Take it off! See. Love. Grow.
An unfulfilled life has less to do with what it is - and more with how you see it. Your fulfillment is often on the other side of a tough decision or conversation. It is in the resolving of conflict and the releasing of self-judgment that we grow the most. So, if you feel stuck in your career, relationships, or how you think about yourself, it’s time to “TAKE IT OFF” and show up as your authentic self. Joshua A. Fields and Jeremy Rubin co-host the “Take it Off” Podcast. As a master practitioner of the Energy Leadership Index with 15 years of executive leadership experience at a Fortune 10 company, Certified Executive Coach Joshua Fields has a proven track record of creating high-performing teams and environments for personal transformation. Renowned author, speaker, and founder of FACE Consulting, Jeremy Rubin, immediately impacts groups large and small using humor, personal stories, and practical, result-driven applications. These two have brought unique life experiences, skill sets, and energy to create an experience like no other. The mission is simple but not easy. It is to empower people with the skills to see and accept themselves and others clearly and without judgment to live a more authentic life. So, if you’re ready to live with purpose and curiosity and to get clear on what you want for your life, join us weekly at the “Take it Off” Podcast. Some concepts are based on and inspired by the coach training program Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching (iPEC).
Take it off! See. Love. Grow.
Man Your Mental Health!
Why do men struggle to talk about mental health, and how can we change that? Join us for a special Men's Mental Health Month episode where we confront male suicide statistics and share personal stories.
Jeremy and Joshua explore the power of daily physical activity, highlighted by Joshua's weight loss journey. They discuss how fitness impacts mental health, the dangers of inactivity, and the importance of self-discipline.
We tackle societal pressures on men, encouraging open communication and seeking help as a strength. Joshua shares his experiences with financial management, emphasizing planning and supportive relationships.
Discover the significance of authentic connections and community support in overcoming challenges and enhancing mental well-being. Tune in for practical advice and emotional support.
Find us on our online platforms:
Co-Host: Joshua Fields ACC, CPC, & Master ELI Practitioner
Website: https://joshuafields.coach/
Instagram: @joshuaafields
Email List: https://archive.aweber.com/newsletter/awlist6189433
Co-Host: Jeremy Rubin, Keynote Speaker, Author, Consultant, Sales Leader
Website: http://faceconsultinggroup.com/
Instagram: @ajeremyrubinstory
welcome to the take it off podcast, where we see love grow. I am your co-host, jeremy rubin, and I'm here with my guy, the one and only joshua fields, hey it is cool, we can do a little something, something, let me groove with you, so we can kick a little something, something
Speaker 1:a shout out to maxwell you know what's wild talk to me is? This has been going on since episode one. We're on episode 52 and I just wonder, like because it was an accident, it wasn't scripted you singing, yeah, and I just wonder what it would be like if that accident ever happened, yeah so it's like you know I'd be on my bob ross.
Speaker 3:You get the reference. Yeah, let me help you. King bob ross. He never made mistakes when he was painting. You know the painter bob, I already I know who bob ross is I'm just the fact that you have the audacity, hold on king, happy trees.
Speaker 1:The fact that you have the happy tree.
Speaker 3:Happy accidents, right. So we just took another r form, like my gift to singing, especially r&b cuts, and you know we just turn them into happy accidents. So really, again, I don't have to keep repeating this. I do get affirmations here from our listeners.
Speaker 1:No, I just think they know that it bothers me, so they want to continue the smoke continuing. If it's cool.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, it's worse than a three-year-old, I swear. Anyway, moving on to today's episode, it's actually in honor of Men's Mental Health Month, which is this month, and it is entitled man, your Mental Health and we will be gleaning from an article from connecthealthorg called Four Ways to Improve your Mental Health. This article is written in Australia, but we believe it applies to men everywhere. I know that we have a lot of female listeners, but you female listeners have brothers, fathers, sons, significant others and friends who are probably struggling with mental health. Please tune in to find ways for you to support and encourage those amazing men in your life.
Speaker 1:I want to start off with what the article states in the beginning. It says the biggest killer of our nation's men isn't heart disease or even skin cancer, it's themselves. Suicide is the biggest killer of Australian men, who account for around six of the eight suicides each day. Again, mental health is important for everyone. Joshua, why don't you lead us into our first point? Or maybe you know? That kind of hits me the fact that it's not all of these things that you know. You think illnesses like cancer, you think maybe even you know car accidents, all these ways to go, and yet it is in the choosing that what's on the other side is safer than what a person is experiencing. That's just wild to me. Yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, no, I mean, it's a sobering stat, especially for the men in Australia. I think that the numbers are a little different in America. But the point here is suicide plays a big role in deaths for men in America and we'll get into it. But I also want to shout out Charles Dazon, who he had brought. He was like hey, man, why don't we talk about men's health, mental health again this year? Uh, we had a way with the we, we had similar conversation last year. But you know, shout out to listeners like hey, it's mental, it's men's mental health month, and uh, what a way to show up for for the men and people that love our men. Right, we need both sides around. But specifically today we'll be talking about empowering men to find outlets and behaviors that save yourself.
Speaker 1:Absolutely yeah, because the people in the house are impacted too. Right, no question. You know, I remember when my father got back from Desert Storm and he had severe, severe PTSD and I remember like I could not go to the that we had the house we were in. One of the restrooms just never worked so I could not get into the restroom without going into their room and I remember sneaking because he would wake up at night next to you know, I'd just be in a chokehold. My man was still at war and I know my mom deal dealt with a lot and they worked through it and he's great now but it just it impacts everybody. Yeah, it impacts everybody. But anyway, I was like, let me let you get to it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, um, the. The first point here, um, is get out and get active. According to Men's Health Week, men who are inactive are 60% more likely to suffer from depression than those who are active, Absolutely long work hours or not even enjoying sports, and the way to combat this is just implementing at least 10 to 20 minutes of daily activity, like a walk, and do wonders for your emotional well-being. This hits hard for me because I remember I shared with you not that long ago, but I think about how powerful my weight loss journey was for me. So I think, as I've gotten away from it, it just becomes like yeah, I did that, what's next? And we do that, right? Oh, what's the next thing? I got this thing, I made this money, I got this title, I got promoted, and we're always on that. What's next? Yep, um, at least I, I, I, I function that way.
Speaker 3:And when I think about just the power, what I gained from deciding, and then get a little bit of what was going on, at the time I had, um, I had got a 280 pounds, and you know I'm 5 11 and three quarters six, one with shoes. You know I'm 5'11 and three quarters 6'1 with shoes on. You know what I mean. And I remember being in school and I was getting ready to graduate and you know all kind of things was going on. Bro, I was, I was a virgin. It's 25, 24, 25. I didn't think that much of myself, let alone talk to the opposite sex.
Speaker 1:I still think you were a unicorn at that, Like that's so unicorn behavior, just a virgin at 25. I love that.
Speaker 3:But I also want to point out like this also affected my self-confidence and my esteem. Yeah Right, and so it wasn't necessarily by choice. Now I'm not saying that, you know, I couldn't have lost it earlier, but and I didn't think, I didn't think a lot of myself, bro. Yeah.
Speaker 3:You know I was. You know I could get out of it when I thought about my accolades and you know different things that I would succeed in, whether it be school, and you know what I was trying to find myself and you know man weight is. So it's the first thing you look at in the mirror man.
Speaker 1:Oh, you know, look at your body. No, I know, and I want you to.
Speaker 3:I want you to lean in here because I know you're in the midst of transformation and where my head was at when I was in this space, it took me. I didn't really get serious until not that I wasn't serious before, but when I really started to make some inroads into seeing the weight move is staying dedicated to a discipline plan that allowed me the freedom to access more who I wanted to be. Now this is still a journey, but there was a real hard part of my life where I had to commit. No one could lose this for me. Then I find out and this was protected in our house I found this after my dad passed. You know, and I've shared this before. You know he dealt with depression and he wasn't that active, right. So you just kind of just pay attention and you start to see how men show up in their later years, even in our own midlife.
Speaker 3:There are parts of working out and adding activity to our life that is so necessary just to be cool, right. You need to think about your body as having this built-in antidepressant, and it comes with physical activity, right. It improves sleep, it enhances cognitive function, it allows us to continue to move and be able to get out of bed one day, right, and sleep. Uh, it enhances cognitive function. It allows us to to continue to move and be able to, you know, get out of bed one day, right, being able to, you know, have the strength to open up that jar that the lady might be struggling with. All this comes from us still, just to be able to, just to function.
Speaker 3:There's some stat out there I'm not going to quote it correctly, but after 40, you know, things start shifting for you, right? You gradually start to lose more and more of your strength and your power, until you combat that with the regimen like exercise and weightlifting. So you maintain, you maintain the functioning use of your body. And so, you know, man, I this is so this hits so hard, cause I know the mental battle that comes with looking in the mirror, not looking like your best, not thinking that you know you're appealing or you know a lot of it was aesthetic for me, and that that really messed with my head.
Speaker 3:And so, because that messed with my head, that messed with my self-esteem and my thinking and what I saw myself, and so I often would say I don't deserve to lose weight, it's too hard, I don't deserve to look like how I want to look, and so I would just sit with, okay. Well, I'm not going to be able to do that because I can't be consistent at it. Maybe God doesn't want me to be in the body that I want to be in Absolutely, because he knows I'm cutting up.
Speaker 1:We'll come with some wild stories, won't we? Absolutely, man, we will come with some wild stories.
Speaker 3:Absolutely, man. But this article hits hard because I just I'd say 95% of the people that I help in my coaching practice there is some physical component to accessing their authentic self Absolutely. And when I mean authentic, I'm talking about the part of you that's just unapologetic, about how you show up in the world, what you might say, how polarizing you can be, what you're willing to accept or not accept. If you could just get access to more of that body you want, man, what a gift to give your mind.
Speaker 1:Talk to me, brother. Oh, I mean just so. Let's break the article down. Yeah, you know, it talks about the, the inactive men feeling depressed, feeling isolated, feeling when I'm inactive. Yeah, depressed, yep, isolated, right, part of the isolation. You don't want to be outside, be outside. You can't find nothing that fits right. Yeah, you know how many times I looked in the mirror. I'm like man, this don't want to be outside, be outside. You can't find nothing that fits Right. Yeah, you know many times I looked in the mirror. I'm like man, this don't even look right, and then just go sit down and be like I gotta go cancel this. Wow, like you. Just, you want to hide from the world.
Speaker 1:Because, whatever thing that you want to project Right, and I think that there's a lot of men they want to project greatness in so many different areas, right, and I think that there's a lot of men they want to project greatness in so many different areas, right, you want to project greatness when it comes to your career. You want to project greatness when it comes to how you're raising your kids. You want to project greatness with you know where you, where you live, the spouse you've chosen right, like, all of these things are connected to your value as a man. Right, and one of the first things that people see is the discipline around your body. And when you can't project greatness because there's no cheat code there, you can't hire that right. You can't be like, hey, I got this work function, can you go with me? We just don't pretend we together there's none of that, it's you're showing up as you, and when you're unhappy with that, it's very tough for you to accept you right where you are, and that becomes the rub.
Speaker 1:And now I got to find different ways to shrink and expand and just be different, because I'm trying to hide the fact that I know, I see me, so I know you see me too, you know, and so, like for sure, when you talk about just isolating yourself because you're not okay with the product, and then you, you said something that really hit for me. It's like I'm a, I'm a. I realized like I'm such a perfectionist when it comes to certain things and I'm really hard on myself. And this is not an area where you can be the hero in your story in a day or a month. I, you know, I was notorious, you know, when it was like man, this clubbing season, it's time to get out. When we were back in college and all this, I was like, I don't know if you remember this, but do you remember the big belt buckles that we would wear and you would tuck your polo shirt into your belt buckle, do you?
Speaker 3:remember that? Look, I didn't participate in that era, but I know what you're talking about you participated.
Speaker 1:No, I didn't participate in that era, but it was a certain look that you wanted, right, you didn't want to be sloppy, you couldn't tuck your shirt in in the front and your guts, like you know. So there was a certain vanity I was a king of you break up with me. Oh, I'm gonna be the finest thing, walking just give me three months of crash, dieting and, and, and and ephedra pills right at all, can't all the atkins?
Speaker 1:atkins, I won't eat a carb, I won't breathe a car because I'm trying to, but all of that stuff was for the here and now and it wasn't consistent. I'm just learning how to be consistent, like I'm excuse me, I shouldn't say that. I'm just practicing how to be consistent. Preach, and it's not connected to the hurt of what I've either done or whatever someone else has said or done to me. It is connected to a man. I really want to be here a lot longer. I want my quality of life to be a certain way.
Speaker 1:The dream that I have for myself is going to take a lot longer than I thought, and so the spirit is willing. But if the vessel's breaking down, what's that about? Right, I want to be able to run with my boys. I want to be able to coach. I want to do certain things, and I noticed that when you just show up in shape I watched it with you when you just show up in shape, the favor that you like, it's just, it's just real. It's like when you take care of yourself and you feel good about yourself and you're a light. More people want to be a part of that show. They want to figure out what is it that you do. Who is this person?
Speaker 3:champ, you're hitting on something that not that's not talked about a lot Right, which is the privilege of fitness.
Speaker 3:The pretty privilege? Yeah, absolutely, human beings like pretty things. This isn't like this. We can blame it on society, and we need to be. But when it's all said and done, we are, we like to be attracted, we like to be around things that are attractive. Yes, so just let's keep that simple. So then I'll ask the rhetorical question for our men what are we doing to maintain being attracted to ourself? Right, because it's not about what I had when you.
Speaker 3:I had to get out of my head about, oh I to lose this way for other people. No, that wasn't my motivation. I wanted to look good. I wanted to look at the mirror. I could see, oh, ok, well, maybe, man, my hairline won't be able to take it. Ok, well, wait a minute, I can't be bald and fat. I got to pick a struggle. I got to pick a struggle here. Now, the hairs hold none. But I know that I would be in a very different mental space if I was struggling with multiple things that interrupted what I think of myself. I don't want to look at the mirror and be like, oh man, what am I going to do about this? Because no one can do that for you.
Speaker 3:Right, and the last part I'll hit on here is dedicating that disciplined time to dropping the weight and getting out and being active allowed me to access so much more of my power around being consistent and disciplined. If I didn't lose that 80 pounds, I don't quit my job and open up my business. I don't do it Because the confidence you get by building you and being able to consistently do that more times than not, to find consistent behavior in your life, to add 10, 20 minutes of exercise every day Just something. Just something. Because beyond the physical benefits here you set yourself up for extreme success. I mean the research says you produce more endorphins, you have more adrenaline, you have more motivation and more energy to go live life in a very vibrant, thriving way.
Speaker 3:This is a necessary tool. When you start talking about how am I going to live my best life? I better know your ass, better be in the gym somewhere, yeah, and controlling what's on your plate and how much of what's on your plate ends up in your mouth, like I know that, like that's bar none. Yeah.
Speaker 3:I want to do this. I've got these dreams, I got that. Yeah, I want to do this. I've got these dreams, I got that. And when that's all said and done, make sure you have a consistent exercise regimen to support whatever lifestyle you're getting ready to go out there and conquer. I can only, bro, I lift, I also dj and I'd be like, damn, these speakers are heavy. What if I wasn't in shape?
Speaker 1:oh, bro, I lifted him with you one day.
Speaker 3:I was like I'm doing that every weekend during the summer by myself.
Speaker 1:I got to be ashamed, yeah he's not getting paid to spin records. He's getting paid to haul this heavy ass equipment from the car to the pier, to the boat. This is wild.
Speaker 3:This is wild, yeah. And the last thing I'll add here um, before we move on, I just got all my life insurance uh situated, got an iul policy that's a whole other show. But I got great. Uh, I got a great rate because I'm healthy. Yep, right, my, my financial advisor we'll get to this later because I know I'm going to cover finances here in a minute he, he even said yep, this is one of the things, these are one of the privileges you get when you take care of your body. So, thank you, you're literally paying yourself back. You're paying yourself because you know you can get to a certain space and have a bunch of stuff going on and it's like I don't know. We can assure you, like you might have wanted to be.
Speaker 1:Or the rates are so detrimental, absolutely like wait. This is costing me literally an arm and a leg yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:So these it's a whole story and you're right, bro, this whole this, this way that we show up in life, uh, we like to project and we like to. We like to come across like we're a little bit more with it than we really are. But this one you can't get away from. Devoting time to develop the best self involves an exercise regimen and being active and using that to your advantage. It's a tool to enhance who you are. Without it, I just really question how effective your authenticity can be and your ability just to move through life with stresses that don't overwhelm you. Right? Exercise allows you to mitigate and regulate your nervous system so you can conquer whatever task, even regardless of level of difficulty. This gives you that practice to be able to do that much more effectively difficulty.
Speaker 1:This gives you that practice to be able to do that much more effectively. Now I will say there are some people that are happy being big, like I, like, like, like. There are people who are like, hey, this is how I show up, but oftentimes I'll then see those people get really small, especially famous people, and it's always connected to something that have to do with health. Like I was living this life, I actually didn't plan on getting smaller and you talk to me in interviews this is what was going on. That was what was going on, and so I had to change some things up. We're going to move on to number two. Number two in tackling your mental health is understand that it's okay to seek help.
Speaker 1:The article states unfortunately, the stigma attached to talking about mental health is still prevalent, especially for men. Many men struggle to acknowledge they are experiencing the mental health issues that lead to suicide, and approximately 70% of men avoid seeking support altogether. It says don't suffer in silence. This is really huge. I had a friend of mine. I remember when I decided to hire you as a coach and we just kept this thing going, and I remember posting online on social media that I did and I got a message. I don't even know if I told you about this. I may have told you about it, but it's from a friend and they're like you're a coach. What does a coach need, a coach for?
Speaker 1:Right. And at first there was this shame that came over me, which again was just, you know, knee jerk reaction, right. And then I had to take into account who was saying it. And then I had to take into account wait, the greatest people in the world have coaches in a lot of different aspects. And it's the fact to think that you're bigger, that your head is big enough to where you don't need to right to come together for a better product, the fact that you would think that your perspective is so finite that you wouldn't need another vantage point to look at a situation.
Speaker 1:I often call people that I respect to say, hey, this is how I'm moving, especially when it's important, like, I'll call you, I'll call my brother, you know, I'll call Reg, I'll call Ebo. I got a squad of people that I will call, and it's not just because I'm like I'm not, so I'm, it's. It is better to get a collection of opinions when it comes to certain things and the moment that you think you're above it, what are we talking about? And especially for men in this movement, of what it means to be an alpha male, what it means to be a shot caller, what it means to be all these different things, you can actually think that you're doing something positive by doing it on your own because that's a narrative and be doing so much damage to yourself because you don't have the community to support you and you haven't put the time into a community. Like I know, if I need to call you, you're going to pick, like, if you don't pick up the first time but I text, hey, it's an emergency, I need you, you're dropping the phone or you're dropping what you're doing to reach out to me, right, and vice versa. But that was because we put in the time when you don't have, when you don't have any reps around, putting in the time around other people. Then when you actually need them, it's actually tough for people to organically come in to help because you haven't created that community where, hey, I'm here to help and guess what, in this time or this season, I need help. So if you haven't established that rhythm, then when it actually comes down to it, one you don't feel comfortable asking to you feel ashamed. Even even soliciting help is a skill, right.
Speaker 1:You would often tell me you would know something's up and I'm not saying nothing because I'm like, yeah, I don't want to get into it. It's the same thing. Yeah, all right, bro, this is day two, I know something's up and you will pull it out of me. Now I'm faster to just say, hey, let's get through this. This is what's bothering me. Let's talk about it, let's process it. It's a part of my mental health, so that I can run a lot faster with the things that I need to go grab or get or do. If I've got too much going on in the simulator, if there's too many windows open, then I can't be productive with anybody. So, anyway, I'm just saying that one, I can't be productive with anybody. So anyway, I'm just saying that.
Speaker 3:One, there's nothing wrong with seeking help, but two, it's something to be practiced, to seek, and it doesn't get that steam in, I would say, circles of men. But mental health is just as important and crucial as physical health. Yeah.
Speaker 3:Right and making these small changes right can have this. You know it can have a powerful impact on your ability to be able to reach out for help. And you started to go into this suicide conversation. So I looked up some stats around just suicide and as it relates to mental health in America. So in 2022, approximately nearly 50 000 americans died by suicide. It's the 11th leading cause of death in our country. How this breaks down for men men are significantly more affected by suicide, nearly four times higher than that of women. The highest rates are found in middle age men in their 40s. Half time, half time haven't done enough, maybe got divorced. Yep, that's what's up.
Speaker 3:Yep yep and so men do not do well in isolation, and the data proves it to us. The next highest group for men, when we think about age after middle age, it's men that are near 85 or older that commit suicide. Right, and looking at the end of their days, wow, wow, wow, right, and they might, and the pressure and the depression that comes over reflecting on a life that wasn't theirs. I don't know why. I didn't get into the reasons on why men are taking their lives, but half time and towards the end of our days, disproportionately higher than women, and the common method here in which they use to take their life is a gun firearm. That is the most commonly used weapon or way men take their life is by using a gun a gun. It was involved in over 54 percent in the status from 2022, 54 percent of the suicides that occurred in men were due to firearms. African-american men have a lower rate of suicide than than white males, but there's still a serious issue here because the demographics that affect us as black men. The article cites systemic racism, economic disparities and our cultural stigmas around mental health.
Speaker 3:I can't talk about it. I'm level three in my situation, so I perform because our need to be wanted is enabled by appearing as this powerful, alpha, high value man. So if I don't have it, I'll act like I have it, and the cost that I pay to act like I'm more than who I am and I'm really not is killing me. It literally is destroying us. To show up in these spaces bigger, bolder, more, uh more brash, uh, more attractive by doing a number of things that do not suit our mental health, because it's a show, is literally killing us.
Speaker 3:I can't. I'm struggling to go to places to be fully expressed because I didn't both. Because it's a show is literally killing us. I'm struggling to go to places to be fully expressed because I didn't build the image we talk about. This. That looks like something. It's not, but now I got to maintain it because what I'm attracting by projecting this image isn't really me. So now the weight that I carry off of the projection is too much for me to bear, and now I have anger and resentment. I'll ignore things. We haven't got the finances yet. The price that I've paid to present myself to be a high value, xyz person yeah right, you ever bought.
Speaker 1:There's a cost to pay for that. Yeah, have you ever bought the bar before? Think about this, like, or things. Talk about it. Talk about it. I haven't done that, but talk about it.
Speaker 3:Well, I mean you know in other different things that we buy yeah, yeah, yeah, the bar specifically, but there's other things done. Yeah, yeah, yeah, is it, is it? Is it?
Speaker 1:there's a, uh, there's realms in which we treat yeah, talk about it, and in some cases we weren't necessarily in the financial space or place to treat Mm-hmm. Yet we do it because we want to feel a certain way, yep, and we want others around us to make us feel a certain way?
Speaker 1:No question, absolutely. But then what happens? When the people around you expect you to be the guy again? Are you able to say hey, I actually really don't got it like. That don't even sound right. Don't even sound right what you mean. You don't got it like, and then you ain't working hard enough, you ain't got your priorities, all these other yeah you don't even sound right, yeah yeah, actually I don't even.
Speaker 1:That was a fluke. That don't even sound right. What do you mean? It was a fluke, yeah, so now we either have to keep it up, get it by other means or disappear because the pressure.
Speaker 1:How many times I've went into hiding? I'm talking about real hiding. I remember the first time I went into hiding around school and just messing up at UW and not wanting to be seen, and I've told that story before. But real hiding, bouncing in clubs, I ain't got no business being in because I don't want anybody to recognize me, because I wasn't at a space that fit. The quote unquote, jeremy Rubin brand the brand. But I rather, you know, hang around the strangers and be okay with this diminished version of myself and try to perform for the community. That quote unquote loves me Because I can't give you what you actually need from me.
Speaker 1:I remember a really, really good close girlfriend of mine asked me a question at UW. She was asking me about my GPA and she started in with giving me hers and at the time I was quite a bit lower. And when you talk about shrinking in Haggett Hall at the lunch line, like not even, I can't even tell her and I don't want to lie to her. I just kind of switched the subject and I'm just like I don't want to hang around you. You don't feel safe, like I feel like I got to perform and I'm actually struggling right now and and I'm and I'm, and I'm actually like trying to get the help in that question and the way you asked it and the way you like I don't even want to be around you.
Speaker 1:And then you think everybody sees it. It's wild how the mind works. And again, the point is it's okay to seek help, because when you seek help, what you find out is that you're not the only one struggling with that thing. You find out that people's wins aren't just like this lifestyle of winning all the time. I'm actually very upfront with you about the times where I take the L's in spaces, because I want you to know it's not wins all the time Like that's men will do that. They'll give you their highlight reel all the time, as if that that they just shit. Excellent, not true. It's like no, well, let's talk about the failures too, right Cause that's all in the mix as well. Yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, no, and there's, there is, yeah, there's so much strength in being able to seek help openly, tell ourselves a story, especially heterosexual men that are looking for a sexual partner or a life partner or a female that they just want to perform in front of and make them feel a certain way. There is such a pressure that comes with being able to attract, especially when you start comparing. I think there's some stat out there that 10 of the men are sleeping with like 50 of the women.
Speaker 1:I don't even know if I got that right.
Speaker 3:But there's some step because they all want I'm quote unquote they all women, uh, that desire. Men want a quote unquote high value man, right, well, the population only has so many of them, and so for, they're attracted to the height of what. Oh, he looks the part. He's got resources, he's got money, he's able to take care of things, he's got a successful career, he's got all these things. And this very isolated view on who has access to that is a very small. There's a subset of the male population that gets advertised as being the ideal and for what I mean here's, here's my problem with it.
Speaker 1:When did 70 and 80 000 a year become trash like I? I don't it's. It's so wild to me that we just say these stats right he's gotta be in great shape.
Speaker 1:He's gotta, you know, make, um, you know six figures. He's got to be educated, he's got to be empathetic. It's like okay, so you basically are saying that there's no great men in the in-between, there's no great people. That's weird to me, especially when you think about the folks who are chasing this, and even some of them that I have conversations with. It's like wait, you were doing nothing to be on the same pace. You're not moving aggressively towards this career that you know you're attracted to. You're not a leader in your own group. You're not like. Why is it that you feel like this is all that could be for you, right, and and and you know this specifically that even when you get to that level, people still have their problems? Absolutely, it's not like you're getting.
Speaker 3:Drake is still writing love songs and he's sad Still still sad Drake is we're seeing people get curbed left and right.
Speaker 1:That are multimillionaires.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and it does, because nobody is above the curriculum I don't care what you have, I don't care what you have, there's still a price to pay for. You're still going to be rejected like no one's above being rejected no one, absolutely no matter how much they have, and in very extreme circumstances you can have all that and I think a twitch the gentleman that took his life I think it's been a year ago yeah, it looked like, and I'm not. I'm not judging his brother that, I'm just saying like he is someone happy, go lucky on a talk show with one of the biggest talk show stars we've had of our time, in ellen. Yep, you know, almost like a modern day rags to riches story.
Speaker 3:Got on a you know reality show. Got famous, you know, ushered into the limelight. His talent, his talent, wifey dances. They're on instagram. It looks good. And less than a mile away from his house he takes an uber to a hotel, doesn't check out the next morning and they find him dead using a firearm. And a note to his family no foul play was found. He committed suicide. Yeah.
Speaker 3:And a few days before that, I think, it was posted his wedding anniversary. They had just did a dancing video in front of the Christmas tree.
Speaker 3:Performing. Yeah, I don't know why the performance was happening, but we can just intuitively get to it. There was a weight and a burden that he felt safer he took for whatever was going on. He felt safer taking his life than dealing with whatever was in front of him and we'll never know. Right, he's gone now, but we can. No one's above this. It like money doesn't rescue you from having the ability to find people that you can be fully expressed with and communicate what's really going on with you. That takes a risk with your heart, yeah, right, and you can't buy that. You can't finagle that, although many try, but you know what's inside of you that needs to be released and processed right with with some help. We're social beings. We need each other and if you can't find it in one person, don't stop don't stop and and now, and now.
Speaker 1:But we need to bring it to the men too, because I think, yeah, a lot of times that the the narrative is women who look for the top. You know, 10, yeah, when it comes to income, because looking for security, yeah, but, man, we be getting our asses handed to us by looking for some of the wrong stuff too. Oh, absolutely, you know, like, like, when it's always looks and youth ahead of how someone is going to treat you having a real partner, common effing sense, right?
Speaker 1:I mean, I am literally just getting to a point in my maturity, yeah, man where I look at the whole person this is a bar like looking at the whole person, because typically they'd be like, oh, okay, this, when she walks in, does she change the the temperature of the room? Okay, is everybody looking in the direction? Okay, the eye test is passed. Yeah, we can work with this. Right, and it's shallow as all get out. It's how I am, right, like I. It's how we are.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm just, I'm, I'm not gonna speak for everybody, I'm just gonna speak for you know what I'm saying I like, but if she's if she's how we are, if she's fire, if we can play dress up, oh yeah, let's go, let's go. Let's put the pencil skirt on, put the this on, put put the high heel. Yes, hair, I love spoil. Yeah, all that, right, yeah, but it's like, well, wait a minute. If I'm just looking at this and I'm looking at this first and I ain't learned any lessons around choosing this, how long are we going to do that for? Yeah, right.
Speaker 3:So men too, some of this mental health shit we bring on ourselves Absolutely Because you are going to test your mental health like a subpar or the wrong person for you.
Speaker 1:I'm not even going to judge you by saying subpar, but the wrong person for you. You want to talk about where most people make their mistakes financially, physically, stressed out. Put yourself in a room long enough with the wrong person wrong for you and watch how that tests your actual whole being. Like I said just now, getting mature enough to say what is it that I actually want? What is it that I like? Let's look at the whole person. Let's look at the whole scenario. Let's be honest about what we're doing here. Yeah, because at the end, there's going to be pain, no matter what, but you can have a lot less pain if you're actually looking at what's best for you.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and being honest about that for sure, right, even even in the pain that you consciously choose, there is a release of uh. There's something so powerful about just keeping a debacle where you are, like you can't be where you can't be, and trying to be something you're not in spaces where you're trying to be something you're not is a burden as well, and so it's about how do I look at this whole picture and think about what's best for my growth and development. That's going to challenge me, that's going to push me and ultimately allow me to have a fully expressed experience without trying to perform my way out of it, to maintain a connection that I know is to my detriment, and we do this every single day, all the time. It's the job that you go through that has a mental toll on your mind, because you are expecting that place of employment to save you From what. Go to sleep, prioritize human connection, manage your finances. You do that for you, and I guarantee you your love life, your career, your health, all these other spaces and again, I'm not up here preaching like I'm the star on all the mountains and I'm at the top right. I'm speaking from experience.
Speaker 3:This next one debt, is one of the biggest causes of stress. Take control of your finances. This is point number three. Men often feel that the burden of providing financial security for their family falls squarely on their shoulders. Yes, there are plenty of resources that can help you manage your money, but sometimes that comes across as too overwhelming. I have this is Joshua speaking. I have a financial counselor. I have somebody. I don't even. Honestly, bro, I don't even like talking about money. Right, we know I don't.
Speaker 1:I do not, because with it comes discipline and restrictions, discipline and a bunch of other bullshit that you don't want to hear. They just drop the shoes like limits that sounds like limits and restrictions.
Speaker 3:I don't. I'm not interested in that conversation. I'm keeping it above. Not at all.
Speaker 1:I'm not interested in disciplining that in awareness around this I don't just what we'll make, more money we'll make. Yeah, I just that.
Speaker 3:I tell my wife that all the time. I yeah, I guess you just have to make make more money. We'll make more money. I tell my wife that all the time. I guess you just have to make more money. Cool, I got what. I decided that I wanted to take Amber, or at least give her the option to not work anymore. This is one of our goals.
Speaker 1:That's super sexy too. Just the option. Just the option. Like hey, sweetie, could you imagine?
Speaker 3:I can't imagine a woman coming in my life and be like you know what. I just want you to sit at home writing, working out, chase, chase you boo. But. But it has been a journey to get here, yeah, yeah, this doesn't not just fall out the sky.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I don't care what inheritance you're a part of, or there's nothing like developing a plan to give you the fundamentals down around disciplining your habits, because if you don't have a plan for the money, guess where it's going exactly, I don't know. It's not gonna stay with you, though, not at all. If you do not have a discipline for your meal, if you don't have a discipline for the love of your life, if you don't have a discipline for your dating life or your social life, guess what's going to happen when what you need is staring you in front of your face? You're going to miss it, because it's just going to come and go, because there's no plan to allow that seed to grow. There's no plan to allow that seed to grow. There's no priority, and we're talking about money here, right now. I told my wife that I want to give you the option to stay in your job or not. Now, joshua, how do you do that. Well, I have to talk about money.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:I got to talk about where the revenue that's coming in, especially you. Oh, you quit your job. You're an entrepreneur, that luxury that you had. This was a blind spot. Oh shit, wait a minute, I gotta get another client. I gotta, I gotta, seek out another opportunity today, like right now, and I gotta do this daily. So I build a funnel of opportunities, because every opportunity that comes up isn't going to result in a signed contract, so you have to stay shooting.
Speaker 1:No question.
Speaker 3:None of this was on my consciousness when I decided to quit my job. It was very like oh yeah, cool, I got how much saved. I got the retirement Cool, I'm going to use some of that. That's going to get us through the six months. I'm going to get this program and then boom yeah, I'm going to be out here. People love me. Yeah, people love me. You know, everybody told me. You know, this is your thing, this is gonna fit. Oh yeah, this is gonna get six months bro you call him with that price tag you're gonna be, you're gonna be that guy
Speaker 3:well, yeah, that all may be true, right, and I still got to get it out the mud. No one's just coming and handing me 40, 50, 000 contracts just because they like me, no, and because I look cute. I think I do every now and then, especially when I get my eyebrows done, you know. But I say all this to say is being in charge of, and I'm not perfect at this, but this is what I do. I go hire people to protect my blind spots. I know I work best in partnership. My wife already knows this.
Speaker 3:She hates having a financial conversation with me like what, okay, what, what are we doing? I'm spending too much on what? Because she helps manage the books. And guess what we did.
Speaker 3:I got tired of hearing her hey, um, who do we need to bring? We need somebody in here to manage the quick books. We need a third party, right? I mean, shout out to my guy, ryan merrill, he's, he's, he's my financial advisor. He's like hey, joshua, we're gonna grow your business because the more money you make, the more money I make off of you. So it's in my best interest to help you and I need partners, I need disciplined partners to hold that space in my life, because I know where I lack and I don't have any shame in that, because what would be going on if I didn't humble myself to ask for help? I got to show you my wounds. This is where I overspend, this is where I don't spend enough, this is where my attention is, but it needs to be here. Go where you're wanted and have a system of people in your life to help you achieve what it is you authentically want to do for you. No one's coming to save you, is true, but have the awareness, the wherewithal, to know who do I need in my life? That's going to help me save me. Who do I need, who's missing, and be real about that. This is a journey, it's not a destination. So seeking help can pave the way for you to lessen that burden financially and help increase your ability to be more mentally free, because there's nothing like a plan, because plans regulate us. They help us see what's next, what's the next move, what's the plan? Where are we going when this happens? That happens, great. I feel good about that.
Speaker 3:That whole going with the flow I used to talk like that until I really started to kind of really get underneath what that meant.
Speaker 3:Going with the flow sounds simple and easy until you look at the fruit of the flow, root of the flow, and oftentimes that looks like a lot of undisciplined chaos.
Speaker 3:And there's nothing wrong with that, because you need that too. But sooner or later you got to hunker down and look at all right, how do I organize my life in a way that protects my mind Right, in a way that protects my mentality about who I am, because there's a lot of shame that comes with those credit card bills, those high aprs, yeah, and that that new thing you just had to have, because you got to go flex to get to this event, because there's going to be so-and-so there and she always comments on how great you smell and you know women like your shoes and you know you got to look the part. And, yeah, looking the part happens in the dark, when no one's around, when you're telling yourself, no, I don't need that, because I'm going to repurpose that energy and those finances here for what I'm really trying to get after. I have not mastered this, but I'm definitely a lot better today than I was yesterday.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and sometimes it takes a lot of pain. I remember the first time that this came up for me in a powerful way. So the mother of my kids already had kids and then we came together and by the time it was all shuffled out there were six kids involved and she had lost her job and we were renting this place and I remember her crying to me one night about how small the place was and how the kids didn't have their own rooms and and and even on some level, challenging my manhood, am I providing enough? Yeah, come on. I said okay. And I remember. I remember. I remember like it was yesterday Okay, this is what we're going to do.
Speaker 1:And I remember I put all my dreams to the side and when I tell you, I became a beast in commission sales, I became a beast and sales, I became a beast and I worked six months straight with no day off, 12 hour days, and I remember that year, even with a family of six, having bills, having the food, having all the things, I remember I had saved just under thirty six thousand dollars and I was able to put a down payment on a home, six bedroom house, and I remember and the discipline it took because there was a priority bigger. I don't don't spend anything. I remember telling her that I'm not spending nothing. You're not spending anything. We have everything that we need. We will not have anything that we want until this house is purchased, and I watched that account like a Hawk. No, put it back, absolutely not. Take it back, because the prior, now the priority, is getting out of this situation. Yeah, and I remember. But when you talk about when it was finally said and done and I bought that house, fam, I would drive. It was probably to this day the thing that I was probably the most grateful for the first house I bought and how I had to do it. And I would drive up and I would just sit in the driveway for a couple of minutes and pray and practice gratitude, thank you.
Speaker 1:I did not think I could do this. I didn't have the credit at the time. I made dumb decisions. You know, I let a car go in college. There were people I had to. I had to pay things back. On top of saving the money, I had to pay off a couple of charge offs. There were things that I had to put in place, but it was the fact that there was a priority.
Speaker 1:Now, yeah, and without a priority, your life is by default, because there's no design Absolutely Right, it's just by default. It's whatever's in front of you, it's whatever makes you feel good in the moment. We're going with the flow. We're going with the flow. But I just remember when I got that, how I feel and I haven't been able to feel that way about I don't know a purchase that I felt that way about. I bought more expensive things, bought more expensive houses. My rent was, I mean, my mortgage was like 1700 bucks, right, but it was what I had to do and the pressure that I was under and how it galvanized me. You couldn't tell me nothing. Yeah, for what I had to do to make that happen yeah.
Speaker 3:I mean the fruit and the benefit of being able to discipline your behavior for and that price has to be paid for what you ultimately want to be free from no question, like there's no way around it. And what we're saying so far in this episode especially for our men your power and your freedom and your ability to amplify your mental health is finding ways to discipline your behavior. Who do I need to talk to? Right? What am I missing? I don't have to do it all, but whoever I'm doing it for, is this person a benefit to my mental health? What's her name? Is she appreciative?
Speaker 1:or does she?
Speaker 3:make you feel like you're capable yeah, yeah, because, whether you, whether you are or not, who you surround yourself with is is job one in determining how healthy your mind can be when you look at where you're planted. You got a lot of negativity being spewed at you from who A lot of our closest relationships have the most impact on who we are. No question Right, who you want to recognize you. Are they recognizing you? Why do you want their attaboy or their gold star? What's her name? Does she make you feel like you can go and conquer the world? You might already have the ability to do that. Is she adding and amplifying your ability to go make those moves?
Speaker 3:If not, why do you allow that person that intimate relationship, that connection? Why do you allow it to hold you back from disciplining where your energy and expenses and resources go? But, joshua man, you ain't never, you ain't never had a uh the gawk, gawk 3000. I understand that. I understand that king. I understand that king. There's someone out there that can gawk, gawk 3000 and tell you you're amazing, absolutely, and submit yes to your, to your sweet, to your power, sweet j. And this isn't to abuse, no, this isn't to make someone feel like they're small. We're talking about who is in your life that can amplify you, because that, amplifying of that authentic self, you're going to naturally want to be surrounded and take care of that ecosystem, take care of who's taking care of you. And sometimes you got to take a risk to bring people in your life to redesign. So we're designers of what we want to experience and not just letting life just be on default settings.
Speaker 1:Right or forcing people to be something that Come on man, come on man.
Speaker 1:Come on, man. I remember my first like real speech around um, when I was actually competing on a national level and going around um traveling and raising money for like united way and boys and girls clubs, and I was talking about this person that I love, that I wanted to be different and I got this quote that's always stuck with me that people can only give what they have to offer, and oftentimes we want to try to trick people into, manipulate people, into make them feel bad for, grow them into being able to offer us something that is just not on the menu. You know, what came up for me, when you were just talking about surrounding yourself with people that make you feel powerful, was your trip to, to Egypt and how the locals looked at the pyramid and how they were just like you know they. It was for the streets, the pyramids where us we're like, oh, it's a wonder of the world, it's a power. We see it as regal, we see it as man.
Speaker 1:This might be connect us, some people connect us to the aliens, connect us to the source, right, but its power is still connected to our perception. What's a king to a god? What's a god to a king? Or, excuse me. What's a god to a non-believer who doesn't believe in anything? Right Like it's still connected to perception. So even the Bible talks about it. Jesus couldn't do miracles in his own town because, guess what? They saw a carpenter's son. They saw this dude grow up. It can't be you. We've seen you your whole life. It can't be you. And in that same thing, if you surround yourself with people that are still connecting you to the you that had to struggle to get to this space, they're still looking at the batter. They're not looking at the cake. Right now, that's batter, that ain't cake. Well, no, I've gone through a process and even trying to explain this to you, it is breaking me down, right? So what's interesting about it is like you are you and you have the power, but that power is diminished when you're around people who don't believe in you, who don't sow into you, who don't even when you can't see it, who won't see it for you, right? And I think that this perfectly leads us into point four. Again, it's Australia.
Speaker 1:So they say make mateship but make friendship a priority. This is actually important, because men do such a trash job of making friendships a priority. We will do everything but make space and time for our friends. And I'm not talking about just watching the finals or watching it's fight season, watching the fight. I'm talking about making space for your friend to go out to lean on, to love on, to create space for you guys just to be you, it says.
Speaker 1:The article says dealing with mental health issues can be extremely isolating. Studies show that quality social connections decrease the chances of mental health issues can be extremely isolating. Studies show that quality social connections decrease the chances of mental health problems such as depression, anxiety and developing addictions. Like just deciding that you're going to have a friend and show up for that friend and allow that friend to show up for you. It is going to decrease depression, it is going to decrease anxiety, it's going to decrease addictions because the friendship provides a boundary around your time.
Speaker 1:We talk about the idle mind is the devil's playground, right? Like if you isolate too much. I mean I know people who can't get through a day without hitting the bottle. You would never know there's been seasons in my life where I've drank it away. You never know, depressed, just sitting up looking at the ceiling.
Speaker 1:All my life was was. Let me provide, let me make sure these people are safe and that doesn't require me doing anything more than going to work and being home when I'm supposed to be home. And you know how many years of my life I wasted doing that? And it showed up. It showed up in my weight, it showed up with my relationship with food, because food was consistent when people weren't. It showed up. It showed up in man. Can you say that again? Oh, the food is consistent when people are not. I know what I'm going to the texture, I know the taste, I know the feel, I know the endorphins I'm gonna get. Yeah, I'm gonna feel like shit tomorrow, for sure, but you know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna rally through it at work and then late night comes, I'm be ordering again. Yeah, and then that's just your life.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because it's so much tougher to work through, to get the mental clarity to work through, to get the energy to work through to build the community, because you might be at a point where you feel like you ain't got nothing to offer at all, but maybe some security if it's necessary, and to provide for the people that you love and outside of. You are a tool. You're a good tool. Pull me out of the toolbox when you need me Outside of that, keep me in the darkness. I am a tool. That's what your life becomes, unless you do something about it. Because here's the crazy part Like she said, ain't nobody coming to save you Not your spouse, not your kids because, guess what? Sometimes you're just a good tool and the idea of you expanding, when you've always been this, can be scary to the people around you.
Speaker 1:You got to do this on your own. You got to do this. You got to find your community. You would tell me all the time, oh, you need to find more community. You tell me, oh, the people for this project, what you're doing right now, you actually don't know the people that are going to help you. Thanks, you don't know him, cause if you did, it already be done. They know your heart and they ain't doing nothing different. So you got to go, do the work to find the people to take you to the next level, to help us. You do, cause. Here's the thing, here's what's so crazy, joshua, when you talk about everybody's dream, I don't care what you're talking about. Amazon was someone's dream. Microsoft was someone's dream, right, lululemon. Look at your favorite brands Nike was someone's dream. Guess what All of those dreams require people. You cannot do it without a collection of people believing in something bigger than themselves. So guess what? If you want a dream, I don't care what it is that you want to do. You got to go find your squad.
Speaker 3:Takes people, no question about that, right, and what you're bringing up for me with that is we let hurt and pain, especially for men, like hits to our ego, being shamed, being compared, being told we're not good enough, you don't make enough, you don't have a big enough, title, you don't have resources, you don't have access, you don't, you don't. You don't have resources, you don't have access, you don't, you don't? You don't? All these things that we're told we're not, especially in the circles of friends that we have. Oh, we're comparing, don't think we're not comparing. Oh, so-and-so, just got this job. Oh, you know, so-and-so's a developer, and they got this project going on. What do I got going on? Well, you know what? I'm not gonna go out with them tonight because they're gonna going to start talking about X, Y and Z, and I don't feel like I even want to be underneath all that scrutiny, so I'll just isolate these relationships that you have in your life that you feel like you have to perform for are destroying you.
Speaker 3:It is engaging in open and honest communication and conversation with friends that accept you for right where you are. They want to belong to you right where you are. They might want more for you, and all that as a great friend would. But that is not the price of connection. But that is not the price of connection. It's being okay where you are and then leaning in with you, right where you are, to push you to your greatest possibilities, to build the resilience to be able to be rejected. You have the power to change your environment. You have to take the risk and put yourself out there with people that will hurt you.
Speaker 3:Oftentimes it's our closest relationships that do the most damage to us. No question, that comes with the territory. If you can fix your mind and change your mindset with support and not allow the first sign of pain or disappointment or judgment because you're connected to a trauma, that that's all you see. So now you have to run away and get away from it. You're destroying what you're capable of. You're destroying what you're capable of. You're getting in your own way. And to be honest and truthful not that I'm not being honest and truthful, but a story that comes up for me. I think about how I left AT&T. Oh, it wasn't all like. Oh, I found a coaching program and I'm out. No, I wanted to get promoted yeah.
Speaker 3:I wanted to be somebody's VP. You know who got in the way of that.
Speaker 1:Joshua and these managers ain't looking out for me, but you also didn't want to travel, yeah, but they ain't looking out for you yeah, they ain't looking out for me.
Speaker 3:I'm not relocating. I can get everything I want right here. What's wrong with them? Oh, they're tripping. How many more times I gotta win for them to recognize that I'm a god?
Speaker 1:ego, ego ego, ego for them to recognize that I'm a God.
Speaker 3:Ego, ego, ego, ego. What you mean? What you mean? I'm too edgy. This is just who I am, okay.
Speaker 1:Not coachable, not coachable. He doesn't listen.
Speaker 3:He doesn't listen, he's not coachable. He doesn't listen. It looks good, the results are there, I see it. Oh, joshua knows how to perform. Who is he, though? With embarrassment that comes with, a risk that comes with rejection that comes with? Not to say that I didn't have moments where I had to fight through the rejection, but when it was all said and done and I got some time in between and I looked on my corporate journey, I got to tell myself the whole story. So I don't repeat because the stakes are higher. Now I'm working for myself. Relationships matter at an all-time high. I don't have a corporate system that's backing me, no by choice.
Speaker 1:You are the brand by choice.
Speaker 3:Yeah, right, so it is.
Speaker 3:It is in my best interest to show up vulnerable and authentic and transparent, because I don't have another option.
Speaker 3:I have to connect with people that are down to connect with me, and some of the people I thought that would have my back and support me and push me, and all the things because of what I did for them during my AT&T run Leaders, vps, this people that were mentoring me in the space yeah, I haven't heard from them and you know what. That's on me, that's on me, and so, as much as I'm having some successes and I'm loving what I'm doing, I can also see the fruit of what I did to myself when it comes to who I surrounded myself with and what I allowed and what I was too prideful to call out Right, and so it's a journey Right, and I even remember there's times where you and I have gotten into it, and it's that same behavior. Man, these guys ain't listening to me, they don't know. I know what you mean. I could do it my way. I've gotten success doing it this way. I don't have to comply, I don't have to consider your opinion because, you don't know what you're talking about.
Speaker 3:That thinking is so limited, bro. It is literally. It is so catabolic that it forces you into isolation to access level two energy, to trick yourself in believing that you don't need anybody and you can do it yourself. Like, how you treat people matters a great deal, because it's often times some insight about how you feel about yourself. So, to keep people away from seeing your scars, you'll act out. You will throw a stick of dynamite in your own home just to watch your home fall have some control.
Speaker 1:Hey, if we, if this is, if this is going to blaze, I'm gonna be the one that does it. I'm gonna be the one right, yeah, and yeah, and we, and and I think that it's good that we talk about that, because people will be seeing us and think, oh, like it's, it's all hunky dory all the time. Well, that's not the case and, to be honest, I've had to grow Because I was one of those people where, man, if there's just too much tension, that probably means I need to get up out of here, right, like I need to up out of here, right, like I need to. It isn't working.
Speaker 1:Regardless of what we're talking about and what, what our relationship has helped me do is establish OK, this is somebody I love, and build a rhythm around working through things Right, rhythm around working through things right, not fight or run, fight or flight, but actually sit in it right here, right there, and work through it, as uncomfortable as it is, and have the faith that, on the other end of this, the, the relationship, the foundation is going to be stronger versus avoiding, versus. Okay, I'm going to spend time with this friend because they're not, yeah, bringing me this energy right now. Well, if you spend enough time over there for long enough, that energy is coming.
Speaker 3:You take you wherever you go wherever you Connie Lou feels. She would say that she still says that to this day. She's like you can go and go, do all what you're going to do, and you're going to find yourself right there in all the things that you thought was the other person's problem, right, because we're addicted to the honeymoon stage 1,000.
Speaker 1:We love the honeymoon stage, the stage where I can do no wrong, the stage where even my bullshit looks cute in the stage. You know what I'm saying? Like the stage is like oh my, he's so insightful. Well, no, there's a lot of them yeah, we're in performance right now love.
Speaker 1:We're in performance more right now love yeah, I interview well, right, I interview well, and, and that's why I feel like it's like okay, well, let me. And even when we lead with oh, this is who I am and this is what's going on, even that becomes a part of it. Right, right, that becomes a part. Oh, he's so upfront. Yeah, yeah, all that.
Speaker 1:It's like just give it time. Just give it time, yeah Right. And then you get to make some decisions about who you have who is worth fighting for, and I think that that becomes something that gets when you talk about this last point of making friendships a priority. When you actually make friendship a priority, then you know where to put that energy.
Speaker 1:Who is willing? Who are you willing to fight over? As men, a lot of times we're willing to fight over the we all know on the first date and somebody stepped on this girl's toe and we ready to go square off on somebody. You don't even know her. But when it comes to your guy that you've been in the trenches with for 15 years and you know you guys could, probably should, be closer, you won't expend any energy, you won't have a difficult conversation, you won't be the first to make the call or the text or whatever the case may be, to say, hey, what's going on? That's a fight too, right.
Speaker 1:And so it's really getting to a space where it's like, man, when you talk about your mental health, a lot of it is how do I fight for the routine, the mindset, the community that is going to bring the best out of me more of the time? How do I do that? And when I established that track, when I established that routine, when I established, you know, that ride, then life becomes so much better. It's not like it doesn't have its challenges. It's not like you're not. I mean, there's some people who look for challenges. I need a challenge Like what is going on.
Speaker 1:It's been a little too quiet around here, right, right, but you have a system in place that you know you're not doing it alone and you're doing it with people you love, and so what was work is now that labor of love, right, and I think that's what we're. That's what we're. A lot of us men are missing, yeah, is the discipline to create, because, again, this is a simulation to create. Everybody want to create Madden players, right? How do I create the life that I want? And it begins and ends with people. It does.
Speaker 3:It's that simple.
Speaker 1:It's that simple. My kids are saving my life right now having my kids full time. Yeah, it's saving my life. You want to know why? Because, guess what, every time I come into this house, I have a purpose. They are. They are literally saving my life, because I know how I could be. I could be down performing at work, performing, performing online. I'm good. What are you doing, jeremy, when the cameras are off? Kids are saving my life. My community is saving my life.
Speaker 3:Yep man I think that the lesson here is promoting physical activity, encouraging men especially to seek help and demonstrate the behaviors for yourself that allow you to seek the help without feeling guilty or weird or like, oh, I should be able to handle this myself all on my own, because I'm a man. That thinking is destroying us, especially for African-American men. The average age of men in America is 76. We live to 72. And there's all kind of data and things that go into that number. But there is something that we have to address and it is the ability to maintain relationships as we age, for the sake of being our whole, full self. I just want to.
Speaker 3:I just went on a dad date with my guy Tyler last night. Now we invited some other brothers out from my, uh, my son's basketball team. Uh, because we watched our, our, our women meet and hang out and, oh, they socialize all this. Oh, this is such a great connection. They just they. They just met each other and they're already out. Girls night, girls night three, four girls nights have already happened and I'm like, I'm looking at that and you know, I prioritize hanging out and socializing. That's just me, absolutely so. But I also, you know, being able to pay that time with each other. You're not just go to sleep, get up, go to work, come back, do the same thing. Oh, I found time to coach my son's team, so that's what I'll do. Okay, wife, what you want me to do, or girlfriend, or whatever it is, you're not just taking orders with this badge that you're the provider and that's all you do. Provide for yourself Outside of just money and being the producer. Take your time, carve out. Yep, guy's nice that night. It's actually monthly.
Speaker 3:Yeah, this is what we're on on, yep you don't have to wait till a bachelor party no, and and we're talking about surrounding yourself with, with guys or people, because some, some, because that young lady or that, that, that person that you hang out with you get to speak to yeah, be just a little bit more unapologetic about that. I'm talking about people. Go find relationships that you can be fully expressed in, whether that's a double X chromosome or XY chromosome. Go find somebody to talk to and open up. You are not someone that deserves to be isolated, even in your own home, surrounded by a bunch of people, because you constantly find yourself performing and serving, performing and serving, performing and serving who is serving you? So, with that all said, fostering dope social connections and making an impact can greatly increase our odds of survival, because, as we survive, having the mentality that we need these components to thrive is in our best interest. And not taking that seriously because you think someone's going to hurt you again, so you hurt yourself, but not developing an ecosystem and the surrounding partnerships that feed and aid you to be more, we're doing it to ourselves.
Speaker 3:The article's right we don't have to worry about the stray bullet coming to find us or a natural disaster or something that we're out here trying to avoid because we're scared of. No, you're going to kill yourself right? And speaking to men, we're either going to do it through suicide when we get to our middle age, or we're older, or we're going to isolate ourselves into death. That's not the only options we have. We need each other. We literally need each other. It is in our best interest to be surrounded by people that we can just be ourselves with. We constantly talk about this message and, no matter what article we find, no matter what somebody's struggling with, it comes down to you looking out for you and surrounding yourself with people that are also interested in looking out for you by being in relationship with you. That's full, transparent and real.
Speaker 3:I'm not talking about the bullshit that you have to perform and put on just to fit in. I'm talking about just being a fit and allowing people to find their spot. This is how I can fit in. This is how I can yep, this is how I can support you. I got your blind spot there. That's love. All right, that's concern. So anyway, man, uh, I know we're getting to the end, but I I thought a timely episode and and on point, for you know, we've been talking about this rumbling man. Something's coming, something big bro. Yeah, something's coming for us and we got to be ready for it because it's gonna. It's to be our partnership and our relationship that allows us to withstand whatever's coming right, because that's what life's about. That's what life's about having a community with people that support you and love you and you can be fully expressed and show your authentic self and amplify that true connection, true intimacy. Anyway, those are my thoughts, my brother.
Speaker 1:Absolutely Well again. Like you said, it's been another fire episode. Episode 52, man, your mental health, uh, as far as our audience, man, we love you guys. You can support us by downloading, of course, listening, sharing on our social media platforms as well, as we have a new Instagram. Would you like to tell?
Speaker 3:them where they can find us. Yeah, you can follow us at Take it Off Podcast. On social media, we now have a dedicated Instagram to our. It'll be in the show notes to our audience. So if you're listening to this, please follow us. We want to jack the followers up there. We want you to be able to share and, you know, take these gems and jewels that we come up with here and spread them. You know, no one's arrived here, no one has it figured out, but what we have figured out is we need each other to figure it out. Yep, and you all are an extension of our conversations. We love hearing about what resonated, what's working, what's not Like. We love the challenge. So, again, like Charles man, tell us what you want to hear, because you're giving us time.
Speaker 3:By listening and reflecting and sharing, I know we have helped people process some major life decisions and we're we might not even be aware but it's just a support, right, it's just the support of using your resources and tools in your community to help you amplify your best life, your authentic self, right and so, um, yeah, we, uh, we get, we get better together, we get better together. So, anyway, uh, with that said, any other instructions for our listeners? My brother, now, that's it, man all right, all right, all right, man. Well, uh, thank you for joining us here on the take it off podcast and listening to a little something, something, oh, if it's cool okay, now on the outro too.
Speaker 1:All right, y'all take care, have a great night, have a great way of listening. Just make it a great day. I love you, man. I love you too. All right, go.
