well, pass the offer plate while you at it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:

At this point, you know, at this point, I think we need to tell the community how they can support us and keep us on the air, absolutely. Hey, we enjoy doing this. We enjoy our community. We talk about this all the time. First of all, it's for us Like these shows, like when we talk about what we're going to talk about with you guys, we're like man, what's going on and we need to really just hone in on it. Are we trying to work? You're literally catching us being processed. Yeah, like this is our ability to process and we want to do that with other people that feel safety to be, to step into a safe space with us and then come out of it a bit more brave, a bit more courageous to go address whatever it is they need to hit Head on. Yeah, and we are there for each other.

Speaker 1:

I mean, I would encourage we've talked about this but I would encourage, if you don't have friends, that you can have tough conversations with direct conversations, with process things, with start to do the work to add to your community. You know, do the work, find your person and you know we have this huge there's always this huge push around finding your romantic partner, finding your wife, your husband, whatever the case may be, but find your person. There's somebody that you that is waiting to be a mirror for you and is desperately, desperately looking for a mirror for themselves as well. And I'm just saying do the work to find people that you can just be real with, that you can just talk to Bro. The conversation, the conversation you're having right now, is literally the conversation we had almost three years ago at the Nines Hotel in one of their fancy little restaurants, and I was getting into stuff that I was going on, that was going on with me that I didn't know. I don't know if he going to really rock with me if I share. You know what's going on with me and I took a risk and Thank you, brother. Yeah, we've been rocking ever since. Thank you, we've been rocking ever since. Absolutely, it's my pleasure to be here and support you and it needs to be that Like I was talking to somebody about this yesterday, I was like, yeah, you know, the issue is be around people that actually like you you know what I mean Like they actually, they actually give a fuck about who you are Like.

Speaker 1:

Please go find them. They actually like you. Yeah, absolutely, we have enough frenemies and we have enough, you know, associates and Associates and we kind of rock and I, yeah, we went to the high school exes. That didn't work out Like you got enough smoke around, like if you're going to make a choice to be around, like go where you want it and you're wanted, you're just not paying attention to the people who actually want you and want you around and like you genuinely, like you, like there's a way to do life and it doesn't have to be in this constant awkward middle school, you know, type approach where you're just trying to find a way to sit at the cool table. You are the cool table. Yeah, you know what I'm saying. You are the cool table. It's you just haven't found your people yet.

Speaker 1:

And so I would just say, like I said, you know, josh, you already know how I feel about your family. I love you, I want the best for you and I just feel like, as we're showing people, like I want you guys to understand that what you guys are experiencing here, this is what we do for each other in real life. We're just bringing it to you guys via these topics, but there is no topic that we won't broach outside of this mic and headphones, right, it's no topic we won't get into. But I'm just saying you need friends like that and I think that the difficult conversations will either galvanize you to people that like you and that value the relationship, or they'll clear the path for someone who can be there, absolutely, absolutely. But anyway, how can you support? Yeah, hey, thank you all for listening. You can support by downloading, sharing, obviously, listening. Join our social media platforms. Both platforms run Instagram and Facebook. Please tell us what you want to hear. This conversation's work when we're able to meet our audience right where they are.

Speaker 1:

And I want to give a special shout out to my HR, my HR business partner, patrick Frazier. He actually just messaged me and said he listened to your ego is in the way, exploring the complexities of ambition, authenticity and self. Hey, just finished listening to this episode, started at the gym. I took away some great nuggets, blind spots, ambition versus ego, and I also noticed y'all reflecting on yourself. We have not arrived, but we get to share our journey unapologetically, in an amplified way, because we have such an authentic relationship and we invite others to show up authentically. It's safe over here because we get to be brave as a result of how safe we feel together. So join us on our journey here at the Take it Off podcast, where we see love grow. Hey, joshua, cue the exit music. Alright, y'all, I'm out. I don't know what he's doing.

People on this episode

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Jeremy Rubin

Co-host
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Joshua Fields

Co-host